Participants
The people who are directly responsible for the crisis. People get into a crisis because they make a specific choice and follow path of that choice. There is generally no magic around their choice, it is based on what they think is right and we are all wired different. For most of us our crisis ends when we come to the realization we have made a bad choice and make a different choice. It is hard for people to do because you have to acknowledge you were wrong and reverse direction. A bad choice is like a brick you always carry, you can't ignore, forget or try to make it something else. It affects everything else you try to do until you quit carrying it.
This is the category where there is the most confusion. Most people are naturally inclined to be a participant in a crisis. We believe it is the right thing to do because we are related by blood, marriage, promise or commitment. No matter how hard we want to be a participant, there is only one participant per crisis. Unless you started it, you are an observer.
Observers
The people who may be affected by the crisis in a number of ways but cannot change the course of the crisis because they are not the "Participant" - the person who made the original choice. These are the parents, spouses, girl/boy friends, and friends who often hurt or are bothered by what they know to be poor choices. As observers we all believe we can threaten, cajole, promise, or provide some kind of financial, emotional, or spiritual assistance to get a person that we genuinely care for to make a different choice. The truth is it just does not work that way. People change their choices when they realize they are wrong. Sometimes that comes to them relatively quickly and sometimes it comes in a tough, eye opening ways that no one can anticipate. Everyone loses days, weeks, months and sometimes much longer to people whom they believe they can change. If you want to rescue people making bad choices - see Trained Professionals
Trained Professionals
The people who can fix a real crisis are those who have completed formal course of education in a specialized area and are qualified /certified by the state or federal government. These people provide professional help to people to learn or make good choices. They are priests, doctors, lawyers, therapist's, CPA's, financial advisers and a host of other professionals. Home spun advice by very well meaning people (like this note for example) almost always will end badly for the people who take it.
Your aunt is a great illustration of this. I know her at an intelligent woman with a sharp wit who cares about the people who are close to her and wants the best for her kids. She isn't a monster but she has made horrendous choices pretty consistently with the people and things she has surrounded herself with. It is not bad luck, it is a series of choices and she has been consistently making. She does not deserve to be miserable - no one deserves that. But for things to change she has to make different choices. A lot of people - family, friends, and spouses have tried to plead, cajole, threaten, and throw resources at her so she would make a different choice. In the end, not much changed, her choices have remained the same.
She is my sister and I love her. I believe that circumstances will lead her- by sheer necessity to make new choices and I am guessing there will be a trained professional or two involved.
The hard part
Is dealing with people you care for who are having a crisis. You know almost immediately how much you can be yourself and in the end that is the most important thing.
When my friends have a crisis, they never expected me to be anything except myself. Most of the time I help not with any great advice or insight, I just listen. Almost every time they know what needs to be done and what choices need to be made. I can be counted on to break in with an inappropriate observation or demonstrate that I really do not understand the import of their problems. They take me for what I am and we both understand I cannot fix their problems. It is enough for them that I truely give a damn about the dilema they find themselves in.
People that give me hell for not being me in the midst of their crisis generally need me for something that is not healthy for me (or them). When anyone feels that you can make a crisis better by (FILL IN THE BLANK) it is time to embrace your role as an observer and take several long steps back from them.
Give your time and energy to people who you are completely comfortable with. Appreciate the other people for the things that they give you when times are good. And when a crisis hits, learn to recognize when someone is wiping their ass with you or trying to and deal with them appropriately.
Blind Love is like Raw Courage....always a bad idea.
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