The Right Yardstick

I press much too hard most of the time.   The yardstick that I frequently use for myself is not a realistic one.  I have learned over the years to adjust and measure myself using a yardstick that is based in reality instead of the one that I made up to measure myself.   I used my realistic yardstick over the holidays this past week.

My mom had a series of heart attacks this past Sunday and Monday.  She was hospitalized and received 2 stints (she needs 3 more but is not strong enough), she was discharged on Thanksgiving.  My brothers and sisters were understandably upset and we all went through roller coaster week of emotions. While my mother was in the hospital, my sister was in a car accident while coming to see my mother, with all of her children in tow.  My older brother who does not live in the area can be an asshole and he remained true to form.  Mom was essentially left alone to put on a Thanksgiving dinner for her family, while I took both of you to check my mom out of the hospital.  You both were in town on Tuesday and trying to catch up and attend the wedding of a friend.  We found out that while you were here your credit card was used fraudulently.  We were going to have a family get together on Friday that had to be cancelled and we were unable to attend a get together for my close friend who is managing through stage 4 bone cancer.

So here is the measure of the week on the old yardstick vs the reality yardstick.

Old - I could have done more to push my mom to see a doctor or get her into the hospital faster, she almost died

Reality - Mom is alive, we know what is wrong and if she continues to follow the course recommend by her doctors she will live a more happy and pain free life

Old - Everything is falling apart

Reality - Everyone stepped up to do more when it was needed most.  People adapted and came together to make the most out of the time we had with each other in my immediate and extended family.  So I was able to see (and I hope they did also) that everyone at their core not only did the right thing but extended themselves to do more for each other than they normally do. 

Old - Asshole Brother, Credit card thieves, Cancelled Family/Friend get together, Sister Car Crash or more simply "Everything Is Ruined"

Reality - My brother's bad day and attitude only become part of the equation if they are allowed to.  In this case, all of his drama evaporated because it was ignored.  Credit card problem was taken care of quickly at the Credit Union.  My sister is alive and well with only a damaged car trunk .  And in a remarkable display of support  my close friend with stage 4 cancer actually came to see my mom in the hospital.  Time spent this holiday was made much more special because we valued it more and did not take it for granted. 

So my old yardstick was built in a way that measured things in a way that assumed that everything was all about me.  When I do the reality check and stop assuming it is all about me, the view changes dramatically.   I often find that in the absence of the "all about me" filter things look a lot different.   So important life lesson, use a yardstick to measure yourself that is reality based.  In my case if I start believing there are a lot of people disappointed in what I have done, will do, or am planning to do, chances are that I am using the yardstick that is all about me and not based in reality.

Remember  - You have to learn how to forgive yourself before you can ever effectively forgive anyone else.

I am already counting the days until you come home for Christmas.