Here is another bit of Dad wisdom that I want you both to keep. I found an article in Men's Health that really explains the strong, unwavering sincere belief both mom and I have in you.
It explains it really well. It is not magic, not a blind wish or hope for the best outcome by a parent or a loved one. It is really a strong sincere belief in the best outcome happening because of who you are and the work you put into things. By now, you both have had much more success than a lot of your peers and need to understand there is a belief that you have in yourselves that drives this success.
I predict it (so does your mom by the way, as enthusiastically as me but with grace and modesty) because we have sincere belief. If you start to recognize the pattern of your success you are going to be stunned by how much success you have.
Sincere belief does not mean you will not step in shit, meet crappy people, have people take occasional advantage. It sure does not exempt you from the face plant that you will do from time to time in pursuit of a desired goal. It does mean that doing that will give you more in depth appreciation for the great people and experiences that are in front of you.
THIS IS EXCERPT FROM MH ARTICLE.
HERE'S A USEFUL EXERCISE: NAME SOME successful cynics. You can't. Look at some of the most successful people in the past 10 years: Steve Jobs, Barrack Obama, the Google guys. They're not too cynical. George Clooney, Bono, Pixar's central creative team. They're about as genuine about their lives and work as you can get. Love him or hate him, George W. Bush is no cynic. Cynics don't become presidents of the United States. They don't become top CEOs, entrepreneurs, or researchers either.
Cynics are brambles, quicksand, and snot. They ply their drug one-on-one: Come on, let's sit here and be cynical together. It feels good to stay angry, to stay in one place forever. They specialize in what a friend of mine calls "the bitch spiral," which occurs when like-minded people get together and complain with such intensity that every slight against them becomes a gigantic conspiracy. They attack the successful under the banner of hypocrisy and injustice: "The Yankees' payroll is ruining baseball!" "The Goldman Sachs bonus system is ruining society!" "My boss is ruining my life!"
Here's the thing: Whatever you do, elite performance (which is the delivery vehicle for success) requires a sincere belief -- in the cause, of course, but also in your own ability and the very system in which your performance happens. Cynicism cannot exist in the same space as sincere belief. Cynicism is not disbelief, but unbelief, a refusal.
That's why cynicism is so dangerous to the average guy. If you lose that sincere belief -- at your job, in your relationship, as a son or sibling or parent, anywhere -- you're worthless, no matter how talented you are.
AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING TOO EARNEST, let me say this: Cynicism is caused by broken hearts. Sincere belief in a company, a group, a system, or another person forces you to put something real on the line, something with deep tethers to your emotional core. If you offer that up, and you fail -- or others fail you -- your heart shatters.
Then the choice emerges. Either you fall into a fresh bitch spiral, or you do the most difficult thing any man can do: Believe once again. That means moving forward through the things that broke your heart in the first place: hypocrisy, injustice, venality. A few of the men I've spent time with for Men's Health stand out in this regard.
Derek Jeter: I'm sitting in my living room during the World Series last November, a devoted Phillies fan watching Jeter use his bat to pound nails into my beloved team's coffin. I knew the Phils were doomed, because I've been in Jeter's living room. He told me, while lounging in his easy chair, that being clutch simply means believing -- that because you've been successful in the same situation before, you will be successful again. That magnificent bastard, who works under the most cynical media microscope in sports, always believes he will get the hit. Does he always? Of course not. But his belief never wavers, and it's contagious. And I think, Why does it take the rest of us -- not to mention Cole Hamels -- so long to figure this stuff out?
Jason Kamras: This former Washington, D.C., middle-school math teacher was named 2005 National Teacher of the Year. His case really defines sincere belief for me; after all, who's riper for cynicism than a teacher? "Do I leap out of bed every morning with utter excitement? No. But I do get up every morning with a sense of purpose and passion," he told me. "If you're not doing that, then be honest with yourself. At some point we have to stop and say, 'Look, I really want to be passionate.' I don't think I've ever said, 'Gosh, it's terrible that I can't buy this beautiful house I want.' "
The businessmen: I've interviewed dozens of CEOs and other top bosses. Netflix's Reed Hastings, who has rendered Blockbuster impotent. Blake Mycoskie of Toms Shoes, who donates a pair of shoes to needy kids for every pair he sells. Jim Koch, who quit a six-figure job to brew Samuel Adams beer. These men's big ideas were met with skepticism. Each man blossomed through sincere belief.
