The Right Yardstick

I press much too hard most of the time.   The yardstick that I frequently use for myself is not a realistic one.  I have learned over the years to adjust and measure myself using a yardstick that is based in reality instead of the one that I made up to measure myself.   I used my realistic yardstick over the holidays this past week.

My mom had a series of heart attacks this past Sunday and Monday.  She was hospitalized and received 2 stints (she needs 3 more but is not strong enough), she was discharged on Thanksgiving.  My brothers and sisters were understandably upset and we all went through roller coaster week of emotions. While my mother was in the hospital, my sister was in a car accident while coming to see my mother, with all of her children in tow.  My older brother who does not live in the area can be an asshole and he remained true to form.  Mom was essentially left alone to put on a Thanksgiving dinner for her family, while I took both of you to check my mom out of the hospital.  You both were in town on Tuesday and trying to catch up and attend the wedding of a friend.  We found out that while you were here your credit card was used fraudulently.  We were going to have a family get together on Friday that had to be cancelled and we were unable to attend a get together for my close friend who is managing through stage 4 bone cancer.

So here is the measure of the week on the old yardstick vs the reality yardstick.

Old - I could have done more to push my mom to see a doctor or get her into the hospital faster, she almost died

Reality - Mom is alive, we know what is wrong and if she continues to follow the course recommend by her doctors she will live a more happy and pain free life

Old - Everything is falling apart

Reality - Everyone stepped up to do more when it was needed most.  People adapted and came together to make the most out of the time we had with each other in my immediate and extended family.  So I was able to see (and I hope they did also) that everyone at their core not only did the right thing but extended themselves to do more for each other than they normally do. 

Old - Asshole Brother, Credit card thieves, Cancelled Family/Friend get together, Sister Car Crash or more simply "Everything Is Ruined"

Reality - My brother's bad day and attitude only become part of the equation if they are allowed to.  In this case, all of his drama evaporated because it was ignored.  Credit card problem was taken care of quickly at the Credit Union.  My sister is alive and well with only a damaged car trunk .  And in a remarkable display of support  my close friend with stage 4 cancer actually came to see my mom in the hospital.  Time spent this holiday was made much more special because we valued it more and did not take it for granted. 

So my old yardstick was built in a way that measured things in a way that assumed that everything was all about me.  When I do the reality check and stop assuming it is all about me, the view changes dramatically.   I often find that in the absence of the "all about me" filter things look a lot different.   So important life lesson, use a yardstick to measure yourself that is reality based.  In my case if I start believing there are a lot of people disappointed in what I have done, will do, or am planning to do, chances are that I am using the yardstick that is all about me and not based in reality.

Remember  - You have to learn how to forgive yourself before you can ever effectively forgive anyone else.

I am already counting the days until you come home for Christmas.

Filling the Cup

When I got hired at my first real job I was a couple of years older than you are now.  I am working as a temp and needed a full time job with benefits in the worse way.  One afternoon my boss calls me into his office, shakes my hands and tells me to get down to medical by the end of the day to get the required physical for a full time position.  I am on top of the world.   The only problem is that I do not have time to go home and get cleaned up.  My feet have been baking all day in my fake leather steel toed boots and I stink.  But I am dying to please, so I shake his hand and and say right after work is NO problem.   

I am self conscious when I get to medical.  The nurse who takes me back for the doctor is a small, iron jawed, unsmiling woman of about 50.  I try to apologize for not showering, trying to tell her about the last minute scheduling.  She gives me a scowl and without so much as a smile or any kind of small talk she starts to instruct me on what is going to be done.  Any attempt at small talk me is met with stoney silence.  My confidence about getting the job is starting to fade away and I am intimidated into embarrassed silence.   I am wondering what I did to set her off.  It never did occur to me that it was anything other than me.  

