Mom is on an overdue vacation with her brother. They are just a couple of years apart and now both in their 50's. From the stories that she tells, they were close when they were kids. If you catch them in a moment when they are alone you they stop looking like they are in their 50's and look more like they must have back in the day.
There is a special kind of refuge that you have in a sibling or a very close friend. They can reach into your lives where other people can't. As life gets more complex, you gain a real appreciation for the people in your life that can do that.
Life for you both is going to get increasingly busy. That is not a bad thing, it is supposed to happen that way. You will always expect more trust and patience out of the people that are closest to you. That sometimes means that they are the last people in line for your time.
So you realize you do not have to wait until you are 50 to take an overdue vacation with your brother/sister don't you? A vacation does not have to be those 2 week extravaganza's. Some of the best extravaganza's I have ever been on have been those overnight adventures.
The last best memories do not have to be years old....they should be a recent as you can make them.
Love Dad
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Book Covers
I got my haircut today at an upscale place that caters to men who care a lot more about their hair than I do. I got a really bad haircut. I am always surprised when I get a really bad haircut because my cut is not very complex. Short on the sides and not buzzed on top.
I am used to my regular barber. She is 65, opinionated, some days bad tempered and always profane. She can cut my hair perfect each time. She has the shape of a potbellied man and has a persistent smokers cough. I did not have a barber today, I had a hairstylist with big fake boobs who was in her mid 40's and was wearing a lot of bedazzeled stuff.
I should have run out of the room. I should have listened to the little voice in my head that was screaming to not let her touch my head.
After she gives me a really bad haircut, she asks me if I want some product in my hair. Men my age should only have oil in their hair when they are under a car or drop a can of oil on their head. I am looking at myself in the mirror wondering what the hell she was thinking when she was cutting my hair and she asks me if she can give me a massage. I could only shake my head, no I did not need a massage, I need a extra large paper bag.
My haircut would be funny as hell if it was not me. You should never judge a book by its cover. BUT you should be aware of the section of the bookstore that you are browsing in.
Learn to listen to that little voice in your head that is screaming at the top of its lungs.
Love Dad
I am used to my regular barber. She is 65, opinionated, some days bad tempered and always profane. She can cut my hair perfect each time. She has the shape of a potbellied man and has a persistent smokers cough. I did not have a barber today, I had a hairstylist with big fake boobs who was in her mid 40's and was wearing a lot of bedazzeled stuff.
I should have run out of the room. I should have listened to the little voice in my head that was screaming to not let her touch my head.
After she gives me a really bad haircut, she asks me if I want some product in my hair. Men my age should only have oil in their hair when they are under a car or drop a can of oil on their head. I am looking at myself in the mirror wondering what the hell she was thinking when she was cutting my hair and she asks me if she can give me a massage. I could only shake my head, no I did not need a massage, I need a extra large paper bag.
My haircut would be funny as hell if it was not me. You should never judge a book by its cover. BUT you should be aware of the section of the bookstore that you are browsing in.
Learn to listen to that little voice in your head that is screaming at the top of its lungs.
Love Dad
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Doors
There are doors that you close tight, doors that you leave ajar, and doors that you leave wide open.
Easy stuff first. I have an amazing circle of family and friends in my life. For me, these people are the definitive measure of my success. These are the doors that are wide open, they are never closed. I expect and want these people to walk through my door any time of the day or night. I walk through their doors on a frequent basis. Open doors
Similarly there are people who have been a part of my life that are not in my life today for really good reasons. Everyone makes the same mistake when it comes to these people. We believe that these people define who we are and the longer they were in our lives the more we get convinced of this. Nothing could be further from the truth. These are the kind of people that help you reconcile who you are. And for that you can (and should) appreciate them - behind a door that is firmly and forever closed.
The crappiest people who have ever crossed my path helped me reconcile who I am. I hope you never think you have to make an apology for seeing something in someone that in the end just was not there. I hope you when you realize that is is not there, you can shut the door and move on without thinking you need to defend the time you spent with them. It is just as important for them to move on and close the door also. Closed doors
The doors that are ajar, well those are the people that you think are going to end up in that close circle of dear friends. Those kind of friends show up when you least expect them. If you have to sort through a whole bucket of assholes to find one of those dear friends it is worth it. Just remember, don't spend a lot of time sorting assholes, it delays finding that friend you are looking for.
Looking forward to having you guys home for Thanksgiving...
Love Dad.
.
