Worthwhile

For every goal you will have in your life there is one indisputable fact.  Any worthwhile endeavor starts and is sustained by the love and support of family and friends. 

No one single friend or family member will ever be able to sustain you by themselves.  Some people may have larger roles and some smaller key roles.  The roles everyone has will change and develop over time.  Not every person will fully appreciate and understand the role they have in your life. 

All of the complexities of this are not important at all.  No need to try and figure out who is who or where they belong in the order   You just need to know that the love of family and friends are some of the most important resources that you have.  Always use them when they are extended to you. 

The real secret is that it is as important to give this love and support as it is to receive it.  It is a karma thing, what you give, you will receive.  This is true no matter what your age is, but especially true if you are between 8 - 80 years old.

Last thing...your parents know how much you love them.  That starts when you are very young and continues into adulthood.  We just never tire of hearing it...

Love Dad 

Zen and Toilet Paper

I am trying to get the toilet paper roll thing to work in a public bathroom.   The bottom roll is empty but still there and the top roll is full.  So I pull on the top roll and one frigging square comes off.  Now I have to find the beginning of the roll again, so I and turning the roll by hand.  I get another square.  Frustrated now I am turning the roll hard enough that the grey wall is shaking.  The bathroom (that is full of people) is getting a little quieter the more the grey wall and the tin toilet paper holder shake.

I stop, slightly embarrassed and  pull the roll with gentle steady pressure.  I have unlocked the mystery of the tin toilet paper holder, it is like magic, it rolls and rolls..  Zen and the art of the toilet paper roll.

I hate to admit it but I my default approach to problems is brute force.  I am naturally inclined to power through and gut things out.  Brute force works by the way, but it never works well, is not quick, and leaves a lot of unnecessary trauma in its wake.  Problems get fixed much quicker when you understand when you need to push, pull, and yield.  You often get a better result faster and you do not beat the hell out of yourself.

Be aware enough of your surroundings to be able to hear when you are shaking the grey door.  If you are getting one frigging square every time you attempt to get more, well that is also a big sign that you have to do something different.

Love Dad

Temper and Pride

Some quick guidelines for pride and temper.

They should never happen at the same time - they do not really exist in the same space.  If you feel like you have them both at the same time, it is probably all temper.  Never confuse spite with pride, they are completely separate.

They should both be relatively short in duration.   Every one has a temper, when it happens, give it the proper due and then drop it.  It is lasts longer it will eat away at you and color the things you do without you ever intending for them to do that.  Pride also should be short.  ALWAYS be proud in the goals you accomplish, never diminish them.  Not acknowledging them or taking time to fully appreciating your achievements DOES diminish them.

They should both happen.  We all have a temper, it intended as a safely valve.  You should learn to have immense pride in things you do.  When you have that immense pride, it gives you a richness and depth that other people benefit from.

They should never keep you from reaching out to the people, places, and things that can help you.  It goes without saying that the highest compliment you can be given is to have a friend or loved one turn to you in a time of need.  It starts a chain of events that build deep, lasting bonds that last a life time.  



Love Dad

Sincere Belief 2

Please reread the Sincere Belief Dad Blog.  I will re-post it here.  Sincere belief is one of those essential life skills.  It is easy to have when things are going well.  It is much harder when things feel like they are going to hell around you.  Like any other skill that is worth a damn -  you have to continually work at keeping it at a high level.

And at the risk of being repetitive, you cannot avoid a lot of tough situations and shitty people that you find in your life from time to time.  You can kill yourself examining these things and trying to find rhyme or reason for them.  People can get stuck here and end up believing the universe is wiping its ass on your life.  Never true, the simple truth is shit happens.  If you step in dogshit, don't blame the dog, your shoe, yourself, or any cosmic forces aligning up to suck the heart out of you.  It is just dogshit.

Sincere Belief has always played an important role in my life.  It has not been luck or magic, it has been hard work, training, and the ardent belief that I am supposed to succeed because of the way I approach things.  You never stop having to use this.  It was just a couple of short years ago that I faced the prospect of a devastating job layoff.  As a firefighter I used this under some of the most demanding circumstances you can imagine.  The need to have it and use it never goes away.  I can tell you it works from a lot of hard earned experience.

And in case you are wondering mom's Sincere Belief is stronger in many ways than my own.  You just never know do you?

Here is the re-post from a couple of years ago:

Here is another bit of Dad wisdom that I want you both to keep.  I found an article in Men's Health that really explains the strong,  unwavering sincere belief both mom and I have in you. 

It explains it really well.  It is not magic, not a blind wish or hope for the best outcome by a parent or a loved one.  It is really a strong sincere belief in the best outcome happening because of who you are and the work you put into things.  By now, you both have had much more success than a lot of your peers and need to understand there is a belief that you have in yourselves that drives this success.

I predict it (so does your mom by the way, as enthusiastically as me but with grace and modesty) because we have sincere belief.  If you start to recognize the pattern of your success you are going to be stunned by how much success you have.

Sincere belief does not mean you will not step in shit, meet crappy people, have people take occasional advantage.  It sure does not exempt you from the face plant that you will do from time to time in pursuit of a desired goal.   It does mean that doing that will give you more in depth appreciation for the great people and experiences that are in front of you.