Chuck Palahniuk: "As a writer, I felt compelled to toe the publishing line until I realized I was flushing away all my free time. I was starting to really hate writing," he told me. "It looked like just another f--king job where I was trying to please some boss. There had to be a way for writing to be fun." So he wrote Fight Club.
I've sat down with many others -- LeBron James, David Beckham, Jamie Foxx, Anderson Cooper, Aaron Eckhart, and dozens like them -- and the theme runs through the conversations like a power line. One of the great summations of their collective approach came from the actor Mark Wahlberg: "All I can do is try to point out the obvious," he told me. "If you're motivated and doing the right thing, good things are going to happen."
CYNICS HAVE AN OLD CLICHE FOR WHAT I'M talking about: drinking the Kool-Aid. Well, this particular flavor is low in sugar and high in nutrition. Sure, you can abstain out of pride, anger, fear, or insecurity. This Kool-Aid is no guarantee, after all. You can still take the wrong roads, monumentally screw up, or just plain fail with your best effort. Abandoning cynicism is just a tool.
But recently, I have chosen to drink the Kool-Aid. Trust me, it's not easy to swallow. My favorite sport is scoffing. I fight the bitterness in me every single day the way an alcoholic fights the minute-to-minute urge to chug. And yet I rely on this catalog of past encounters with successful men to keep myself oriented. I'm not saying "think positively" or "be optimistic" or some other self-help nonsense. I'm not saying I have a sincere belief in myself or my talents or the American Dream. I'm saying I have a sincere belief in sincere belief. I've seen it work too many times for it to be coincidence. Cynics are fakers. But to keep pushing yourself in the face of failure, that's real.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sand
I just finished taking down the wood play set. I have been meaning to do that for years but just could not bring myself to do until the last couple of weeks. We finally decided that should be a garden area instead of a shrine.
In a flash of brilliance, I decide to put in a path the entire length of the yard to use up the sand in the play area. It is a really long, wide path. I got carried away digging the path out and I have a long, deep path and I am starting to wonder if I am going to have enough sand.
When we first put the play set it, I was overly concerned that you would break your heads. Neither of you were the kind of kids that would swing or play in any kind of a normal way. You looked at the play set as more of a challenge, a thing to conquer. It was not unusual to walk past the window and catch a glimpse of you flying off the thing in one heart stopping way or another.
So, every couple of years I would put more sand in the play set area. I am not sure how many times I did this but I found out I probably have enough sand for 4 or 5 walks. The sand in the play area is over a foot deep in most area's. You probably could have jumped out of an airplane and there would have been enough sand to break your fall.
And if you wonder why a person who is as technically handicapped as me is blogging Dad Wisdom..well that kinds of explains it. With this blog I am still trying to put more sand down so you don't break your heads.
Before you actually have kids you plan how you are going to raise them. When you actually have them, everything pretty much gets thrown out the window. If you read this, the easiest answer seems like if you saw a kid doing those heart stopping jumps off of a play set you'd just tell a kid to cut it out. There are really only 2 choices, yell or add more sand. When you see a couple of kids with that much heart there is really only 1 choice...add more sand.
I used all of the wood to build a planter and a planter bench. It took forever because I had to salvage the wood. I like the idea of the wood play set getting another life in the garden. I am planning other projects to use the sand, there is still a lot of it left.
I am always going to be the Dad that adds more sand. Not because I am so wonderful (although I am), it is because of the way you both treat the challenges in your life. You will always fly off of some barrier in that same heart stopping way you always have.
I will start to promise to recycle the sand. I can't promise to not keep adding it.
Love Dad
In a flash of brilliance, I decide to put in a path the entire length of the yard to use up the sand in the play area. It is a really long, wide path. I got carried away digging the path out and I have a long, deep path and I am starting to wonder if I am going to have enough sand.
When we first put the play set it, I was overly concerned that you would break your heads. Neither of you were the kind of kids that would swing or play in any kind of a normal way. You looked at the play set as more of a challenge, a thing to conquer. It was not unusual to walk past the window and catch a glimpse of you flying off the thing in one heart stopping way or another.
So, every couple of years I would put more sand in the play set area. I am not sure how many times I did this but I found out I probably have enough sand for 4 or 5 walks. The sand in the play area is over a foot deep in most area's. You probably could have jumped out of an airplane and there would have been enough sand to break your fall.
And if you wonder why a person who is as technically handicapped as me is blogging Dad Wisdom..well that kinds of explains it. With this blog I am still trying to put more sand down so you don't break your heads.
