4 Mile

When I give you all of this great advice, I want you to understand I am living it right along with you.  I am not doing this from my armchair.  In fact this Saturday, I was doing it in a park in North Boulder.  As part of my training plan for a 9 mile obstacle race in June called the Tough Mudder, I have been doing a series of training runs/activities.

Saturday was a 4 mile trail run in January.  The only people who run in January are people who competitive runners in clubs.  There were 131 male gazelles signed up for the race on that cold morning.  Completing the field of 134 runners were Chris, Christopher and myself. 

I killed at that run that morning.  I ran a personal best of 11.10 per mile for all 4 miles.  It is still fresh in my mind today and I cannot keep from smiling.  All of the training is starting to pay off.

For some wider perspective...the order of finish of the training team.
130th place - Christopher with a time of 41:55
131st place - ME!! with a personnel best of 45.11
132nd place - Chris with a time 47:51

I placed 11th (out of a field of 11) in age 50 -54 class.  The winning time in my class was about 23:09.

There was not doubt that I killed at that race.  See it was about me running in the race and pressing beyond what I believed I could do.  I know from hard earned experience that the first steps are the most important and it is all about what you do and not what other people do and have done.  It is about me being in the race and not being a spectator on that cold January morning. 

Nothing will every beat actually being in the race.  The hardest person I will ever race is myself.  And on Saturday, I WON.  I would expect in the following months you will see times start to spiral down as I get better.  I always expect to get better and first steps are always a point of celebration.

So if you are taking any first steps...celebrate that you are in the race.  That is always going to be easier on your heart and soul.  Watching the race will always suck.

Love Dad

Breaking Up

Breaking up will always suck.  You will end up riding this really crappy roller coaster of be glad you are out and missing the hell out of the person you just broke up with.  

It is not easy for anyone regardless of age or life experience.  If it easy, then something is broken with you.  But, there are things that you need to do to move on.

It is natural to remember all the great things about that person and forget some of the pain in the ass things.  You should remember the person with the good and bad.  No one person is a complete piece or shit or a saint.  Like the rest of us mortals, they fall somewhere in between.  Most people you are involved with will show you something about yourself that is important.  Again, you should remember the bad and the good things you found in yourself when you were with the person.  I have said this before but god bless every woman before mom for not working out.

Nothing is worse than having sudden large gaps in your life.  You have to take a hard look at those gaps and start to fill them up with routine things.  As hokey as it sounds, regular exercise programs, healthy diet (might be the time to learn a new skill - cooking), and routine meetings and get together's help a great deal.  If you don't have them in your life, now is a great time to put them there.  Most important endeavors are helped along with the love and care of family and friends.  You have these in great abundance. 

The pain starts to ease when you talk about it bit by bit and look at it for what it is - Stockholm Paradox.  You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.  AND at the same time…You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.  Combine your sincere belief with brutal honesty and a strong willingness to take action.  Cannot emphasize that enough..you have to have a STRONG willingness to take the action to change

It very much like the lid of a pressure cooker.  Never take the lid off quickly (you will bet burned) or wait until it builds up so badly it becomes dangerous.  You cannot remove pain with any amount of liquor or drugs, it postpones it and adds incrementally to the pain.  Again, you have the love of family and friends who are all queued up to help you.  Let them know how they can help, you will find a willingness there that is going to surprise and flatter you.

Last but certainly not least.  At the end of all of your good days and bad ones you are going to have to be able to look everyone in the eye.  Remember the hard and fast rule.  You have to get your ass kicked every 24 period for it to stay kicked.  Never make the mistake of kicking your own ass.  Make someone or something kick it every frigging day and stand up and dare the world to kick your ass.

Love Dad

Impatient

I have always been really impatient with myself.  I have learned (not entirely because I still slip) to extend to myself the courtesy that I extend to others. 

I remember feeling like a race car with square wheels.  Big friggin engine and the harder I pressed on the gas the rougher the ride.  I did figure out (much later than I am prepared to admit) that the square wheels were just flat tires that I refused to change.

Great things and people would happen to me.  I would be rolling along and then I would hit the bump in the road and slow down or come to a stop.  Imagine yourself sitting in a car with a flat, frustrated as hell that you were moving slower.  Pressing the gas will continue to move you forward but the ride and the forward progress is just going to suck.