THIS IS EXCERPT FROM MH ARTICLE.




HERE'S A USEFUL EXERCISE: NAME SOME successful cynics. You can't. Look at some of the most successful people in the past 10 years: Steve Jobs, Barrack Obama, the Google guys. They're not too cynical. George Clooney, Bono, Pixar's central creative team. They're about as genuine about their lives and work as you can get. Love him or hate him, George W. Bush is no cynic. Cynics don't become presidents of the United States. They don't become top CEOs, entrepreneurs, or researchers either.

Cynics are brambles, quicksand, and snot. They ply their drug one-on-one: Come on, let's sit here and be cynical together. It feels good to stay angry, to stay in one place forever. They specialize in what a friend of mine calls "the bitch spiral," which occurs when like-minded people get together and complain with such intensity that every slight against them becomes a gigantic conspiracy. They attack the successful under the banner of hypocrisy and injustice: "The Yankees' payroll is ruining baseball!" "The Goldman Sachs bonus system is ruining society!" "My boss is ruining my life!"

Here's the thing: Whatever you do, elite performance (which is the delivery vehicle for success) requires a sincere belief -- in the cause, of course, but also in your own ability and the very system in which your performance happens. Cynicism cannot exist in the same space as sincere belief. Cynicism is not disbelief, but unbelief, a refusal.

That's why cynicism is so dangerous to the average guy. If you lose that sincere belief -- at your job, in your relationship, as a son or sibling or parent, anywhere -- you're worthless, no matter how talented you are.

AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING TOO EARNEST, let me say this: Cynicism is caused by broken hearts. Sincere belief in a company, a group, a system, or another person forces you to put something real on the line, something with deep tethers to your emotional core. If you offer that up, and you fail -- or others fail you -- your heart shatters.

Then the choice emerges. Either you fall into a fresh bitch spiral, or you do the most difficult thing any man can do: Believe once again. That means moving forward through the things that broke your heart in the first place: hypocrisy, injustice, venality. A few of the men I've spent time with for Men's Health stand out in this regard.

Derek Jeter: I'm sitting in my living room during the World Series last November, a devoted Phillies fan watching Jeter use his bat to pound nails into my beloved team's coffin. I knew the Phils were doomed, because I've been in Jeter's living room. He told me, while lounging in his easy chair, that being clutch simply means believing -- that because you've been successful in the same situation before, you will be successful again. That magnificent bastard, who works under the most cynical media microscope in sports, always believes he will get the hit. Does he always? Of course not. But his belief never wavers, and it's contagious. And I think, Why does it take the rest of us -- not to mention Cole Hamels -- so long to figure this stuff out?

Jason Kamras: This former Washington, D.C., middle-school math teacher was named 2005 National Teacher of the Year. His case really defines sincere belief for me; after all, who's riper for cynicism than a teacher? "Do I leap out of bed every morning with utter excitement? No. But I do get up every morning with a sense of purpose and passion," he told me. "If you're not doing that, then be honest with yourself. At some point we have to stop and say, 'Look, I really want to be passionate.' I don't think I've ever said, 'Gosh, it's terrible that I can't buy this beautiful house I want.' "

The businessmen: I've interviewed dozens of CEOs and other top bosses. Netflix's Reed Hastings, who has rendered Blockbuster impotent. Blake Mycoskie of Toms Shoes, who donates a pair of shoes to needy kids for every pair he sells. Jim Koch, who quit a six-figure job to brew Samuel Adams beer. These men's big ideas were met with skepticism. Each man blossomed through sincere belief.

Chuck Palahniuk: "As a writer, I felt compelled to toe the publishing line until I realized I was flushing away all my free time. I was starting to really hate writing," he told me. "It looked like just another f--king job where I was trying to please some boss. There had to be a way for writing to be fun." So he wrote Fight Club.

I've sat down with many others -- LeBron James, David Beckham, Jamie Foxx, Anderson Cooper, Aaron Eckhart, and dozens like them -- and the theme runs through the conversations like a power line. One of the great summations of their collective approach came from the actor Mark Wahlberg: "All I can do is try to point out the obvious," he told me. "If you're motivated and doing the right thing, good things are going to happen."


CYNICS HAVE AN OLD CLICHE FOR WHAT I'M talking about: drinking the Kool-Aid. Well, this particular flavor is low in sugar and high in nutrition. Sure, you can abstain out of pride, anger, fear, or insecurity. This Kool-Aid is no guarantee, after all. You can still take the wrong roads, monumentally screw up, or just plain fail with your best effort. Abandoning cynicism is just a tool.

But recently, I have chosen to drink the Kool-Aid. Trust me, it's not easy to swallow. My favorite sport is scoffing. I fight the bitterness in me every single day the way an alcoholic fights the minute-to-minute urge to chug. And yet I rely on this catalog of past encounters with successful men to keep myself oriented. I'm not saying "think positively" or "be optimistic" or some other self-help nonsense. I'm not saying I have a sincere belief in myself or my talents or the American Dream. I'm saying I have a sincere belief in sincere belief. I've seen it work too many times for it to be coincidence. Cynics are fakers. But to keep pushing yourself in the fa

Karma Courtesy

Another True Story.

