Saying Goodbye

I got a deal on a one gallon plant at Lowe's.  It is Chrysanthemums (more typically known as "mums).  It is a perennial plant, so if you get it in and take care of it, you should see it next year.  When I got it it had 4-5 flowers on it already and it looked great.  It put it on the front step and had every intention to plant it.  They are harder to kill than most other plants.

If you go out on the step now, there is a black one gallon container with four brown sticks coming out of a hard one gallon dirt clod.  For the last 3-4 weeks when you walked up to the house it was a prominent, beautiful looking plant. Put a smile on your face. no matter what you were thinking about.  It lasted this long because of the rain we have had.

Saying goodbye to a friend, loved one, mom/dad, brother/sister or worse a son or daughter (parental guilt will be a common thread in these updates)  is a tough thing to do.  No amount of logic can keep you from wanting to keep all those beloved people and things around you as long as you can.  The truth is people need to do things and go places where they will flourish and grow.  When I see you both off I have to keep reminding myself that despite how much I love you I do not have the resources at hand to give you the things that you need to flourish and grow.  Today, the best place you can get those things, is at your respective universities.  That makes our brief goodbye tolerable for me.

I loved having that pot of mums on the step, I really did, but they just can't grow there.  Now they just remind me of what a bonehead move it was to do what felt good and comfortable, instead of just planting the frigging thing.

So don't leave your mums in the pot and hope it will rain.

And while I am thinking of it that "if you love something set it free" saying is complete bullshit.  If you love something you should love it for what it is without you.   If you have to set something free that you love you are probably breaking a local or federal law or at the very least being creepy.  Have a deep abiding love for yourself and love the people around you for what they are.

Texting

They don't make my phone anymore.  It has a built in handle that you can attach a carabiner to, so you could clip it in to any piece of equipment.  It is waterproof and floats - I accidentally tested this out twice.  I have dropped it out of the Jeep, down concrete steps, and on about every hard service there it and it still works.  Except for the big drops of super glue on the body and clock part (from when I was fixing the leather couch) it is in PERFECT working condition.  It is an old school cell phone. 

It is not made to send text messages.  When you get a response from me that looks like I am having a stroke (I w hil call ynd soom), it is the limitations of the phone.   When I try to send a text that is over 4 words long, I end up swearing at my phone in public.  Actually holding it out in front of my face - in the palm of my hand (because I think there it can hear me) and calling it a f**ker.   It is always hard to regain your composure after someone see's you doing that.

In the interest of staying in touch with you both on a more regular basis (regular basis is more than weekly) I went to the phone store.  I found a phone that has a big assed slide out keyboard that I can find they keys without my reading glasses.  It is the kind of phone that I have always made fun of my friends for having.  I am trading in my man phone for a fully functional phone.  I will go get my phone when I get back from GW and feel that pang of having you both gone.

PARENTAL GUILT - PARTY OF 2 - I HAVE YOUR TABLE READY

There is a full array of non epic text message would just make my day.  In return I will also send you text messages that are coherent and as an added bonus you can benefit from my sage wisdom real time.

Hey, don't forget to call Grandma from time to time.

Love Dad

What Does Marcellous Wallace Look Like

You are not really old enough to be well versed in putting on a happy face when you are feeling like shit.  When you feel like shit...well you look like shit.  That is the real gift of youth.  You have not fully master the art of guile or deception.  Hold on to that as long as you can, that is not a bad thing.

I can see the weight that you are carrying.  Freshman years anywhere (high school-college-work-marriage-virtually anywhere new) are all tough.  I hate to keep saying it but most major milestones that are worthwhile endeavors are a pain in the ass when you start them (freshman year).

Every one of my freshman years were tough at the beginning.  Like everyone else, I did not realize back then that a lot of people were in the same boat.  You don't realize that until much later.  If there are people that are complete naturals in new environments, the are either sociopaths or doing it with the aid of pharmaceuticals or alcohol.  Drugs and booze never work.  It is like being carried up a ladder and put on a roof and having the ladder taken away.  Going up is a breeze..getting down sucks, thats when stuff breaks. 

Like most people over 40, I can selectively edit out the really tough and crappy parts of those freshman years.  If you get an adult that wants to tell you how well they did this, politely excuse yourself and leave.  Well meaning adults who are giving you pep talks can inadvertently make you feel worse because they can re-enforce the feeling that you are the only one not fitting in quickly. Most people end up being much better at things they no longer do.  I am no exception here, ask me about my stints in wrestling, rodeo, and  the navy.. 