So I learned to stop and get out and look.  I learned to look at the road ahead and be less concerned about the speed that I was traveling down it.  If I had not done this, I would have missed important forks in the road.  I would have missed traveling down the road I am traveling now.

So I am deeply grateful for the flat tires (the careers- the women- the places ) that did not work out like I wanted them to.  They led me to my life and love now.

If you have that flat tire...don't keep pressing on the frigging gas pedal.  Stop get out and look at the road ahead.

Sincere Belief has nothing what so ever to do with speed.   It really is the journey.

Important life lesson here.

Forgive yourself first and others will be eager to Forgive you.
Believe in yourself first and others will be eager to Believe in you.
Trust in yourself first and others will be eager to Trust in you.
Be Patient with yourself first and others will be eager to be Patient with you.

Love Dad

Stockdale Paradox - Life Lesson

Admiral James Stockdale was the highest ranking POW in the Vietnam War, he was held for 8 years and tortured brutally over 20 times.  When he was asked which kind of prisoners perished in Vietnam, he said that is easy, it was the optimists.  These were the prisoners who said they would be out by Christmas or Thanksgiving and those days would come and go and eventually enough milestones passed that they lost that essential faith needed to survive and die.  The optimists failed to confront the the reality of their situation and when they were forced to do so it simply became too much for them.

Stockdale accepted the reality of the situation.  He knew he was in hell but rather than failing to confront the reality of the situation he accepted it.  He stepped up and did everything he could do to lift the morale and prolong the lives of fellow prisoners.  He developed communication and milestones that help them communicate and survive.    Here is the Stockdale Paradox:

You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
AND at the same time…
You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

Here is the take away for you.  YOU MUST COMBINE OPTIMISM (SINCERE BELIEF) WITH BRUTAL HONESTY AND A STRONG WILLINGNESS TO TAKE ACTION.

James Stockdale quote "I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.”

Very important life lesson here.  Face any trial you have head on and make them defining moments in your life.  Bloody but unbowed.

Kick Ass - Love Dad

Today

Give it hell today.  The only way a day becomes routine, regular, or mundane is if you make it that way.  People will always pick up on and take the lead from how you walk into a room.

If you are in a room with a bunch of turds, the first and most important self check is to make sure you are not the turd in the room you are turning you nose up at.

Great things and people will not force themselves on people who are not open to them.  Sometimes that is as simple as a smile.  The last person in your life of note did not find you because you were slogging through a day.  They found you because one of those great things about who you are was coming through to them.

So if a day sucks, first make sure you are not the one sucking.  If it is not you sucking then stop hanging out with people who are being crappy.

The next great person in your life is waiting on you to see them. 

Give it hell today, don't waste a first day ever.

Love Dad

Reprise - Keep the Faith

Another pearl from the past posts.


Keep the faith.

The unshakable faith in yourself.   Sincere belief really starts with you.

Have you ever heard one person berate another person in that hard, unforgiving way that makes your stomach turn?   There is never a real good reason to talk that way to anyone.  When it reaches that level, it is time to just walk away.

Being driven and having high expectations is a good thing.  There are times when you are going to fall short of a desired or expected result for yourself.   When you fall (and you will), how you talk to yourself is so very important.  It is far to easy to berate yourself in that hard, unforgiving way that is so  damaging.    There is never a real good reason to talk to yourself that way.  And there are times that you simply have to walk away because it has reached that level.   

That golden rule thing about treating others like you want to be treated is right on the money.  People forget that the golden rule applies to them first and foremost.

Forgive and you will be forgiven,
Trust and you will be trusted,
Believe and people will believe you.

So if you are running the race with someone and you fall and they pass you, that is not the end of the race unless you do not get back up again.  The pain of the bruised ego and body eases a great deal when you are back in the race.

Keep the faith, that unshakable, sincere belief in yourself.

Run Forrest...

Fighting Your Demons

 Resending this one

A lot of people have said insightful things about fighting demons.  Here are the top 3 in random order.