I am walking up to a public bathroom and there is an older hispanic lady who is pushing the cleaning cart and heading there.  I am trying to beat her there, because I need to go and don't want to walk across the place to get to another bathroom.  I get there just ahead this other guy and I ask the lady if it is OK if I use the bathroom.  The cleaning lady is in her 60's and looks tired.  She smiles and says "Go, OK".

Me and the other guy go in.  I relieve myself at the urinal and this other frigging guy heads to the stall and proceeds to drop a monster deuce.  I wanted to kick his ass.  Making a tough job unpleasant for the sake of anyone's convenience is on my list of appalling things to do.  That she extended the courtesy to let us both in, makes it even worse. 

Old school rules apply her.  Extend basic, good courtesies to the people who have the crappy jobs that make your life more comfortable and bearable.  Aside from just being the right thing to do, it is also a Karma thing.

Cause and effect, never ever be the guy who drops a deuce that the cleaning lady will have to endure.  If you do, you will not be able to escape your turn cleaning things up in a place/room that smells like shit.

Love Dad 

Mule Creek Junction - A love story

True Story

I rode my motorcycle up to Montana and then over to South Dakota to Sturgis.   After I got about 1100 miles on the bike, someone notices my back wheel out of whack.  I ride back to the campground and find a problem that is going to require me hauling my bike home instead of riding it home.  I was relieved to be sitting in a canvass chair looking at my broken bike.  The logistics of getting it home were going to suck.  I felt lucky as hell to be sitting in that chair lamenting my luck with my friends.  It would have been catastrophic to have it break at 85 MPH on Interstate 90.  

I get home by catching a ride in an RV.  After a 2 hour turn around, Mom and I are leaving in the Jeep to pick up a rented trailer to go and get my motorcycle.  Pay particular note to what Mom does through out the rest of this story.  Of course you love her but to you she is the gatekeeper, the one who will bring up all of those pain in the ass things you want to think about later and not deal with right now.  She carries the load for all of those pain the the ass things that we all want to postpone.  I see her in a much different light than you do, there are sides to her that I hope you will see, discover, and appreciate.  Of all the things I found remarkable in her, the things that drew me to her, not a one of them had to do with Mom stuff.  That came later when you guys were born.  Back to the story.

We leave at 7PM, pulling a trailer through 5 hours of really bad weather.  I am tired and we are each driving 2 hours each.  We arrive in Sturgis at 2AM load up my bike and we are on the road at 3AM heading back home.  We used the drive time to get caught up (I had been away for a week), it was great.  We stopped at 5 AM to sleep for an hour before the last 5 hours to home.  We traveled at night to beat the heat of the high desert because the air conditioning was not working on the Jeep.

A little after 6AM, a tire blew out on the trailer hauling the bike.  No idea why the trailer did not flip - it should have.  We are 50 miles outside of Newcastle, Wyoming and pulled over to the side of the road.  There is no phone service where we are at, so I unhook the trailer.  The plan is to drive to back to Newcastle and get breakfast and call UHAUL to fix the trailer.  I unhook the trailer and turn off the Jeep.  The battery is dead and the Jeep will not start.  I put my forehead on the steering wheel and notice I am wearing two different shoes.  I look over at your mom with a pained expression and she grins - a broad genuine smile - and says no problem we will deal with it. 

I wish I had a picture of her in the middle of nowhere (actually Mule Creek Junction- not a town but what the wide spot in the road was called) walking to find the tallest point of the road where she has phone service.  UHaul was called and she got her pillow out and took a nap.  2 hours later a Sheriff stopped and we got a jump, he said he would watch the bike while we drove to get gas.  On the way back, we pass the Sheriff and he stops us and says the tow truck drive is hauling the trailer (with the bike) back to Newcastle to try to find a tire.  We drive another 50 miles back to catch up with the bike/tow truck.

Back in Newcastle, they cannot find a tire and options that are being put on the table the worse case scenario.  After a overdue breakfast 3 hours later we have my bike in a different trailer.  We are now riding back through the high dessert with no air conditioning during the hottest time of the day.  Your mom is Cool Hand Luke through the entire thing.  Not only keeping a calm head but having a tremendous sense of humor through the whole thing.  We laughed our way through hell, never once losing sight of what was important on that trip.

I am superb when things go to hell.  I am the guy you want standing next to you when you face a challenge, hurdle, or a crisis.  Because we will always find a way to manage it and get to the desired result.

If all hell was breaking loose and I could have a pick of all the firefighters I have known to help get me through.  I would pass and pick mom.

Remember, things and people are not always what they seem to be.   For most people, there is a depth that may exist below the surface.  I have known your mom for 25 years.  Having seen the side of her that takes risk, the easy going way she takes on stuff that other people cannot or will not do, and courage that rivals anything I have seen in the FD, I appreciate her quiet, unassuming grace all the more.

Love Dad

Depression

 This was too good not to pass along. 

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes."
— William Gibson

The Middle

The hardest thing is to be in the moment that you find yourself in.  It is really hard to appreciate the moment that you are in.  Most everyone alternates between looking ahead and looking back at where you have been.  I have a habit (like a lot of people) of looking forward at all of the things that are in front of me.  The list of the things in front of me are a combination of things I must do, want to do, need to do and hope to do.  It is not a short list and certainly is not in a good sequential order. 