Before you actually have kids you plan how you are going to raise them. When you actually have them, everything pretty much gets thrown out the window. If you read this, the easiest answer seems like if you saw a kid doing those heart stopping jumps off of a play set you'd just tell a kid to cut it out. There are really only 2 choices, yell or add more sand. When you see a couple of kids with that much heart there is really only 1 choice...add more sand.
I used all of the wood to build a planter and a planter bench. It took forever because I had to salvage the wood. I like the idea of the wood play set getting another life in the garden. I am planning other projects to use the sand, there is still a lot of it left.
I am always going to be the Dad that adds more sand. Not because I am so wonderful (although I am), it is because of the way you both treat the challenges in your life. You will always fly off of some barrier in that same heart stopping way you always have.
I will start to promise to recycle the sand. I can't promise to not keep adding it.
Love Dad
Monday, March 28, 2011
Dating Red Flags
There are some hard and fast dating rules. It does not matter if you call it dating, seeing someone, or just hanging out with a member of the opposite sex. These red flags still apply.
No one is exempt from ending up in a bad place when you are seeing someone. You don't get a pass because of your looks, education, or financial status. Toxic, weird things happen to great, well adjusted people. No one ever believes that it will happen to them so they don't act on those red flags. You are not exempt, there are red flags that you need to be able to see and act on.
1. First and most important - there is never, ever a reason for a person that you are seeing to physically harm you or threaten to harm you. No exceptions - there are no exemptions for liquor, drugs, or impaired judgment due to any cause. This is a life threat, leave immediately.
2. You should not have to be careful of what you say or avoid saying something because you think it might start a fight or an argument. If this is happening you need to take a hard look what need you are meeting for this person. This is subtle but this is a form of controlling you. Be with people who want to hear you and who you want to hear.
3. Do they pass the friend test? Would you be willing to have your friends meet you both in a social setting? That should be a very easy, relaxing thing to do. You have a friend or two who always tells you the truth...listen to them and their perspective. Be willing to admit a mistake when you make one. Do not let the need to be right override basic common sense.
4. You should not feel compelled to explain or offer an excuse for anything your date does. Never try to absolve anyone of abject stupidity. If it has not happened yet it will. Your date will say or do something incredibly stupid. Let them own it and explain it. People always make the mistake of thinking your date is a direct reflection of you. They are NOT you or your responsibilty. They are someone you think you are compatable with. Don't fail to appreciate a person who shows you their true colors (good and bad), it can be a huge time saver. Expect to end up with a turd occassionally.
5. Would you be uncomfortable if you bumped into your parents with them? Nervous is OK, uncomfortable should require some introspection. Ask yourself why ..and then ask your friends.
6. When it is time to stop seeing someone..STOP doing it. It will be painful for you and them both, there is no way around this. Apologizing, offering excuses, or trying to ease the pain only increases the pain a great deal. Extend them (and yourself) the courtesy of a quick, concise departure. Get on with your life and let them get on with theirs.
7. ALWAYS BE YOU. If you try to be what someone needs, you can get lost in the process. Let them be who they are. If you are not compatible, that is OK.
8 You have an amazing sense for what feels right and what does not. Trust that...I do.
When it is right, it is amazingly easy.
Love Dad
No one is exempt from ending up in a bad place when you are seeing someone. You don't get a pass because of your looks, education, or financial status. Toxic, weird things happen to great, well adjusted people. No one ever believes that it will happen to them so they don't act on those red flags. You are not exempt, there are red flags that you need to be able to see and act on.
1. First and most important - there is never, ever a reason for a person that you are seeing to physically harm you or threaten to harm you. No exceptions - there are no exemptions for liquor, drugs, or impaired judgment due to any cause. This is a life threat, leave immediately.
2. You should not have to be careful of what you say or avoid saying something because you think it might start a fight or an argument. If this is happening you need to take a hard look what need you are meeting for this person. This is subtle but this is a form of controlling you. Be with people who want to hear you and who you want to hear.
3. Do they pass the friend test? Would you be willing to have your friends meet you both in a social setting? That should be a very easy, relaxing thing to do. You have a friend or two who always tells you the truth...listen to them and their perspective. Be willing to admit a mistake when you make one. Do not let the need to be right override basic common sense.
4. You should not feel compelled to explain or offer an excuse for anything your date does. Never try to absolve anyone of abject stupidity. If it has not happened yet it will. Your date will say or do something incredibly stupid. Let them own it and explain it. People always make the mistake of thinking your date is a direct reflection of you. They are NOT you or your responsibilty. They are someone you think you are compatable with. Don't fail to appreciate a person who shows you their true colors (good and bad), it can be a huge time saver. Expect to end up with a turd occassionally.