1.   When you fight monsters, you have to be careful not to become a monster yourself.  Because every time you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.   This is a bastardized version of a quote from Fredrick Nietzche, a German philosopher from 1800's. The actual quote was - Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.   Fredrick was trying to say that if you had to become a demon to slay a demon there was no net gain.  There is no extra credit for moral high ground, best intentions, or heroic actions.  If fighting your demon adds one to the total number you have made the situation worse, not better.  Looking into the abyss is the mirror we all look into every day in a figurative sense.  If you look hard enough you will see what you became to fight your demons.  The best case is that you don't look or sound like the asshole that you have been fighting with.  Sometimes only  time and distance allow you to see this and it is harder to see in the heat of battle.  (Fredrick, after his meteoric rise to fame, became clinically insane at an early age and lived under the care of his mother until he died)

2.   But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.—Luke 6:27-31.   Jesus is the OG (original guy) who tries to get us all to understand the simple principle that what you do will come back to you and perpetuate itself.  It is more than love and hate, it is everything in between.  People with the strength and courage to fight their demons have either intentionally or unintentionally helped other people find their courage and strength.   These passages get misinterpreted all the time.  He just wanted you to take time to pick what you wanted to come back to you.  The person who has already has hit you has picked what will return to him.  Jesus was no slouch at busting a couple heads when he needed to do so.  I don't think we ever were supposed to be so passive as to not bust a head when circumstances dictated.  It just should not be the default and you should not bust the same pumpkin twice.

3. You can never win a fight with a retard.  If you lose, you lose to a retard.  If you win, you have beaten up a retard.  (The word Retarded comes from the Latin retardare, "to make slow, delay, keep back, or hinder.  This is not intended to be a derogatory term for a person who suffers any recognized mental deficiency of handicap.)  The awful truth is that a lot of the demons we wrestle with are not complex, super intelligent, gifted, insightful beings.  They are people who have been brought into our lives by chance, circumstance, or when you just step in that random pile of shit.  These tend to be people who need attention and consider imitation the sincerest form of flattery.  They get our attention because they say and do things that offend us at a primary level.  They are not nice, don't play fair, and seem to go out of their way to make minor disagreements into epic battles.  When you call them out, frequently you find people in tough, sad, places in their lives.   There is never much satisfaction in breaking it off in a person who is already broken..

Sincere Belief

Please reread the Sincere Belief Dad Blog.  I will re-post it here.  Sincere belief is one of those essential life skills.  It is easy to have when things are going well.  It is much harder when things feel like they are going to hell around you.  Like any other skill that is worth a damn -  you have to continually work at keeping it at a high level.

And at the risk of being repetitive, you cannot avoid a lot of tough situations and shitty people that you find in your life from time to time.  You can kill yourself examining these things and trying to find rhyme or reason for them.  People can get stuck here and end up believing the universe is wiping its ass on your life.  Never true, the simple truth is shit happens.  If you step in dogshit, don't blame the dog, your shoe, yourself, or any cosmic forces aligning up to suck the heart out of you.  It is just dogshit.

Sincere Belief has always played an important role in my life.  It has not been luck or magic, it has been hard work, training, and the ardent belief that I am supposed to succeed because of the way I approach things.  You never stop having to use this.  It was just a couple of short years ago that I faced the prospect of a devastating job layoff.  As a firefighter I used this under some of the most demanding circumstances you can imagine.  The need to have it and use it never goes away.  I can tell you it works from a lot of hard earned experience.

And in case you are wondering mom's Sincere Belief is stronger in many ways than my own.  You just never know do you?

Here is the re-post from a couple of years ago:

Here is another bit of Dad wisdom that I want you both to keep.  I found an article in Men's Health that really explains the strong,  unwavering sincere belief both mom and I have in you. 

It explains it really well.  It is not magic, not a blind wish or hope for the best outcome by a parent or a loved one.  It is really a strong sincere belief in the best outcome happening because of who you are and the work you put into things.  By now, you both have had much more success than a lot of your peers and need to understand there is a belief that you have in yourselves that drives this success.

I predict it (so does your mom by the way, as enthusiastically as me but with grace and modesty) because we have sincere belief.  If you start to recognize the pattern of your success you are going to be stunned by how much success you have.