So I do what anyone does, I spend an inordinate amount of time planning, worrying, and working on my to do list.  I do what a lot of people do and forget how good it is to be where I am, right at that moment.  And even those tough moments are worth being in the moment for.  Because the things that will matter to you most will be the things you fought hardest for.  

Running a race will always be better than watching one.  It is no secret that the thing that makes the finish line great is the middle of the race.  Always have a deep appreciation of for the middle of the race. 

I will be the designated spectator.

Love Dad

Doubts - Reprised

Another pearl from the treasure chest...timely again.
I still have those periods of tremendous doubt.  They almost always come when I am on the brink of doing something I think I am not very good at or when I am unsure of myself.  The strange thing is that if you live an exceptional life, you will experience those periods of tremendous doubt quite often.  You get better at recognizing it, but that sinking feeling you get stays the same.  You also get a lot better at understanding that that sinking feeling means you are standing at the threshold of another accomplishment.  It is the price of being successful. 

You will recognize it when you join a new group of people, a new club, get a new job, enter into a new relationship or start down a new path in almost any area of your life.

For me it is simple.  When I do something scary, I never tell myself not to be scared.  It is a normal, healthy thing to be scared when doing something scary.  It took me a long time to realize that scary stuff did not have to be a noble undertaking to be worthwhile.  Most of my scary stuff would not scare another person but it is so very important to me.  A lot of times it is just being in a new place where none of your normal points of reference or support are. 

Doubt and fear are kind of a checklist, a way for you to quickly assess what you are doing, why you are doing it and really if you should be doing it at all.  I accept that they are part of the decision making process. 


Never let doubts keep you away from a desired goal.  When they threaten to turn you away from a goal you just need to recall the last time you felt like running away and did not and succeeded despite all the odds.  At your relatively young ages you already have a lot of these experiences.


A successful life and one that is well lived is never a completely comfortable one.



Love Dad

Reprise - Keep the Faith

Another pearl from the past posts.


Keep the faith.

The unshakable faith in yourself.   Sincere belief really starts with you.

Have you ever heard one person berate another person in that hard, unforgiving way that makes your stomach turn?   There is never a real good reason to talk that way to anyone.  When it reaches that level, it is time to just walk away.

Being driven and having high expectations is a good thing.  There are times when you are going to fall short of a desired or expected result for yourself.   When you fall (and you will), how you talk to yourself is so very important.  It is far to easy to berate yourself in that hard, unforgiving way that is so  damaging.    There is never a real good reason to talk to yourself that way.  And there are times that you simply have to walk away because it has reached that level.   

That golden rule thing about treating others like you want to be treated is right on the money.  People forget that the golden rule applies to them first and foremost.

Forgive and you will be forgiven,
Trust and you will be trusted,
Believe and people will believe you.

So if you are running the race with someone and you fall and they pass you, that is not the end of the race unless you do not get back up again.  The pain of the bruised ego and body eases a great deal when you are back in the race.

Keep the faith, that unshakable, sincere belief in yourself.

Run Forrest...

Love Dad

Jeep Radio(s)

This is a recurring theme, but it is important.

This happened a couple of months ago.  I had my Jeep parked out in front of the house, get up and find the glove box open and broke and the faceplate to the radio gone.  This is the second radio I have lost in the Jeep.  I am pissed about the radio, more pissed that it happened while it was parked in my driveway in front of house.

When I stop being mad, I start wondering why it happened.  It does not make sense to me.  They left a leather coat and a pair of expensive sun glasses sitting in the Jeep.  It bothers me a great deal, that I have Firefighter plates on the Jeep and that someone would chose it.  I call the Sheriff to come out and take a report.  To make my mood darker, this happened when I was on a roll, things really going well for me.  I am in the garage trying to find the original radio for the Jeep.  I am certainly not going to put another good radio in the Jeep if they are going to steal it.

Sheriff comes out and tells us that the whole neighborhood was hit.  There were varying degree's of theft and damage to cars.  The deputy says it does not appear to be well thought out or organized.

It starts to dawn on me that this is not a dark cloud following me, not the start of a run of bad luck.  This really is not about me at all.  This is one of the those crappy random events.  All over the neighborhood there are people getting up like me and wondering what they did to deserve this.  Like me, they are already making contingency plans on how to avoid it in the future.

We are all idiots and are breaking that cardinal rule.  You should never let what other people cannot do define what you can do.  The shortcomings or bad judgment of other people should never define or change who you are at your core.

The Jeep thing was a crappy random event.  I do not deserve a crappy radio because a thief took my good radio.   Now in retrospect, it seems stupid that for a moment I thought I may have deserved it because I left the Jeep out.  No one deserves to be have property damaged or stolen.  Some low life saw an opportunity to steal and did that.  It is not really more complex than that.

I replaced the faceplate and enjoy the hell out of the radio.  I take the faceplate with me when I have the top down.  Does not mean it will not happen again, random crappy things happen.  BUT I am not going to not enjoy the radio and the top down for all those days because of a single crappy event.