Easy stuff first. I have an amazing circle of family and friends in my life. For me, these people are the definitive measure of my success. These are the doors that are wide open, they are never closed. I expect and want these people to walk through my door any time of the day or night. I walk through their doors on a frequent basis. Open doors
Similarly there are people who have been a part of my life that are not in my life today for really good reasons. Everyone makes the same mistake when it comes to these people. We believe that these people define who we are and the longer they were in our lives the more we get convinced of this. Nothing could be further from the truth. These are the kind of people that help you reconcile who you are. And for that you can (and should) appreciate them - behind a door that is firmly and forever closed.
The crappiest people who have ever crossed my path helped me reconcile who I am. I hope you never think you have to make an apology for seeing something in someone that in the end just was not there. I hope you when you realize that is is not there, you can shut the door and move on without thinking you need to defend the time you spent with them. It is just as important for them to move on and close the door also. Closed doors
The doors that are ajar, well those are the people that you think are going to end up in that close circle of dear friends. Those kind of friends show up when you least expect them. If you have to sort through a whole bucket of assholes to find one of those dear friends it is worth it. Just remember, don't spend a lot of time sorting assholes, it delays finding that friend you are looking for.
Looking forward to having you guys home for Thanksgiving...
Love Dad.
.
Monday, October 18, 2010
If you don't ask
If you don't ask, the answer is always NO. Those pain in the ass things rarely spontaneously stop on their own. There is an large group of people out there that subtlety is lost on. There are people whom you have to look in the eye and be specific about what you want them to stop doing.
No one really likes to ask for things that you believe that you should not have to ask for. This is especially true when it comes to the common courtesy people should extend to each other. In your dorm and roommate situations this is especially true. So I have compiled a list for you, flag this posting to those people who need it.
Here is my list of things that you should not have to ask people to do.
-Don't fight with your friend, significant other, casual acquaintance or relatives when I am in a place where I am going to be forced to listen. This is also true for those grab ass sessions you have with your current significant other. I am not alone in not wanting to hear this. Most people like me really don't want to be mean and will tolerate much more than we should. Don't take our silence as a green light for you to continue. I am going to ask you to cut it out and I promise it is going to come out wrong and strain our living arrangement.
-Be respectful of my physical space. When you put your stuff in the place where I put my clothes, books, and my personal things it really pisses me off. It should not piss me off that much but it does. It tells me that you don't respect a fundamental need that we all have - our own corner of the world. It is a corner of the world that I am also paying for.
-Be respectful of my personal space and time. Don't assume for a minute that your crisis can preempt what I had scheduled for this day, hour, or minute. If you don't recall the last time I had a crisis, maybe it is a good time to ask.
-If you borrow money, pay it back without having to be asked. I am not subsidized, so when I give you money it is money I had earmarked for something else.
This is like one of those magazine quizes that I hate. If you see yourself in one or more of these categories you need to cut it out. If you see someone you know in these categories, post this to them and don't wait for them to have an amazing change of heart. Tell them to cut it out.
If you break any of these rules, an apology or gesture of contrition goes a very long way. A simple apology can be elegant.
Remember, if you don't ask or bring it up. The answer is always no.
.
Love Dad
No one really likes to ask for things that you believe that you should not have to ask for. This is especially true when it comes to the common courtesy people should extend to each other. In your dorm and roommate situations this is especially true. So I have compiled a list for you, flag this posting to those people who need it.
Here is my list of things that you should not have to ask people to do.
-Don't fight with your friend, significant other, casual acquaintance or relatives when I am in a place where I am going to be forced to listen. This is also true for those grab ass sessions you have with your current significant other. I am not alone in not wanting to hear this. Most people like me really don't want to be mean and will tolerate much more than we should. Don't take our silence as a green light for you to continue. I am going to ask you to cut it out and I promise it is going to come out wrong and strain our living arrangement.
-Be respectful of my physical space. When you put your stuff in the place where I put my clothes, books, and my personal things it really pisses me off. It should not piss me off that much but it does. It tells me that you don't respect a fundamental need that we all have - our own corner of the world. It is a corner of the world that I am also paying for.
-Be respectful of my personal space and time. Don't assume for a minute that your crisis can preempt what I had scheduled for this day, hour, or minute. If you don't recall the last time I had a crisis, maybe it is a good time to ask.
-If you borrow money, pay it back without having to be asked. I am not subsidized, so when I give you money it is money I had earmarked for something else.
This is like one of those magazine quizes that I hate. If you see yourself in one or more of these categories you need to cut it out. If you see someone you know in these categories, post this to them and don't wait for them to have an amazing change of heart. Tell them to cut it out.