Sincere belief does not mean you will not step in shit, meet crappy people, have people take occasional advantage.  It sure does not exempt you from the face plant that you will do from time to time in pursuit of a desired goal.   It does mean that doing that will give you more in depth appreciation for the great people and experiences that are in front of you.

THIS IS EXCERPT FROM MH ARTICLE.




HERE'S A USEFUL EXERCISE: NAME SOME successful cynics. You can't. Look at some of the most successful people in the past 10 years: Steve Jobs, Barrack Obama, the Google guys. They're not too cynical. George Clooney, Bono, Pixar's central creative team. They're about as genuine about their lives and work as you can get. Love him or hate him, George W. Bush is no cynic. Cynics don't become presidents of the United States. They don't become top CEOs, entrepreneurs, or researchers either.

Cynics are brambles, quicksand, and snot. They ply their drug one-on-one: Come on, let's sit here and be cynical together. It feels good to stay angry, to stay in one place forever. They specialize in what a friend of mine calls "the bitch spiral," which occurs when like-minded people get together and complain with such intensity that every slight against them becomes a gigantic conspiracy. They attack the successful under the banner of hypocrisy and injustice: "The Yankees' payroll is ruining baseball!" "The Goldman Sachs bonus system is ruining society!" "My boss is ruining my life!"

Here's the thing: Whatever you do, elite performance (which is the delivery vehicle for success) requires a sincere belief -- in the cause, of course, but also in your own ability and the very system in which your performance happens. Cynicism cannot exist in the same space as sincere belief. Cynicism is not disbelief, but unbelief, a refusal.

That's why cynicism is so dangerous to the average guy. If you lose that sincere belief -- at your job, in your relationship, as a son or sibling or parent, anywhere -- you're worthless, no matter how talented you are.

AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING TOO EARNEST, let me say this: Cynicism is caused by broken hearts. Sincere belief in a company, a group, a system, or another person forces you to put something real on the line, something with deep tethers to your emotional core. If you offer that up, and you fail -- or others fail you -- your heart shatters.

Then the choice emerges. Either you fall into a fresh bitch spiral, or you do the most difficult thing any man can do: Believe once again. That means moving forward through the things that broke your heart in the first place: hypocrisy, injustice, venality. A few of the men I've spent time with for Men's Health stand out in this regard.

Derek Jeter: I'm sitting in my living room during the World Series last November, a devoted Phillies fan watching Jeter use his bat to pound nails into my beloved team's coffin. I knew the Phils were doomed, because I've been in Jeter's living room. He told me, while lounging in his easy chair, that being clutch simply means believing -- that because you've been successful in the same situation before, you will be successful again. That magnificent bastard, who works under the most cynical media microscope in sports, always believes he will get the hit. Does he always? Of course not. But his belief never wavers, and it's contagious. And I think, Why does it take the rest of us -- not to mention Cole Hamels -- so long to figure this stuff out?

Jason Kamras: This former Washington, D.C., middle-school math teacher was named 2005 National Teacher of the Year. His case really defines sincere belief for me; after all, who's riper for cynicism than a teacher? "Do I leap out of bed every morning with utter excitement? No. But I do get up every morning with a sense of purpose and passion," he told me. "If you're not doing that, then be honest with yourself. At some point we have to stop and say, 'Look, I really want to be passionate.' I don't think I've ever said, 'Gosh, it's terrible that I can't buy this beautiful house I want.' "

The businessmen: I've interviewed dozens of CEOs and other top bosses. Netflix's Reed Hastings, who has rendered Blockbuster impotent. Blake Mycoskie of Toms Shoes, who donates a pair of shoes to needy kids for every pair he sells. Jim Koch, who quit a six-figure job to brew Samuel Adams beer. These men's big ideas were met with skepticism. Each man blossomed through sincere belief.

Chuck Palahniuk: "As a writer, I felt compelled to toe the publishing line until I realized I was flushing away all my free time. I was starting to really hate writing," he told me. "It looked like just another f--king job where I was trying to please some boss. There had to be a way for writing to be fun." So he wrote Fight Club.