And I am not giving the dirtbag who did it another hour of my time.  Another one of those cosmic tests to see if I have my priorities straight..I do.

Live your life according to your own moral and internal compass.  Let those crappy people and events travel their own paths, do not make those events or paths your own. 

It would have been a sin to either not have a radio in the jeep or a crappy one because of one single event.  Yea, I am out $150 dollars but if you divide that by the number of days I have enjoyed the hell of a good song on a clear day...well hell it is damn cheap.

Love Dad

The Bike Chonicals #2

On the way to town, there is a long tough hill that I have to traverse before I get to a nice stretch of down hill.  It is on road 34 - it is about 2 miles of uphill riding. 

Every day I ride on that road, it looks a little shorter.  It is still a butt kicking ride, but I feel that it kicks my butt a little less every time I ride it.  I love that.  I feel like a king when I get to the top of that hill.  It makes makes the downhill after that seem so much better and I feel like I have earned it. 

When I was looking for the best way to town, there is a way that is more flat and where the hill looks smaller.  It never stops being tempting to take that road instead of that long hill.  I am like everyone else -  it is human nature to always consider the path of least resistance.  Flat and downhill never sounds bad.

The problem is that if you do a lot of downhill the trip back up hill will suck really, really, bad.  And make no mistake, you always have to go back up the hill.  That is one of those hard and fast rules in life.

You see despair in people when they find themselves at the bottom of a couple of long hills and they are contemplating how to get back up the hill.  There is no way around having to move back up the hill.  You can postpone it but that makes its seem more daunting than it really is.
 
Everyone understands the things that are meaningful are at the top of those hills.  Getting to the top does not require any magic or special gifts.  You just got to get on the bike and ride, no magic just pedal the bike.

If I knew how to post pictures on this blog, I would post one of me, sweating through my neon PIG ROAST t-shirt at the top of my hill - the undisputed king of hill 34.  I would want you to have that image when you find yourself looking up at a hill with your name on it.  You will be the undisputed king of a whole lot of hills in your life.  You already know what it feels like to get to the top of one.  I hope you never lose site of that.

You have to be equally careful to not kill yourself riding uphill all the time.  That is as bad as riding downhill all the time. Downhills are the rewards for the up hill climb.  If you don't take time for the downhills and enjoy them, a lot of real joy will be sucked out of your life for no reason at all. 

Joy belongs in your life.

Love Dad.

The Bike Chronicals #1

I have started riding my mountain bike to town.  I log 10+ miles each way.  I can manage the round trip now.  At the age of 51, this is no small feat for me.  I have discovered the wisdom of padded bike shorts and padded gloves.  Like I always tell you, I am constantly learning the lessons that I am trying to convey to you.  At the beginning, I turned up my nose at padded anything.  Numb hands and a seriously sore ass (despite the extra big seat) helped me see the light.

Like a lot of things, it is easier to turn your nose up at things when you are not involved in them in any kind of meaningful way.  For me, I just had not ridden enough miles to have a sore ass and numb hands.  

There is a life lesson there.  Opinions, motivations and drive change in direct proportion to the amount of time you put into something.  If you have strong opinions about things you are not fully participating in, you are going to sound like an uniformed dick.  Be willing to listen to people who are putting in a lot of time and effort in the pursuit of that specific activity.  Listening never stops being one of the most powerful things you can do. 

You will be happy to know that I follow the old school / old guy rules of fashion and dress age appropriate when riding my pedal bike.  My padded bike shorts have a shell that is baggy and loose.  I have recycled all of the PIG ROAST VOLUNTEER t-shirts.  Those great neon orange & yellow colors help people see me and I like arriving at my destination profusely sweating in a PIG ROAST t-shirt.

Grandma called today and asked if you were both wearing sun screen.  I told nobody was wearing a thing and that she should call you both up and yell at you.   I will yell at you as soon as I start wearing some myself.

Love Dad

Resolutions - Mid Year Report.

In the interest of full disclosure I wanted to tell you at the mid point where I am with all of my resolutions. 

Resolution 1 - I want to lose 30lbs by my birthday in June.  Update:  As of this morning I am down 37 lbs and I am continuing to drop.  I am always relearning the lessons I am trying to teach you.  In the end it comes down to what I am always telling you.  No magic, just hard work and a commitment to change a path that was not working for me.

Resolution #2 - I want to complete the Field Instruction Paramedic Process for the new FD.  Update: Part of what I said in the orignal resolution was this.  **Look back at the things that you value in yourself and in the people close to you.  These people and things will reach out to you and help you when you need it the most**.  With that in mind, and after careful reflection I retired from the FD to work more on the things I value and the people closest to me.  This I am working on.

Resolution #3. - I am going to set aside 30 minutes a day to reach out to my family and friends for things that do not have anything to do with the things I am trying to accomplish.   Update:  Hmm, jury is still out.  The intent here is to spend 30 physical minutes doing this a day..and that I am not doing.  6 more months left to get this ironed out.

Resolution  #4 - I want to learn how to play the guitar and do at least 3 cheesy magic tricks.  Update: Again the jury is still out.  I can play part of Sweet Home Alabama, and the big book of magic is still on my night table waiting on my considerable magic potential.  