I know that I am a natural at something, I just have not found it yet.   

Worst freshman year was the parent freshman year.  I can still remember the how worried I was when the nurse put your older sister in the brand new car seat, hugged your mom and walked away.  She was 3 days old then and I am not sure what I expected.  I think I hoped that the nurse would come home with us and help us ease into the transition.  Sounds ridiculous now but we were genuinely scared to death.  Neither you or your sister were a surprise, we were trying hard to have you both. You would think that because we wanted you both so bad that we would have been naturals.  We weren't naturals of course, but no one worked harder to be that way than your mom and me.  Today, I am an expert, that is due to how damn good you both turned out and because the people who saw how scared I was are not reading this blog. 

I missed your swagger today, I am used to seeing it.  You need it you know.  Don't forget your freshman years in academics or sports.  Where you started and where you ended up.  It was not magic that you did so well, it was a ton of hard work by you.  I take credit for that but the truth is I did not know exactly then (or now) about all of your struggles.  Your success is really about the person that you already are.  I also saw a glimpse of your swagger today.  Small victories count, start keeping track of those now.  Stack them up and find that swagger.

If you see someone else struggling, help them out.  Nothing reinforces the point better than seeing someone else who is getting the crap kicked out them and reaching out to them..

Marcellous Wallace is bald and not a bitch.  Mrs Wallace can vouch for all of this..

Also, do not eat eggs over easy due to salmonella scare.  Scrambled only please

Love Dad

Crisis Management

There are three categories that everyone fits into when the things turn to shit.  This holds true whether it is a physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, or moral crisis.  Here are the three universal categories.

Participants
The people who are directly responsible for the crisis.  People get into a crisis because they make a specific choice and follow path of that choice.  There is generally no magic around their choice, it is based on what they think is right and we are all wired different.  For most of us our crisis ends when we come to the realization we have made a bad choice and make a different choice.  It is hard for people to do because you have to acknowledge you were wrong and reverse direction.  A bad choice is like a brick you always carry, you can't ignore, forget or try to make it something else.  It affects everything else you try to do until you quit carrying it. 

This is the category where there is the most confusion.  Most people are naturally inclined to be a participant in a crisis.  We believe it is the right thing to do because we are related by blood, marriage, promise or commitment.  No matter how hard we want to be a participant, there is only one participant per crisis.  Unless you started it, you are an observer.

Observers
The people who may be affected by the crisis in a number of ways but cannot change the course of the crisis because they are not the "Participant" - the person who made the original choice.  These are the parents, spouses, girl/boy friends, and friends who often hurt or are bothered by what they know to be poor choices.  As observers we all believe we can threaten, cajole, promise, or provide some kind of financial, emotional, or spiritual assistance to get a person that we genuinely care for to make a different choice.  The  truth is it just does not work that way.  People change their choices when they realize they are wrong.  Sometimes that comes to them relatively quickly and sometimes it comes in a tough, eye opening ways that no one can anticipate.  Everyone loses days, weeks, months and sometimes much longer to people whom they believe they can change.  If you want to rescue people making bad choices - see Trained Professionals

Trained Professionals
The people who can fix  a real crisis are those who have completed formal course of education in a specialized area and are qualified /certified by the state or federal government.  These people provide professional help to people to learn or make good choices.  They are priests, doctors, lawyers, therapist's, CPA's, financial advisers and a host of other professionals.  Home spun advice by very well meaning people (like this note for example) almost always will end badly for the people who take it. 

Your aunt is a great illustration of this.  I know her at an intelligent woman with a sharp wit who cares about the people who are close to her and wants the best for her kids.  She isn't a monster but she has made horrendous choices pretty consistently with the people and things she has surrounded herself with.  It is not bad luck, it is a series of choices and she has been consistently making.  She does not deserve to be miserable - no one deserves that.  But for things to change she has to make different choices.  A lot of people - family, friends, and spouses have tried to plead, cajole, threaten, and throw resources at her so she would make a different choice.   In the end, not much changed,  her choices have remained the same.

She is my sister and I love her.  I believe that circumstances will lead her- by sheer necessity to make new choices and I am guessing there will be a trained professional or two involved. 

The hard part
Is dealing with people you care for who are having a crisis.   You know almost immediately how much you can be yourself and in the end that is the most important thing. 

When my friends have a crisis, they never expected me to be anything except myself.  Most of the time I help not with any great advice or insight, I just listen.  Almost every time they know what needs to be done and what choices need to be made.  I can be counted on to break in with an inappropriate observation or demonstrate that I really do not understand the import of their problems. They take me for what I am and we both understand I cannot fix their problems.  It is enough for them that I truely give a damn about the dilema they find themselves in.

