Learning to relax is not easy at all.
There are a lot of things that pass for relaxing that are not relaxing at all. They let you escape, postpone, and forget. It is not hard to get into trouble trying to find that those things that will help you escape, postpone, or forget the burdens you carry. We all carry our burdens. Important to remember they are burdens to carry, not crosses to bear.
Burdens are not things that are thrust on you by chance or circumstance. Burdens are the things that we choose to carry. Everyone carries burdens, I certainly do. They are my burdens, unique to me. That is why no one can assume them, carry them, or make them go away for me. That is something that I have to do. Your burdens work the same way, they are unique to you. No one can carry them for you or make them go away. They are the things we have chosen to carry.
So you need to learn to put your burdens down to relax. It is so simple it is hard. You gather them up and put them on a shelf for an hour or two while you read a book, watch a movie, take a hike, work out etc. You mind needs to take a break just like your body needs to sleep. Those burdens don't get bigger, or grow legs while you are away for a short time. They remain remarkably the same.
You should also reserve the right to take that time for just you if that is what is needed. In other words, feel free to send people away so you can get that needed break.
A half assed break to relax is like getting a full night of really crappy sleep.
And please don't tell me you are too busy to take care of yourself. No one is that busy...don't confuse being disorganized to being busy.
Love Dad.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Required Reading
My book of the month choice. It is a great book that will help you and your friends deal with those special people in your life. It is a great short read and it is book that you will loan out many times. Buy yourself a copy today.
The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't
Assholes routinely make people feel bad about themselves, make the environment they work or live in almost intolerable, make good people leave places they love and generally focus misplaced aggression on people who they feel are less powerful than they are. This enlightened book helps you realize how much these people need to be managed. It is strategies for getting rid of or dealing with the assholes in the places you work, live, and play.
You have assholes in your life today (this is straight from his book) if they pass the two tests that help with the recognition of the asshole:
Assholes thrive because they count of a person's natural desire to just get along with people and not create tension. Make the place you work, live, or play an asshole free zone. Give them hell.
Hey, by the way tomorrow is Grandma's birthday - she is 70. Make sure you call her and wish her happy birthday. She loves you dearly.
Love Dad..
The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't
Assholes routinely make people feel bad about themselves, make the environment they work or live in almost intolerable, make good people leave places they love and generally focus misplaced aggression on people who they feel are less powerful than they are. This enlightened book helps you realize how much these people need to be managed. It is strategies for getting rid of or dealing with the assholes in the places you work, live, and play.
You have assholes in your life today (this is straight from his book) if they pass the two tests that help with the recognition of the asshole:
- After encountering the person, do people feel oppressed, humiliated or otherwise worse about themselves?
- Does the person target people who are less powerful than themselves?
Assholes thrive because they count of a person's natural desire to just get along with people and not create tension. Make the place you work, live, or play an asshole free zone. Give them hell.
Hey, by the way tomorrow is Grandma's birthday - she is 70. Make sure you call her and wish her happy birthday. She loves you dearly.
Love Dad..
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Brick
There was the one remaining fly in the house. Every house has a fly like that. The one fly that hides out until December or January and looks like a bumble bee.
I knew exactly what I had to do. I went into the garage to get the big can of wasp spray and I grab the garage broom. When I went back into the house, I also rolled up a big chunk of the Sunday paper. I am standing there the the broom propped up against the counter, rolled up paper, and start shaking the wasp spray.
Your mom comes into the kitchen and asks me what I am doing. It is cold here now and all the doors and windows are closed tight. I tell her that I am going to kill the fly. She shakes her head and walks over to the sliding glass door and opens it. With a couple of waves of her hand the fly goes right through the open door.
I hate it when that happens.
Killing a fly with a brick never really works out well. You break a lot of things you never intended to break. A lot of people like watching someone kill the fly with the brick. But if you are the person throwing the brick, you end up being the entertainment in a way that is not good at all. The brick thrower is the guy you want to watch but avoid.