Resolution #5 - I want to see the ocean this year with mom.  I want to plan a Griswald family type trip.   Update: Almost...we had a great road trip, truly memorable.  Missed having you both there but like you guys always do, someone stayed back to the heavy lifting.  Seeing the ocean with mom is still on the list.

Resolution #6 - I want to commit to send you at least 3 blogs a week, whether you need them or not.  Update: Tragic failure here.  But I intend to get back on track.

I turn 51 on Sunday.   When I think back, of all of the great things I have been able to do.  Being a dad, is far and away the best thing I have done and will do.  One of the perks is that I still take credit for the way you turned out, even when it is you doing the hard work.


Love Dad

Pick Me

This was more than a couple years back but again, it is a true story.  There was a round of layoffs coming and I was part of the group that was at risk.   The affected group was encouraged to apply for a series of new positions.   As luck would have it (and at the 11th hour), a  couple of positions opened up.  A perfect fit for my skill and experience level.  I applied for both.  Surprised the hell out of me when I did not get either position.  It would be nice to tell you that I was just barely edged out but the truth is I was not even in the running for either position. 

Things happen for a reason. 

I have always believed that the shortest distance between two points in the best and preferred way to go.  When I see the most direct path no longer available to me, I have to always be careful to not to second guess why that direct path is no longer available.

Occam's razor -  the simplest explanation is most likely the correct one.   I did not get those positions because there were better qualified, experienced, people that fit that group of people. 

You always run the risk of over analyzing things like this.  When doubt creeps in, you can end up in that doubt spiral that is so hard to get out of.  When that doubt creeps in, I just count up all the wins I have had.  There is a recognizable pattern in the wins.  They happen because I work hard, believe in myself, and put the occasional thing that does not happen in the right perspective.    

The way it worked all those years back was that after not getting looked at for either of those remaining positions, I ended up getting a better position with more pay at the  very last minute.  There was no magic there, just hard work, perspective, and a belief I have in myself to always end up in the right spot.  As it turned out, those two positions I did not get ended up being rolled up in the layoff's a couple of months after they were filled. 

Things happen for a reason.

So if you encounter a situation where you are not selected or picked, appreciate the people that did not select you.  You always want to be picked by someone who see's who you really are.   This is true in employment, relationships, roommates, and the people you hang out with.  It is early on and you both have had a tremendous amount of success.  You should without much effort see in your own lives that it is not magic.   Old school stuff,  hard work, believe in yourself, and let the other stuff go.  Perspective is a powerful thing.

Never, ever let what someone else cannot see, define what you can see.

Love Dad

Battle Ready

The Pilgrimage was from a point in Espanola, NM to a church outside of Chimayo, NM.  10.2 miles up and 10.2 miles back.   I have developed OCD from my years with the FD.  It is a great thing for a Firefighter to have but kind of annoying in everyday life.  I check things more times than I need to and I always assume the very best plans will go right to hell by a twist of fate that I cannot anticipate. 

So when I started out at 05:00 AM on Friday, I was carrying cold weather gear, rain gear, water, and assortment of fruit and snacks..my backpack was not light.  Weather was forecast to be in the mid 50's.  Thick socks, hiking boots, and I am already dressed in layers.   I am ready to adapt, improvise, and overcome any obstacle.

I am starting to learn (a little late in life, but what the hell) the importance of planning for and adapting to plans that go much better than I could have imagined.  This is one of those life skills that is important.  I am hoping you will master this skill very early on in life.  Being able to identify those situations that do not require the ability to improvise, adapt, and overcome is as important as identifying those that do.

The 10.2 miles up is all uphill and a daunting hike.  Despite the clear, warm morning, I did not take the cold weather gear out of my backpack.  I missed other opportunities to lighten my load along the way.  Every couple of miles on the uphill climb there are tents where there is free cold bottled water, apples, banana's, and oranges.   In retrospect, the best thing here would have been to drink my water and eat my fruit and lighten my load.  By mile 4 I could have been comfortably been traveling uphill with a very light backpack.  I did lighten my load at about the 18 mile mark. 

Planning for worst case is relatively easy.  Planning & adapting to best case can be much harder and is less intuitive.

The walk was beautiful and peaceful in a way that is difficult to describe.  I certainly could have made it much easier than I did.  I can't escape the feeling that I was the guy who was in armor and battle ready ...at a pool party.

There are plenty of times to wear your armor and be battle ready.  Learn how to recognize when to not be battle ready.  There are plenty of times when you will have to carry a heavy ass backpack and other times when there is no need to do so. 



Love Dad

Say Thank You

I will be traveling down to NM to do a pilgrimage on Good Friday.  

For me it is a celebration of everyone and everything I have in my life...and there is a LOT to celebrate.

It is a great weekend to celebrate things like this.  Don't forget to do this in your own way.

The battle will resume early next week.

Love Dad

Doubt 2

I have said this before but it is so true.  Anyone who approaches an important task or objective with an absence of fear or doubt does not understand fully what they are undertaking. 

You are supposed have doubts and fears.   Doubts and fears do not really ever go away.  You just simply learn how to manage them and put them in perspective.   Doubts and fears help you weigh the risks and adjust your approach to what is in front of you.