5. Would you be uncomfortable if you bumped into your parents with them? Nervous is OK, uncomfortable should require some introspection. Ask yourself why ..and then ask your friends.
6. When it is time to stop seeing someone..STOP doing it. It will be painful for you and them both, there is no way around this. Apologizing, offering excuses, or trying to ease the pain only increases the pain a great deal. Extend them (and yourself) the courtesy of a quick, concise departure. Get on with your life and let them get on with theirs.
7. ALWAYS BE YOU. If you try to be what someone needs, you can get lost in the process. Let them be who they are. If you are not compatible, that is OK.
8 You have an amazing sense for what feels right and what does not. Trust that...I do.
When it is right, it is amazingly easy.
Love Dad
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Shortcut guy
Shortcuts just never work in the long run. Shortcuts can get you to a destination sooner, but when you get there, you still have to have the back ground to be successful there. As attractive as shortcuts are there is just no substitute for plain old hard work.
The people who take shortcuts don't always jump out at you. If you are new to a group or organization, they most likely don't look like shortcut people at all. They can be smart people who know how to talk to people. They seem confident, articulate and in most cases charming. They don't stick out like a sore thumb, they look like they not only belong there, they look like they flourish there.
It starts to fall apart for the shortcut people because of what they need to do to stay successful. They need to find and be apart of the ideas and work that they did not contribute to in any meaningful way. It takes people getting burned a couple of times to get oriented to the shortcut people. Idea's and work get harder to take because the people doing the work become wary of the shortcut guy. Not everyone see's the shortcut guy at the same time so they can maneuver through the organization for longer than you would expect them to.
Shortcut guys are slimy in the worse way. Slimy that is articulate, charming, and well dressed is especially repugnant and hard to forgive. The feeling that you have been taken advantage of, lied to, or used stays with people.
You know why people forgive your mistakes, missteps, and misses? It is because when they were in your shoes they made the very same mistakes. People are generally really good at recognizing when you are working hard at something. Successful people tend to want to reach out to you if you are the hard worker.
You know why those bosses, supervisors, decision makers find the shortcut guy so offensive? It is because they were you and when they were coming up, they dealt with there very own shortcut guy. Like you, they did not immediately pick up on the fact that these guys were shortcut guys. Everyone has a shortcut guy story, most of us have a lot more than one shortcut guy story. No one finds it easy to get over the feeling that someone has taken advantage of you or lied to you.
When I find a shortcut guy, I don't spend any extra cycles on them. I know from experience these guys end up imploding. They end up finding way to late about those six degree's of separation, it really is a small world. Sad thing, these shortcut guys often find out that the hand they pooped in, is the one they eventually have to eat out of.
Love Dad
The people who take shortcuts don't always jump out at you. If you are new to a group or organization, they most likely don't look like shortcut people at all. They can be smart people who know how to talk to people. They seem confident, articulate and in most cases charming. They don't stick out like a sore thumb, they look like they not only belong there, they look like they flourish there.
It starts to fall apart for the shortcut people because of what they need to do to stay successful. They need to find and be apart of the ideas and work that they did not contribute to in any meaningful way. It takes people getting burned a couple of times to get oriented to the shortcut people. Idea's and work get harder to take because the people doing the work become wary of the shortcut guy. Not everyone see's the shortcut guy at the same time so they can maneuver through the organization for longer than you would expect them to.
Shortcut guys are slimy in the worse way. Slimy that is articulate, charming, and well dressed is especially repugnant and hard to forgive. The feeling that you have been taken advantage of, lied to, or used stays with people.
You know why people forgive your mistakes, missteps, and misses? It is because when they were in your shoes they made the very same mistakes. People are generally really good at recognizing when you are working hard at something. Successful people tend to want to reach out to you if you are the hard worker.
You know why those bosses, supervisors, decision makers find the shortcut guy so offensive? It is because they were you and when they were coming up, they dealt with there very own shortcut guy. Like you, they did not immediately pick up on the fact that these guys were shortcut guys. Everyone has a shortcut guy story, most of us have a lot more than one shortcut guy story. No one finds it easy to get over the feeling that someone has taken advantage of you or lied to you.
When I find a shortcut guy, I don't spend any extra cycles on them. I know from experience these guys end up imploding. They end up finding way to late about those six degree's of separation, it really is a small world. Sad thing, these shortcut guys often find out that the hand they pooped in, is the one they eventually have to eat out of.