A measured response can be smart and elegant in a way that a brick just cannot. So if you are faced with a shit eating, disease carrying pest, open the door.
There are certainly times where the brick is needed...but they are few and far between. More about that later.
Love Dad
I knew exactly what I had to do. I went into the garage to get the big can of wasp spray and I grab the garage broom. When I went back into the house, I also rolled up a big chunk of the Sunday paper. I am standing there the the broom propped up against the counter, rolled up paper, and start shaking the wasp spray.
Your mom comes into the kitchen and asks me what I am doing. It is cold here now and all the doors and windows are closed tight. I tell her that I am going to kill the fly. She shakes her head and walks over to the sliding glass door and opens it. With a couple of waves of her hand the fly goes right through the open door.
I hate it when that happens.
Killing a fly with a brick never really works out well. You break a lot of things you never intended to break. A lot of people like watching someone kill the fly with the brick. But if you are the person throwing the brick, you end up being the entertainment in a way that is not good at all. The brick thrower is the guy you want to watch but avoid.
A measured response can be smart and elegant in a way that a brick just cannot. So if you are faced with a shit eating, disease carrying pest, open the door.
There are certainly times where the brick is needed...but they are few and far between. More about that later.
Love Dad
Run
Everyone has this really terrible habit of comparing themselves against other people as a measure where we currently are. Invariably the person we compare ourselves to has a better GPA, better job, better, relationship, better resume, or more money that you do. You ask these questions when you are having those normal periods of doubt that we all have.
When you ask why people are doing better than you, there is an easy answer. Generally these people have been working as hard as you have, they have just been doing it longer. So as much as you would like to flog yourself over your shortcomings, it is as straight forward that some of these whiz kids just got started sooner than you did.
You are already finding out that the things that are meaningful to you will always require your hard work and attention. There is no substitute for hard work. Hard work is also the great equalizer. So you get better by working hard. It is as simple as that. Invariably there will be people who chose not to work very hard and they will fall outside of the standard.
So imagine you decided to run a 5K. Think about the logic of standing on the sidelines of the race and lamenting the fact that you are not among the current leaders when you have not trained. Think about the logic of worrying how hard you can run instead of running . Think about the logic of wondering about the people who have chosen not to run. You simply need to run... Run Forrest
The greatest satisfaction you will find in almost any endeavor is that you worked as hard as you could have possibly worked. Regrets are not from coming up short, regrets are for those times where you could have worked harder and did not. If you have those regrets..learn to forgive yourself and don't beat yourself up. While you are beating yourself up, the race is on and everyone else is running.
Run Forrest.
Love Dad
When you ask why people are doing better than you, there is an easy answer. Generally these people have been working as hard as you have, they have just been doing it longer. So as much as you would like to flog yourself over your shortcomings, it is as straight forward that some of these whiz kids just got started sooner than you did.
You are already finding out that the things that are meaningful to you will always require your hard work and attention. There is no substitute for hard work. Hard work is also the great equalizer. So you get better by working hard. It is as simple as that. Invariably there will be people who chose not to work very hard and they will fall outside of the standard.
So imagine you decided to run a 5K. Think about the logic of standing on the sidelines of the race and lamenting the fact that you are not among the current leaders when you have not trained. Think about the logic of worrying how hard you can run instead of running . Think about the logic of wondering about the people who have chosen not to run. You simply need to run... Run Forrest
The greatest satisfaction you will find in almost any endeavor is that you worked as hard as you could have possibly worked. Regrets are not from coming up short, regrets are for those times where you could have worked harder and did not. If you have those regrets..learn to forgive yourself and don't beat yourself up. While you are beating yourself up, the race is on and everyone else is running.
Run Forrest.