They can however spiral out of control from time to time and paralyze you.   Think of them as the thread that hangs from your shirt.  If you keep pulling it your shirt starts to unravel.  Don't keep pulling at it.  If the thread is hanging here.  Trim it.

Doubt and fear are a integral part of any worthwhile endeavor.  You are going to be much happier if you can accept they are part of the package.  Don't avoid or dodge them, they belong there.

Remember...if you focus on any one single part instead of looking at the whole thing...you perspective goes right into the toilet and it stops making sense.   Doubt and fear are a part of he whole thing..if you focus all of your attention on them...it all stops making sense.

Also very key point.  If you keep pulling at that one thread (instead of cutting or trimming it) things will become unraveled.

Remember, there is a reason they call it LEARNING and not KNOWING.

Love Dad

Keep the Faith

Another pearl from the past posts.


Keep the faith.

The unshakable faith in yourself.   Sincere belief really starts with you.

Have you ever heard one person berate another person in that hard, unforgiving way that makes your stomach turn?   There is never a real good reason to talk that way to anyone.  When it reaches that level, it is time to just walk away.

Being driven and having high expectations is a good thing.  There are times when you are going to fall short of a desired or expected result for yourself.   When you fall (and you will), how you talk to yourself is so very important.  It is far to easy to berate yourself in that hard, unforgiving way that is so  damaging.    There is never a real good reason to talk to yourself that way.  And there are times that you simply have to walk away because it has reached that level.   

That golden rule thing about treating others like you want to be treated is right on the money.  People forget that the golden rule applies to them first and foremost.

Forgive and you will be forgiven,
Trust and you will be trusted,
Believe and people will believe you.

So if you are running the race with someone and you fall and they pass you, that is not the end of the race unless you do not get back up again.  The pain of the bruised ego and body eases a great deal when you are back in the race.

Keep the faith, that unshakable, sincere belief in yourself.

Run Forrest...

Love Dad

Always Be On Time*

For every hard and fast rule there is always an *.

True story.  Young man was scheduled to work early AM shift at his job and accidentally slept in.  His supervisor called the home and his dad answered the call.  Dad woke the young man up and he rushed out the door.  Supervisor called an hour later asking for the young man and the father said he should have been there already.  Dad gets in car to find young son and finds son has perished in tragic accident.  Accident was a result of high speed.

Always be on time*.

*When you are late, be late. 

Love Dad

Intuition

Intuition is one of those things that is hard wired into everyone.  I don't think intuition is more refined in anyone person more than another.   People who are very intuitive are the people who listen to that voice, trust it, and act on what that voice says.

Intuition gets mistaken for a lot of things, especially hindsight.  The ability to understand, after something has happened, what should have been done or what caused something is hindsight.  
  
Contrary to popular belief, hindsight is not a group exercise, it is a solitary exercise.  Even very well meaning people (like your parents) cannot have great hindsight for you.  This is something that you have to arrive at by yourself.  Never hesitate to ask the people close to you for advice and counsel.  I am a big believer in using all of your resources.  But at the end of the day, hindsight is something you will arrive at and reconcile with on your own.

Your own intuition has been very developed for years.  Intuition remember is not a functions of age, time or experience.  There are times you will listen and times you will not.  Sometimes you trust what you hear and sometimes you don't.

People will ignore their intuition for a lot of different reasons.  To be honest here are some great reasons to hear the voice and not act on it.  That is a blog entry for another day. 

So the point here is that I want you to know you are already very intuitive.  Anyone who listens to that voice is.  Never discard or ignore your own voice.  Always choose.  Learn to listen and choose. 

All of that success you are having is no accident and even tho I will continue to take credit for it, it is really just you.  It has everything to do with you listening to that voice far more than you realize.

Love Dad

Expectations

It is a normal, healthy thing to have high expectations of yourself.  Having those high expectations is both a blessing and curse.  It is not enough to have them, that alone will not make you successful.  Learning that you have to constantly manage your expectations is key to being able to manage multiple expectations at one time.

Managing your expectations does NOT mean that you need to lower them, ignore them or forget about them.  Managing them is one of those essential life skills.

Every expectation has a weight attached to it.  High expectations have a lot of weight attached to them.  And when you reach the point (and we all do) that you believe you are not meeting one or more expectations...those are the heaviest of all.   Unless you learn how to manage your expectations you will get crushed under the weight of them.

So here are the key points to managing your expectations.

*There are aspects of your expectations that you simply cannot control.  People that you are depending on will come up short occasionally and you will have to adjust to that.  There are things that you cannot overcome by sheer will alone.  The ability to adapt (adjusting) is a key life skill.  Forgive the people who have come up short, put it in perspective, and adjust.  To your perspective employers, peers,  significant others, friends and acquaintances this is a critical skill that tells them a lot about you.  You would pick the person that can roll with things, everyone would.  In the scheme of things that is more important than never having things go to hell.

*Balance, balance, balance.  Every single day is about meeting multiple expectations.  Never get so focused on one that you exclude all of the others.

*Listen closely to the way you talk about yourself.   Negative talk and thoughts are easy to start and hard to stop.  People listen carefully to how you talk about yourself, for a lot of people this is an extension of how they expect to be treated by you. 