If you break any of these rules, an apology or gesture of contrition goes a very long way. A simple apology can be elegant.
Remember, if you don't ask or bring it up. The answer is always no.
.
Love Dad
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Lost Keys
I had an appointment in Denver this past week. I lay out everything I think I will need the night before. I am up hours ahead of time. Cup of hot coffee, bowl of oatmeal, and a full 45 minutes before I need to leave I cannot find the keys to the big jeep. Arghh..
I take a big deep breath and try to back track and find out where the keys are. After 10 minutes, I wake mom up and we will both start looking for the keys. And about the 30 minute mark, I start to lose my perspective on the day. I start to get grouchy and I start to feel like I cannot catch a break.
Cannot catch a break? I am not even sure where this voice comes from in my head. By any measure I am blessed with all the things and people I have in my life. I could have not imagined that my life would have been this full and successful - and most important..I am not dead yet.
I have to take a step back, get the keys to the small jeep. and pour a fresh cup of coffee. Your mom is sitting across from me (you know she is not a morning person) with that infinite patience she has at times like this. She is telling me not to let it ruin my day. I can look at her and still have the good grace to feel like an idiot. I have caught more breaks than anyone I know.
There are those days when you only find perspective in hindsight. Hopefully on 9 out of 10 bad days you can realize how insignificant those lost keys are. On those days when you think you can't catch a break you are most likely catching a HUGE break. It is Gods way of getting you to stop and smell the roses. In my case sitting across the table from your mom made me realize how much of a break I always catch.
Lately the black hole in the house has consumed my wallet, visa card, eyeglasses, keys to all of the vehicles, and warranty paperwork. The black hole can have them.
So when it happens and you reach that "I can't catch a break" stage realize what a huge break you are catching. Don't agonize over plan B. embrace it and move on. Take a minute and say a quick prayer of thanks for all of the breaks you catch every day. Make a point to look at the day with brand new eyes. Some days I have to swear at inanimate objects before I move on. Yes, it can be embarrassing but a hearty f**k you keys, sometimes does the trick.
The keys by the way were on the top of the washer under my coat.
Love Dad
I take a big deep breath and try to back track and find out where the keys are. After 10 minutes, I wake mom up and we will both start looking for the keys. And about the 30 minute mark, I start to lose my perspective on the day. I start to get grouchy and I start to feel like I cannot catch a break.
Cannot catch a break? I am not even sure where this voice comes from in my head. By any measure I am blessed with all the things and people I have in my life. I could have not imagined that my life would have been this full and successful - and most important..I am not dead yet.
I have to take a step back, get the keys to the small jeep. and pour a fresh cup of coffee. Your mom is sitting across from me (you know she is not a morning person) with that infinite patience she has at times like this. She is telling me not to let it ruin my day. I can look at her and still have the good grace to feel like an idiot. I have caught more breaks than anyone I know.
There are those days when you only find perspective in hindsight. Hopefully on 9 out of 10 bad days you can realize how insignificant those lost keys are. On those days when you think you can't catch a break you are most likely catching a HUGE break. It is Gods way of getting you to stop and smell the roses. In my case sitting across the table from your mom made me realize how much of a break I always catch.
Lately the black hole in the house has consumed my wallet, visa card, eyeglasses, keys to all of the vehicles, and warranty paperwork. The black hole can have them.
So when it happens and you reach that "I can't catch a break" stage realize what a huge break you are catching. Don't agonize over plan B. embrace it and move on. Take a minute and say a quick prayer of thanks for all of the breaks you catch every day. Make a point to look at the day with brand new eyes. Some days I have to swear at inanimate objects before I move on. Yes, it can be embarrassing but a hearty f**k you keys, sometimes does the trick.
The keys by the way were on the top of the washer under my coat.
Love Dad
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The Speech
The death of the Rutger's kid kills me.
You know the speech I am about to give you don't you? I hope you flag this well worn speech to every kid you know. All of you guys need to get a very firm grasp on this.
The unconditional love that your parents have for you is your safety net and a very important building block. Unconditional love is one of those constants we all take for granted. I always assume you know this because of the frequency that you used to get the speech. I am never going to quite believe that I have told you this enough, so you will continue to get abridged and unabridged versions of the speech.