Love Dad
Monday, January 17, 2011
Throwing Rocks II
It was a different day then. We were raised old school, kids were punished for being out of line. Corporal punishment was applied when the offense was severe enough. My mom was way ahead of her time. She applied roughly the same grading system used by the criminal justice systems in most states for felonies. The worst punishment was reserved for the person who actually committed the transgression. Because we were a family of 5 kids, she also recognized different levels of transgressions. People who were there while it was happening but did not actually do it (aiding and abetting). People who assisted the person doing it but where not there when it happened (accessory before the fact). And finally people who tried to help cover up it up after the fact (accessory after the fact). Punishment was handed out depending on what category you fell into.
So when we broke that sliding glass window we were thinking we had were in the top two categories. Both of these fell into the category where corporal punishment was expected. Waiting for the punishment was far worse than the actual corporal punishment itself.
We were both sent a room that we shared with our younger brother and told to lay facing the wall. It was pure agony listening the the muffled voices of my mom and dad. You could never make out what they said. To make matters worse we had hardwood floors and you could hear each step that move away and towards you.
In every single person, there is a driving need to have the last word. It is worse when you believe that you are either in the right or have been wronged. The last word creates more havoc and hell that almost anything else in life. It is the one thing that cause a completely manageable situation to descend into chaos. The need to have the last word will not only keep a situation from getting way worse but it will cost you far more than you can recognize right then. It just absolutely blinds people.
So, my mom and dads voice faded away and after about 30 minutes (5 days in kid time) we start to realize that we have escaped any corporal punishment. Its then that I decide to roll over and tell my older brother was an asshole he was and how stupid he was. He rolls over and tells me what a girl I am. We are laying on single beds, feet apart saying every bad thing we can to each other.
My dad's voice comes booming down the hallway telling us we better not push our luck and be very quiet.
The last word came from me. I said the worst thing I could think of , I rolled over and called my brother a F*CKER. He was stunned, back then it really was the worst thing you could say. There is no equivalent word today. He starts giggling and then I start giggling.
Neither one of us heard dad coming down the hallway, I just remember him standing there when I opened my eyes. We were not spared corporal punishment the second time around. In fact we got the original along with new one.
The need to have the last word is a handicap that most people have. Strong willed people are the worst. So if you find yourself up to your neck in shit, unable to get to safety or sanity because you JUST HAVE TO say one more thing. STOP IT...simply get out of the shit pool and leave with whatever dignity you can muster. You can make it worse and in most cases depending on the passions involved you can make it way worse. Having the moral high ground does not make you less stupid here. One of the first casualties of last word syndrome is your dignity and credibility. Nothing entertains people quite as much as seeing people throw away hard earned credibility and dignity. Never be the floor show.
Also if you see someone with last word blinders on, help them as much as you can without getting into the shit pool with them.
Love Dad
So when we broke that sliding glass window we were thinking we had were in the top two categories. Both of these fell into the category where corporal punishment was expected. Waiting for the punishment was far worse than the actual corporal punishment itself.
We were both sent a room that we shared with our younger brother and told to lay facing the wall. It was pure agony listening the the muffled voices of my mom and dad. You could never make out what they said. To make matters worse we had hardwood floors and you could hear each step that move away and towards you.
In every single person, there is a driving need to have the last word. It is worse when you believe that you are either in the right or have been wronged. The last word creates more havoc and hell that almost anything else in life. It is the one thing that cause a completely manageable situation to descend into chaos. The need to have the last word will not only keep a situation from getting way worse but it will cost you far more than you can recognize right then. It just absolutely blinds people.
So, my mom and dads voice faded away and after about 30 minutes (5 days in kid time) we start to realize that we have escaped any corporal punishment. Its then that I decide to roll over and tell my older brother was an asshole he was and how stupid he was. He rolls over and tells me what a girl I am. We are laying on single beds, feet apart saying every bad thing we can to each other.
My dad's voice comes booming down the hallway telling us we better not push our luck and be very quiet.
The last word came from me. I said the worst thing I could think of , I rolled over and called my brother a F*CKER. He was stunned, back then it really was the worst thing you could say. There is no equivalent word today. He starts giggling and then I start giggling.
Neither one of us heard dad coming down the hallway, I just remember him standing there when I opened my eyes. We were not spared corporal punishment the second time around. In fact we got the original along with new one.