Towards the end of the physical, I am sitting on plastic chairs outside of a bathroom along with 4 or 5 other guys who are scared quiet and compliant like me.  She points at the chair closest to the bathroom and we go in one by one to fill up cups with urine.  I am looking at nothing except my hands, until it comes my turn.  She tells me cups are under the sink and to fill one up 3/4 full and bring it to her.  I walk in and under the sink there are small cups that are the size of containers for condiments at any fast food place.   I pick it up and study it and after a couple of minutes walk out and tell her the cups are really small.  Everyone in the place turns to look at me and then her.  She gives me a withering glance and says in a louder voice than she needed to...JUST-- FILL-- UP-- THE-- CUP-- ONE CUP-- 3/4 FULL.  I can feel my entire face flush and I can't believe a friggin physical for a job I wanted has turned out to be this walk on hot coals exercise.   I (in what I know now was a herculean feat) fill up that tiny cup without spilling a drop and present her with my cup.

Now her face is turning red and her eyes are tearing up and she bursts out laughing.  She is talking in one or two words between trying to catch her breath between hard laughing.  THAT IS--A--CON--TACT LENS---CUP.   She is wiping her eyes and reaches down under her desk and pulls out what looks like a gallon cup and tells me that is what I need to fill.  I did not run out of the building because my heart was on the desk next to the huge pee cup.

She knows, I know, and the guys waiting to pee know, there is no way to recover from this or even maintain a shred of dignity.  I can tell from her expression (and those of the guys that are waiting to pee) that I am the first one ever to make this error.   She gives me the gallon jug to fill and gives me a tiny cone paper cup and points me to a water cooler by the plastic chairs.   She is studying me and my paperwork because she has got to be wondering if I am special needs hire.  Not one of the other people will even look at me.   She looks at me with calmer curiosity, which seems worse than the indifference I was getting from her earlier.  What started out as only a painful afternoon turns into a excruciating endurance test.  I fill up the proper cup and left without a shred of dignity or confidence in my ability to do the most basic tasks. 

In hindsight there was a dozen things I could have done to avoided filling up the contact lens cup.  I now think almost everyone who pushes hard will fill up their own contact lens cup from time to time.  Maintaining your sense of humor when you have had you heart kicked out of your chest will always speed the healing process.

Love Dad

Exact Science

It is not an exact science.

In your formative years your parents instill in you the value of sticking things out.  And early on it is easy.  You learn first to stick with those things that are necessary that can be a pain in the ass but required of you.  They are the fundamentals like going to school and learning to navigate people and things outside of home while applying the work hard, play nice, play fair, and all the other things that are posted on the wall in your first classroom.

It is during this time where you start to recognize your strengths and skills.  And if it works like its supposed to (and in both of your cases it REALLY worked like it was supposed to) as you exercise these strengths and skills you begin to excel among your peers.  You are hardwired like you are at a much earlier age that you would guess or your parents would every admit to.  A lot of what parents do is provide logistics for the journeys you take.  When times are tough, we help you find the answers to the questions that you already know and in many cases have already answered yourselves.  That sincere belief that we have in you has been there for many years before there was a Dad Blog.  We got that way by watching you grow up.  You cannot yet fully appreciate the strength of character, heart, and conviction that you already have.  . 

In the later years we try to help you understand the basic principle of risk mitigation.  It is the opposite of sticking with it, it is learning when to step away when something has run its course.  It is one of those things that is so basic that most people unknowingly make if the most complex thing in their lives.  You just need to ask yourself what the risk you are taking is going to net our for you.  Make sure the risk is worth the resources you are investing in it.  People lose years and months to things that just do not deserve their resources because that first lesson you learn is not to quit and that is the one that sticks with you the most.   My only regret with the shit jobs and people I have known is that I stayed with them far longer than was needed.  When you are holding dog shit in your hand it does not change properties because of the length of time you hold it.  When you toss it back on the ground it will still be dog shit.

A Firefighter learns the basic rule that if you are risking your life it should be to save a life.  Risking your life to put out a fire in a building that is going to be torn down and rebuilt because of the fire damage is a poor return for your life.   Treat your life that same way.  Take risk in direct proportion to the return you will get. There are some fires that require you to go into a burning building.   Be careful that you are not finding a lot of fires that you believe need to be put out.  Some of them are supposed to burn, and some are just for sticks and marshmallows

Never forget how simple things can be.

Love Dad