I want to know that you realize how unshakable that unconditional love is. As parents, we want you to draw on that, lean on it, and use it for shelter when you find yourself in any kind of a storm. There is nothing (nothing at all) that would change that. There just is nothing you cannot bring to us. You can bring the smallest things, largest things and all of those in between things. As much as we hope that you never need that safety net for the huge thing, we want you to know it is always there.
The only way I could be disappointed is if I felt that there was something you felt you could not bring to us. You know that you always have an unconditional pass first and foremost. Secondly, we will always pick you up and make sure you are safe. We will find and engage whatever resources are needed to help you get it all sorted out. We will always take a look at how/why things went to hell but that is always going to be the last thing that we do. And that only gets done after all the pieces get picked up. Don't mistake unconditional love for approval. We will always love you first and reserve the right to wonder what the hell you were thinking about when you did it.
You should know how much I love to hear about the smallest things and the not so small things. When you bring these things to me, you will never leave not feeling that unconditional love. You can also plan on getting plain, straight forward advice. I will continue to impart my wisdom and life lessons on you both. That is in the DAD job description and I take it seriously. You never fully get to avoid that.
I hope every kid who feels like hell because of a choice or a decision they have made can turn towards those people who love them and find strength & solace there. When I heard that gifted young man found his solace standing on a bridge instead of with his loved ones, it made me sick. Clearly this young man was very loved. I suspect his parents are not a lot different than we are.
Every single person that reads this should realize how firmly your parents believe that you know how unconditionally you are loved by them. If you don't know this call them up right away and get this cleared up right the hell now. We all have different styles but the message is the same, just listen, it is not hard to hear it.
Love Dad
You know the speech I am about to give you don't you? I hope you flag this well worn speech to every kid you know. All of you guys need to get a very firm grasp on this.
The unconditional love that your parents have for you is your safety net and a very important building block. Unconditional love is one of those constants we all take for granted. I always assume you know this because of the frequency that you used to get the speech. I am never going to quite believe that I have told you this enough, so you will continue to get abridged and unabridged versions of the speech.
I want to know that you realize how unshakable that unconditional love is. As parents, we want you to draw on that, lean on it, and use it for shelter when you find yourself in any kind of a storm. There is nothing (nothing at all) that would change that. There just is nothing you cannot bring to us. You can bring the smallest things, largest things and all of those in between things. As much as we hope that you never need that safety net for the huge thing, we want you to know it is always there.
The only way I could be disappointed is if I felt that there was something you felt you could not bring to us. You know that you always have an unconditional pass first and foremost. Secondly, we will always pick you up and make sure you are safe. We will find and engage whatever resources are needed to help you get it all sorted out. We will always take a look at how/why things went to hell but that is always going to be the last thing that we do. And that only gets done after all the pieces get picked up. Don't mistake unconditional love for approval. We will always love you first and reserve the right to wonder what the hell you were thinking about when you did it.
You should know how much I love to hear about the smallest things and the not so small things. When you bring these things to me, you will never leave not feeling that unconditional love. You can also plan on getting plain, straight forward advice. I will continue to impart my wisdom and life lessons on you both. That is in the DAD job description and I take it seriously. You never fully get to avoid that.
I hope every kid who feels like hell because of a choice or a decision they have made can turn towards those people who love them and find strength & solace there. When I heard that gifted young man found his solace standing on a bridge instead of with his loved ones, it made me sick. Clearly this young man was very loved. I suspect his parents are not a lot different than we are.
Every single person that reads this should realize how firmly your parents believe that you know how unconditionally you are loved by them. If you don't know this call them up right away and get this cleared up right the hell now. We all have different styles but the message is the same, just listen, it is not hard to hear it.
Love Dad
Monday, October 4, 2010
Victory Lap
You need to take a victory lap to start the week..
That is easier to say than to do, because even as I say it you are starting to think about all the things that need to be done. Everyone is kind of wired that way. Try this on some of your peers, tell them to take a victory lap for stuff they did last week and they will tell you everything that is not done and due this week. Taking your victory lap is more complicated because you are both genuinely modest and inclined to understate things you have accomplished.
Recognizing those milestones, the distance you have traveled is a very important thing to do. One of the most frustrating things anyone can experience is the feeling that no progress is being made. We get that feeling because we always move the starting line to the current day and time. Our own self imposed Ground Hog Day.
I know from talking to each of you that things got done last week that were important. You need to acknowledge these. Don't get me wrong, don't hang out a MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner. (All politcs aside, you know if he would have just added the words THIS WEEK to that banner - it would have worked).