The need to have the last word is a handicap that most people have. Strong willed people are the worst. So if you find yourself up to your neck in shit, unable to get to safety or sanity because you JUST HAVE TO say one more thing. STOP IT...simply get out of the shit pool and leave with whatever dignity you can muster. You can make it worse and in most cases depending on the passions involved you can make it way worse. Having the moral high ground does not make you less stupid here. One of the first casualties of last word syndrome is your dignity and credibility. Nothing entertains people quite as much as seeing people throw away hard earned credibility and dignity. Never be the floor show.
Also if you see someone with last word blinders on, help them as much as you can without getting into the shit pool with them.
Love Dad
Throwing Rocks
I think we were about 6 years and 8 years old respectively. Me and my older brother (uncle Phil) were out playing in the yard of our childhood home on a cool fall day. There were not a lot of kids our age in the neighborhood so we played together a lot.
At some point we decided to get a softball sized rock from the yard and play catch with it. Not sure why a rock was a better idea than the actual kickballs, softballs, and footballs that we had. It will remain one of those mysteries of how the brain of a 6 year works.
We lobbed the rock underhanded to each other and we started to move further and further apart on a dare. After a couple of minutes of uneventful catch, we decide to increase the degree of difficulty and make it a higher stakes game of catch. In a bit of reasoning that is hard to explain (even today), we decided to move up on the concrete pad and play catch in in front of the sliding glass door.
I am not sure who threw it too hard first but we went from lobbing the rock to throwing it like a baseball in no time at all. We were both getting mad at each other but we just could not stop. Neither one of us wanted to be the first one to walk away from a really stupid game of catch.
When I saw my brother really start to wind up I decided to teach him a lesson and jumped out of the way.
I cannot explain the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I saw both my mom and dad looking at the hole and then looking at me and my brother. We were standing perfectly still looking at the hole and then looking at them waiting for them to say something.
I had worked it all out in my head before I jumped out of the way, If I did not throw the rock, I could not be punished for it. I was clearly the victim here. Both of my parents worked hard, did not occur to me in any way that in a family of 5, there was not a budget for replacing sliding glass doors.
When my mom sat me down across from her and Dad at the kitchen table and asked me what I was thinking, I could only hang my head. It was hard to look at her I felt like a complete idiot. More so because although I never did fess up to it, I was the one who jumped out of the way on purpose. I was sent up to my room and I was relieved. It was way easier to get punished that to try and explain myself.
So there are a couple of things for you here.
-Don't throw rocks for the hell of it.
-Rock catching contests are bad idea's in any forms,
-Walk away from a rock catching contest even if you were not the last one to throw it back as hard as it was thrown to you.
-Planning to be the victim or trying to make someone pay by being the victim is a very bad idea.
-Blind anger will always cloud your judgment.
-Never hide behind a punishment.
-Always try to make your mom proud
Love Dad.
At some point we decided to get a softball sized rock from the yard and play catch with it. Not sure why a rock was a better idea than the actual kickballs, softballs, and footballs that we had. It will remain one of those mysteries of how the brain of a 6 year works.
We lobbed the rock underhanded to each other and we started to move further and further apart on a dare. After a couple of minutes of uneventful catch, we decide to increase the degree of difficulty and make it a higher stakes game of catch. In a bit of reasoning that is hard to explain (even today), we decided to move up on the concrete pad and play catch in in front of the sliding glass door.
I am not sure who threw it too hard first but we went from lobbing the rock to throwing it like a baseball in no time at all. We were both getting mad at each other but we just could not stop. Neither one of us wanted to be the first one to walk away from a really stupid game of catch.
When I saw my brother really start to wind up I decided to teach him a lesson and jumped out of the way.
I cannot explain the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I saw both my mom and dad looking at the hole and then looking at me and my brother. We were standing perfectly still looking at the hole and then looking at them waiting for them to say something.
