Experts

My friend called me this weekend.  She and her husband are contemplating divorce due to a set of really tough circumstances.

I did not become an expert in relationships, divorce, or any of the circumstances by virtue of her telling me about it.  I don't feel compelled to dial up any of our mutual friends and tell them before she does.  I regret that she is in so much pain right now.

I know that some frigging idiot that she tells is going to do a hack job on her.  That someone is most likely going to be someone who has never been through what she is going through now.  That person is going to tell other people who do not know her well.  And invariably one of those persons who do not know her well will say something so stupid and not realize it.  She will feel worse because of the stupid things people who do not know her well will say. 

My public service announcement - if you know who someone who has done this don't hesitate to tell them they are assholes.   Please feel free to send them this post, because despite their intentions they are assholes.

You are an asshole if:

You assume that you are a quasi expert because you have read about, heard about, or were told about a certain subject or topic.  You are not, and the people listening to you know that you aren't - they think you are an asshole.

You do not respect that a person talked to you in confidence.  This is not the exclusive domain of close friends, this is the normal bit of consideration that you extend another human being.  People love to hear this stuff and while they won't stop you from telling them, they think you are an asshole for doing it and will keep you at arms length.

You feel compelled to announce the situation, circumstance, or your expert advice to anyone not directly involved.  Information is power and you are trying to be powerful at the expense of someone who trusted you.  Everyone who hears you believes firmly you are a jerk and an asshole.

I hope when this happens to my friend that she will let it go and move on.  When people do messed up things, it is about them and not you.  Be careful that you don't get hung up when this happens to you.  The old school rules apply here.  Be the stand up person, stand up straight and move on, head up.

These things are have a very short shelf life.  It is a bit of poetic justice that people tend to remember who the asshole was and very little about the circumstances around the issues that made them assholes.  And it always works that you get what you give...please see the Karma post.

Love Dad