There are plenty of deadlines this week. Plenty of people who will end up trying to share their bad moods or frustrations (either by accident or purposefully). There are also a lot of ways to pile up a bunch of those small victories. Those small victories pile up and make those lofty goals seem very possible. Work at recognizing them and piling them up. If you pile up only that things that need to be done, you will end up being manic. There are people today who are following your lead. Teach them this and it will reinforce it with you.
Me, I am going through the entire process with a new FD. It consists of 2 Physical Agility Tests, Written Testing, and Oral Board Reviews. My victory lap is that I completed the 1st Physical Agility test with a crappy knee. Working like hell to pile up them small victories.
I am already doing the countdown until Thanksgiving.
Love Dad
That is easier to say than to do, because even as I say it you are starting to think about all the things that need to be done. Everyone is kind of wired that way. Try this on some of your peers, tell them to take a victory lap for stuff they did last week and they will tell you everything that is not done and due this week. Taking your victory lap is more complicated because you are both genuinely modest and inclined to understate things you have accomplished.
Recognizing those milestones, the distance you have traveled is a very important thing to do. One of the most frustrating things anyone can experience is the feeling that no progress is being made. We get that feeling because we always move the starting line to the current day and time. Our own self imposed Ground Hog Day.
I know from talking to each of you that things got done last week that were important. You need to acknowledge these. Don't get me wrong, don't hang out a MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner. (All politcs aside, you know if he would have just added the words THIS WEEK to that banner - it would have worked).
There are plenty of deadlines this week. Plenty of people who will end up trying to share their bad moods or frustrations (either by accident or purposefully). There are also a lot of ways to pile up a bunch of those small victories. Those small victories pile up and make those lofty goals seem very possible. Work at recognizing them and piling them up. If you pile up only that things that need to be done, you will end up being manic. There are people today who are following your lead. Teach them this and it will reinforce it with you.
Me, I am going through the entire process with a new FD. It consists of 2 Physical Agility Tests, Written Testing, and Oral Board Reviews. My victory lap is that I completed the 1st Physical Agility test with a crappy knee. Working like hell to pile up them small victories.
I am already doing the countdown until Thanksgiving.
Love Dad
Friday, October 1, 2010
Invictus
Here are the two things that I find a great deal of comfort in when I have either taken a beating or I feel like I am on the verge of taking a beating. You already have a strong undefeated spirit. It is hard for you to see because you are up to your eyeballs in things now. For a dad, it is an outstanding thing to see in your own kids. While I will take full credit for this, the truth is that this has been part of your internal compass since you were both very small.
1. INVICTUS (Latin for UNDEFEATED) was written by a 25 year old kid who lost his leg and penned this in his hospital bed. This short poem has been a source of strength for an amazing array of people.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
2. Is a quote from the movie "We Were Soldiers". It is the true story of one of the first battles of the Vietnam War where US soldiers were pitted against a large contingent of North Vietnamese soldiers. In this scene, Lt. Colonel Moore is allowing himself a moment of doubt about the status of the battle. He is set straight by the Sgt Major. True story..
Lt. Colonel Hal Moore: I wonder what was going through Custer's mind when he realized that he'd led his men into a slaughter?
Sergeant Major Basil Plumley: Sir, Custer was a pussy. You ain't.
I hope you both can appreciate that you are fighting the good fight. When it gets almost unbearable, I hope you realize that fighting the good fight is much better that standing on the sidelines watching someone else fight the good fight. These are skills that will sustain you. When things go to hell, people will turn to you. I certainly would.
Give it hell every day.
Love Dad
1. INVICTUS (Latin for UNDEFEATED) was written by a 25 year old kid who lost his leg and penned this in his hospital bed. This short poem has been a source of strength for an amazing array of people.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
2. Is a quote from the movie "We Were Soldiers". It is the true story of one of the first battles of the Vietnam War where US soldiers were pitted against a large contingent of North Vietnamese soldiers. In this scene, Lt. Colonel Moore is allowing himself a moment of doubt about the status of the battle. He is set straight by the Sgt Major. True story..
Lt. Colonel Hal Moore: I wonder what was going through Custer's mind when he realized that he'd led his men into a slaughter?
Sergeant Major Basil Plumley: Sir, Custer was a pussy. You ain't.
I hope you both can appreciate that you are fighting the good fight. When it gets almost unbearable, I hope you realize that fighting the good fight is much better that standing on the sidelines watching someone else fight the good fight. These are skills that will sustain you. When things go to hell, people will turn to you. I certainly would.
Give it hell every day.
Love Dad
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