I had worked it all out in my head before I jumped out of the way, If I did not throw the rock, I could not be punished for it. I was clearly the victim here. Both of my parents worked hard, did not occur to me in any way that in a family of 5, there was not a budget for replacing sliding glass doors.
When my mom sat me down across from her and Dad at the kitchen table and asked me what I was thinking, I could only hang my head. It was hard to look at her I felt like a complete idiot. More so because although I never did fess up to it, I was the one who jumped out of the way on purpose. I was sent up to my room and I was relieved. It was way easier to get punished that to try and explain myself.
So there are a couple of things for you here.
-Don't throw rocks for the hell of it.
-Rock catching contests are bad idea's in any forms,
-Walk away from a rock catching contest even if you were not the last one to throw it back as hard as it was thrown to you.
-Planning to be the victim or trying to make someone pay by being the victim is a very bad idea.
-Blind anger will always cloud your judgment.
-Never hide behind a punishment.
-Always try to make your mom proud
Love Dad.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Casual Crappy Comments
Most people that say crappy things are well aware that they are saying crappy things. These people talk in ambiguities on purpose.
These people are friends of friends, people that know you in passing or have formed an opinion about you without ever taking the time to know you. They are people you find in your classes, dorms, work, and clubs. These people don't disappear, they are part of the landscape. Kind of like dog shit in the park.
To be perfectly honest there are people that I bump into or have to deal with that I do not hold in very high esteem. It is easy enough to deal with them. Just keep it the level that is needed to get the work done. It would not raise my self esteem or make me feel better to be crappy to them. That does not make me a better human being, it just makes me a human being.
That does not mean I am exempt from these knuckleheads. Seems like every so often someone will feels compelled to do that passive / aggressive thing and throw something out there.
So I hope that when it happens to you (and it will) you take my advice here.
Always call them on it. It is enough most times to just tell them it was a shitty thing to say and you don't appreciate it. For me nothing quite beats the elegance of a heartfelt f*ck you". I will never be able to appreciate people who do not have the fortitude to be straight forward.
When they say "what do mean? or what is wrong with you?, or why did you say that? I ask them what they meant by what they said. What point were they trying to make? And when they give you that lame answer make sure and answer them with a firm "bullshit".
You aren't going to rehabilitate these people, if they stop doing it to you, they will say it to someone else who will not say anything. These people are bottom feeders who feel strong when they can make others feel doubt or feel weak. They don't do it for any real reason other than they can. It's not you in particular, its them.
Remember to never let yourself be defined by what another person is unable or unwilling to do.
Love Dad
These people are friends of friends, people that know you in passing or have formed an opinion about you without ever taking the time to know you. They are people you find in your classes, dorms, work, and clubs. These people don't disappear, they are part of the landscape. Kind of like dog shit in the park.
To be perfectly honest there are people that I bump into or have to deal with that I do not hold in very high esteem. It is easy enough to deal with them. Just keep it the level that is needed to get the work done. It would not raise my self esteem or make me feel better to be crappy to them. That does not make me a better human being, it just makes me a human being.
That does not mean I am exempt from these knuckleheads. Seems like every so often someone will feels compelled to do that passive / aggressive thing and throw something out there.
So I hope that when it happens to you (and it will) you take my advice here.
Always call them on it. It is enough most times to just tell them it was a shitty thing to say and you don't appreciate it. For me nothing quite beats the elegance of a heartfelt f*ck you". I will never be able to appreciate people who do not have the fortitude to be straight forward.
When they say "what do mean? or what is wrong with you?, or why did you say that? I ask them what they meant by what they said. What point were they trying to make? And when they give you that lame answer make sure and answer them with a firm "bullshit".
You aren't going to rehabilitate these people, if they stop doing it to you, they will say it to someone else who will not say anything. These people are bottom feeders who feel strong when they can make others feel doubt or feel weak. They don't do it for any real reason other than they can. It's not you in particular, its them.
Remember to never let yourself be defined by what another person is unable or unwilling to do.
Love Dad
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