Toxic Relationships

I have known this kid for all his life.  I have known his mom & dad for 23 + years.  You know him so mentioning his name is not needed. 

He is in a kind of hell now that no one ever expects to be in.  Certainly not him or his parents.  He was raised in a loving close knit home, he was the oldest of 2 boys.  In our own family photo's you will see him, his brothers and parents all over the place.  His parents created an environment that kids flourish in.  It was a home filled with laughter, joy, and with parents who were very engaged in their son's lives.

He was well liked and a good student.  He worked at a fast food place during school.  At the end of high school he decided to join the Navy. 

You receive all kinds information about drugs and alcohol and not so much about toxic relationships.  Toxic relationships can drive you into the ground as fast as alcohol and drugs.  They produce a lot of the same byproducts.  People find themselves in legal and financial trouble.  Maintaining relationships with family and friends becomes strained and you can be increasing isolated.

This great kid ended up in a very toxic relationship.  The speed that this happened to him was not anything that anyone saw coming. 

He had to leave the military prior to his commitment being completed.  He has went through the legal system in the state that he was residing in. There are things that will have to explain on resume's and applications for at least a decade.  He married his girlfriend who after a couple of pregnancy scares turned out to really be pregnant.  He lives with his parents with his new wife and child and is starting to look for work.  He is only a couple of years older than you guys, not even 25 yet.  This kid will end up getting past this with the help of parents who love him a great deal.  But by any measure, he has a very, very, tough uphill battle ahead of him.

You end up in a toxic relationship because you ignore a lot of warming signs.  Here are some of those warning signs.  Take this to heart and use them for a gauge when you find yourself in any kind of a committed relationship.

1. You have to be careful what you say or do because you are worried about the response you are going to get from the person you are with.  This is a BIG red flag.  When you stop being yourself to placate another person they are manipulating you, plain and simple.  If they don't care for who you are in your unguarded moments, they like the idea of you, but may not care for you at all.

2. Drama - People who feel they are not getting the amount of attention they need from you will create escalating events until they believe you are giving them the right amount of attention.  Crying wolf works, most normal people will respond dramatic plea's for help.  You will find that people having dramatic events to pull you in will refuse the help of more competent professionals.  They need YOU and ONLY YOU.  **Remember, if you are not professionally trained to rescue people, don't.  Ultimately you will have to be rescued yourself after you have made a bad situation worse**.

3. We are all afraid to admit that we have made mistakes in our relationships.  We believe it is a reflection of ourselves and when that person we were hanging out turns out to be a real turd it is embarrassing.  I met your mom when I was about 27.  Prior to that I did my share of turd farming.  A mistake only becomes a lifestyle choice when you are too proud to admit you made a mistake and walk away.  You can dress it up, explain it away, and try to change it but a turd is still a turd.  Carrying it for a long time does not make it less of a turd.

4. You are waiting for it to get better.  A good relationship is a dynamic thing but it is ALWAYS based on mutual respect and consideration.  If you don't have that up front, it does not materialize later.  Lying is a BIG red flag.  You just don't lie to people that you respect.  If they don't respect you, you are filling a need for them that has little to do with a healthy relationship.

5. No one thing, big or small can fix a bad relationship.  If your excuse for not leaving is that (fill in the blank) is great, then you should run not walk to the nearest exit.

6. Last but not least be comfortable with being alone.  No one will ever have a good relationship with you until you have one with yourself. 

As great as this kid is, there were a ton of red flags that were ignored. Don't ignore red flags.  This is not a graded scale, if any one of these things exist, it is a BIG RED FLAG


Love Dad