People that give me hell for not being me in the midst of their crisis generally need me for something that is not healthy for me (or them).  When anyone feels that you can make a crisis better by (FILL IN THE BLANK) it is time to embrace your role as an observer and take several long steps back from them. 

Give your time and energy to people who you are completely comfortable with.  Appreciate the other people for the things that they give you when times are good.  And when a crisis hits, learn to recognize when someone is wiping their ass with you or trying to and deal with them appropriately.

Blind Love is like Raw Courage....always a bad idea.

Fighting Your Demons

 Resending this one

A lot of people have said insightful things about fighting demons.  Here are the top 3 in random order.

1.   When you fight monsters, you have to be careful not to become a monster yourself.
Because every time you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.   This is a bastardized version of a quote from Fredrick Nietzche, a German philosopher from 1800's. The actual quote was - Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.   Fredrick was trying to say that if you had to become a demon to slay a demon there was no net gain.  There is no extra credit for moral high ground, best intentions, or heroic actions.  If fighting your demon adds one to the total number you have made the situation worse, not better.  Looking into the abyss is the mirror we all look into every day in a figurative sense.  If you look hard enough you will see what you became to fight your demons.  The best case is that you don't look or sound like the asshole that you have been fighting with.  Sometimes only  time and distance allow you to see this and it is harder to see in the heat of battle.  (Fredrick, after his meteoric rise to fame, became clinically insane at an early age and lived under the care of his mother until he died)

2.   But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.—Luke 6:27-31.   Jesus is the OG (original guy) who tries to get us all to understand the simple principle that what you do will come back to you and perpetuate itself.  It is more than love and hate, it is everything in between.  People with the strength and courage to fight their demons have either intentionally or unintentionally helped other people find their courage and strength.   These passages get misinterpreted all the time.  He just wanted you to take time to pick what you wanted to come back to you.  The person who has already has hit you has picked what will return to him.  Jesus was no slouch at busting a couple heads when he needed.  I don't think we ever were supposed to be so passive as to not bust a head when circumstances dictated.  It just should not be the default and you should not bust the same pumpkin twice.

3. You can never win a fight with a retard.  If you lose, you lose to a retard.  If you win, you have beaten up a retard.  (The word Retarded comes from the Latin retardare, "to make slow, delay, keep back, or hinder.  This is not intended to be a derogatory term for a person who suffers any recognized mental deficiency of handicap.)  The awful truth is that a lot of the demons we wrestle with are not complex, super intelligent, gifted, insightful beings.  They are people who have been brought into our lives by chance, circumstance, or when you just step in that random pile of shit.  These tend to be people who need attention and consider imitation the sincerest form of flattery.  They get our attention because they say and do things that offend us at a primary level.  They are not nice, don't play fair, and seem to go out of their way to make minor disagreements into epic battles.  When you call them out, frequently you find people in tough, sad, places in their lives.   There is never much satisfaction in a broken person.

Sincere Belief Again

I wanted to resend you the note about sincere belief.  You should always remember the strong, unwavering sincere belief that we have in you.  You will always win big because of who you are and how you apply yourselves to the opportunities you get.   There is no magic or luck here, it is all you.

Make it a point to recognize this in yourselves and watch things take off for you.  It is always good to have grace and modesty but never, ever let that sincere belief in yourself waiver.

Not seeing you everyday always sucks but it reminds me of that ship saying (which I have updated)

A ship sails and I stand watching till she fades on the horizon and someone says: 
"She is gone"
And I say:
"You are a dick"
Because for me she is just as large now as when I last saw her and her size has not diminished
For me, she is never lost from my sight

And just at that moment, when the dick that said she is gone, there are others who are watching her coming over their horizon and other voices take up a glad shout: 
"There she comes! "
And I turn to them and say "For me.. me she never left"

Love Dad

Day One Fear

There are a lot of things that tend to magnify success - a big one is fear.  Fear is not something you conquer, it is something that you navigate.   Raw courage (like blind love) are misguided and short term solutions that really never work well.  For people who are successful, you just never can avoid the hard work of having to deal with the things that worry and scare the crap out of you.  The way things get less scary is when you do them. 

We are always with you.  It may feel different because now because we do not all wake up in the same house every morning.  But even as things change, the fundamental things get stronger.  For example, everything you love about home and family only gets stronger - it does not diminish. 

I could not be more proud of you guys.    This time only happens once - soak up every minute of it. 

And brush your teeth...