Love Dad
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Burn Out Pit
In everyone, there is an inner voice that is adept at recognizing crazy. Alcohol, drugs, and ego dull that voice but cannot make it go away entirely. Everyone also has hard wiring in their brain (frontal lobe) that allows them to problem solve, reason, plan, and make judgment calls. Drugs and alcohol degrade that ability significantly. You cannot override how your body works by will power, no mater how big your ego is. It is how your body works. You can (without drugs or alcohol) make equally bad judgments by letting your ego override that inner voice.
There is a bar in Sturgis, South Dakota called The Full Throttle Saloon. It is billed as the largest biker bar. It sits on 30 acres about 5 miles out of Sturgis. When you ride up, you have the option of parking outside in the parking lot or you can ride your bike into bar itself. As you ride inside, just off to the right there is a enclosure surrounded by 20 foot chain link fence and reinforced on the bottom with dug in railroad ties...the burnout pits.
When you ride in a big guy will motion you (on your bike) over to the pit. If you ignore him he will yell colorful things about your heritage, your mother, and your sexual preferences. The whole purpose of the pit is to pull in and put your front tire on the railroad tie. A brave soul (of your choosing) will lift the back tire while you burn your tire until it pops. People gravitate to the enclosure and hang on the fence. If you have ever seen the Mad Max series THUNDERDOME, it is like that.
The biggest problem with crazy, is that it can be really fun to watch. If you get swept up in it, it can feel like fun until it goes to hell.
So this guy, pulls his 20K bike into the burn pit. He is grinning and revving he engine. Two great looking women in bikini's climb on the fence with other people to cheer him on. He gets his buddy to hold up the back tire and with the crowd yelling there heads off he starts his burn out. He disappears in a cloud of blue smoke.
You could not tell by listening if his engine seized right before or after the tire blew. The bikini girls are gingerly taking off very hot pieces of tire that landed on faces, hands, legs, and arms. The guy holding up the bike was limping over to he first aid tent to have the severe burn on his leg looked at. The guy is not pumping his fist anymore. He is talking on the cell phone and to the tow truck driver. He looks like a guy that spent 20K in a couple of minuets without intending to.
Trust that inner voice when you hear it. Crazy is different than everything else. It is not daring, adventuresome or willing to take a risk...it is crazy. And no amount of great looks, money, social standing, or toys makes crazy worth it. Crazy is one of the most difficult thing to extract yourself from. Crazy is soul sucking exercise.
Don't be the guy that holds up the back tire either.
Love Dad.
There is a bar in Sturgis, South Dakota called The Full Throttle Saloon. It is billed as the largest biker bar. It sits on 30 acres about 5 miles out of Sturgis. When you ride up, you have the option of parking outside in the parking lot or you can ride your bike into bar itself. As you ride inside, just off to the right there is a enclosure surrounded by 20 foot chain link fence and reinforced on the bottom with dug in railroad ties...the burnout pits.
When you ride in a big guy will motion you (on your bike) over to the pit. If you ignore him he will yell colorful things about your heritage, your mother, and your sexual preferences. The whole purpose of the pit is to pull in and put your front tire on the railroad tie. A brave soul (of your choosing) will lift the back tire while you burn your tire until it pops. People gravitate to the enclosure and hang on the fence. If you have ever seen the Mad Max series THUNDERDOME, it is like that.
The biggest problem with crazy, is that it can be really fun to watch. If you get swept up in it, it can feel like fun until it goes to hell.
So this guy, pulls his 20K bike into the burn pit. He is grinning and revving he engine. Two great looking women in bikini's climb on the fence with other people to cheer him on. He gets his buddy to hold up the back tire and with the crowd yelling there heads off he starts his burn out. He disappears in a cloud of blue smoke.
You could not tell by listening if his engine seized right before or after the tire blew. The bikini girls are gingerly taking off very hot pieces of tire that landed on faces, hands, legs, and arms. The guy holding up the bike was limping over to he first aid tent to have the severe burn on his leg looked at. The guy is not pumping his fist anymore. He is talking on the cell phone and to the tow truck driver. He looks like a guy that spent 20K in a couple of minuets without intending to.
Trust that inner voice when you hear it. Crazy is different than everything else. It is not daring, adventuresome or willing to take a risk...it is crazy. And no amount of great looks, money, social standing, or toys makes crazy worth it. Crazy is one of the most difficult thing to extract yourself from. Crazy is soul sucking exercise.
Don't be the guy that holds up the back tire either.
Love Dad.
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