I've sat down with many others -- LeBron James, David Beckham, Jamie Foxx, Anderson Cooper, Aaron Eckhart, and dozens like them -- and the theme runs through the conversations like a power line. One of the great summations of their collective approach came from the actor Mark Wahlberg: "All I can do is try to point out the obvious," he told me. "If you're motivated and doing the right thing, good things are going to happen."


CYNICS HAVE AN OLD CLICHE FOR WHAT I'M talking about: drinking the Kool-Aid. Well, this particular flavor is low in sugar and high in nutrition. Sure, you can abstain out of pride, anger, fear, or insecurity. This Kool-Aid is no guarantee, after all. You can still take the wrong roads, monumentally screw up, or just plain fail with your best effort. Abandoning cynicism is just a tool.

But recently, I have chosen to drink the Kool-Aid. Trust me, it's not easy to swallow. My favorite sport is scoffing. I fight the bitterness in me every single day the way an alcoholic fights the minute-to-minute urge to chug. And yet I rely on this catalog of past encounters with successful men to keep myself oriented. I'm not saying "think positively" or "be optimistic" or some other self-help nonsense. I'm not saying I have a sincere belief in myself or my talents or the American Dream. I'm saying I have a sincere belief in sincere belief. I've seen it work too many times for it to be coincidence. Cynics are fakers.

Fails

The hardest thing about having to do paramedic school twice was having to go back through the same program, with the same instructors, and face everyone who was following my progress through the program. 

Although I am embarrassed to admit it now.  One of my first thoughts was that I would take the course again from a different program.  I thought I could take some time before entering another program.   There were a lot of great reasons to give for flunking out.  I was doing too much and working full time etc.   A new program or place would not change who I was, it would be less embarrassing because of all of the new faces.  Most people keep embarrassing fails alive just by virtue not letting them die their natural quick death.

My epic fail turned into a great story of perseverance and success.  People remembered the guts it took to move forward and stand tall during all of that.  Epic fail turned into the epic success.    

When people asked me about it, I simply told them I flunked out of the course and I did not offer an excuse for that.  It was what it was, I failed in my attempt.  The fundamental truth about failures is that they only become problems when you carry them around or try to explain them at great length.  They are meant to be learned from and discarded.  The second time around I was a lot smarter about my time management. 

All of those great sayings about failures are very, very, true.  Failure is the fundamental building block of all great things.  In career, personal relationships, and everything that is worth a damn. 

If you tripped on a rock and fell on your face you would not carry the rock around until you figured it out.  You look down, and go ahhh and walk away.  Do not carry rocks, leave them on the ground where they belong.  Carrying an armload of rocks will always weigh you down and be difficult to explain. 

In my personal life, every woman whom I knew before mom (the good, bad, and ugly) helped prepare me so what when we finally met I was able to see her and she was able to see me.  24 years this year..

New Years Resolution 2012

It is that time of year again. 

First and foremost, there is absolutely no reason for you not to see the promise and the excitement in the coming year.  The next bit of wisdom applies to everyone who reads this (including me).  Everyone who looks to the brand new year and cannot see the promise in it is being a self absorbed dick. 

You just have not done enough, lived enough, or had enough epic failures to be so jaded as to no see the infinite number of possibilities in a brand new year.   I am 51 years old and every friggin year looks like it is busting at the seams with possibilities and promise.

The old school rules apply.  What you get is directly proportional to the time and effort you invest.  Good things don't generally fall out of the sky and land at your feet.  You will always have to put yourself out there.  There is no escaping that.  The people, places, and things that become the loves in your life don't knock on the door to see if you are home.  Be careful of the things that look good that do knock on your door...chances are you are being lazy if it looks really good.

The things you don't have to work for DO NOT end up being those things that sustain you in the tough times.  That is especially true for people.

Here is my resolution list in random order.
-Lose 42lbs
-Run 5K, 10K, and Half Marathon
-Polar Bear Plunge
-10-20 mile Good Friday Easter Pilgrimage
-Complete Tough Mudder
-Road Trip with Mom to Seattle
-Road Trip with the family
-See the Ocean
-Regular Dad Blogs
-Publish something I have written

I hope your write your resolutions down and that they are big and border on the ridiculous.  Don't be safe about them.  At your age you should be dreaming big.