*Don't be afraid to look at a missed expectation and examine it.  LEARN from it.  If you are going to whip yourself with it, you are wallowing in some self pity.   There is a reason they call it LEARNING instead of KNOWING.

If you ever feel like you got your ass kicked, never let it stay kicked.  Clock resets everyday at 00:00.  It is a new day then.  Make the world kick your ass every day.

Love Dad

Sincere Belief - Again

Here is another bit of Dad wisdom that I want you both to keep.  I found an article in Men's Health that really explains the strong,  unwavering sincere belief both mom and I have in you. 

It explains it really well.  It is not magic, not a blind wish or hope for the best outcome by a parent or a loved one.  It is really a strong sincere belief in the best outcome happening because of who you are and the work you put into things.  By now, you both have had much more success than a lot of your peers and need to understand there is a belief that you have in yourselves that drives this success.

I predict it (so does your mom by the way, as enthusiastically as me but with grace and modesty) because we have sincere belief.  If you start to recognize the pattern of your success you are going to be stunned by how much success you have.

Sincere belief does not mean you will not step in shit, meet crappy people, have people take occasional advantage.  It sure does not exempt you from the face plant that you will do from time to time in pursuit of a desired goal.   It does mean that doing that will give you more in depth appreciation for the great people and experiences that are in front of you.

THIS IS EXCERPT FROM MH ARTICLE.


HERE'S A USEFUL EXERCISE: NAME SOME successful cynics. You can't. Look at some of the most successful people in the past 10 years: Steve Jobs, Barrack Obama, the Google guys. They're not too cynical. George Clooney, Bono, Pixar's central creative team. They're about as genuine about their lives and work as you can get. Love him or hate him, George W. Bush is no cynic. Cynics don't become presidents of the United States. They don't become top CEOs, entrepreneurs, or researchers either.

Cynics are brambles, quicksand, and snot. They ply their drug one-on-one: Come on, let's sit here and be cynical together. It feels good to stay angry, to stay in one place forever. They specialize in what a friend of mine calls "the bitch spiral," which occurs when like-minded people get together and complain with such intensity that every slight against them becomes a gigantic conspiracy. They attack the successful under the banner of hypocrisy and injustice: "The Yankees' payroll is ruining baseball!" "The Goldman Sachs bonus system is ruining society!" "My boss is ruining my life!"

Here's the thing: Whatever you do, elite performance (which is the delivery vehicle for success) requires a sincere belief -- in the cause, of course, but also in your own ability and the very system in which your performance happens. Cynicism cannot exist in the same space as sincere belief. Cynicism is not disbelief, but unbelief, a refusal.

That's why cynicism is so dangerous to the average guy. If you lose that sincere belief -- at your job, in your relationship, as a son or sibling or parent, anywhere -- you're worthless, no matter how talented you are.

AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING TOO EARNEST, let me say this: Cynicism is caused by broken hearts. Sincere belief in a company, a group, a system, or another person forces you to put something real on the line, something with deep tethers to your emotional core. If you offer that up, and you fail -- or others fail you -- your heart shatters.

Then the choice emerges. Either you fall into a fresh bitch spiral, or you do the most difficult thing any man can do: Believe once again. That means moving forward through the things that broke your heart in the first place: hypocrisy, injustice, venality. A few of the men I've spent time with for Men's Health stand out in this regard.

Derek Jeter: I'm sitting in my living room during the World Series last November, a devoted Phillies fan watching Jeter use his bat to pound nails into my beloved team's coffin. I knew the Phils were doomed, because I've been in Jeter's living room. He told me, while lounging in his easy chair, that being clutch simply means believing -- that because you've been successful in the same situation before, you will be successful again. That magnificent bastard, who works under the most cynical media microscope in sports, always believes he will get the hit. Does he always? Of course not. But his belief never wavers, and it's contagious. And I think, Why does it take the rest of us -- not to mention Cole Hamels -- so long to figure this stuff out?

Jason Kamras: This former Washington, D.C., middle-school math teacher was named 2005 National Teacher of the Year. His case really defines sincere belief for me; after all, who's riper for cynicism than a teacher? "Do I leap out of bed every morning with utter excitement? No. But I do get up every morning with a sense of purpose and passion," he told me. "If you're not doing that, then be honest with yourself. At some point we have to stop and say, 'Look, I really want to be passionate.' I don't think I've ever said, 'Gosh, it's terrible that I can't buy this beautiful house I want.' "

The businessmen: I've interviewed dozens of CEOs and other top bosses. Netflix's Reed Hastings, who has rendered Blockbuster impotent. Blake Mycoskie of Toms Shoes, who donates a pair of shoes to needy kids for every pair he sells. Jim Koch, who quit a six-figure job to brew Samuel Adams beer. These men's big ideas were met with skepticism. Each man blossomed through sincere belief.

Chuck Palahniuk: "As a writer, I felt compelled to toe the publishing line until I realized I was flushing away all my free time. I was starting to really hate writing," he told me. "It looked like just another f--king job where I was trying to please some boss. There had to be a way for writing to be fun." So he wrote Fight Club.

I've sat down with many others -- LeBron James, David Beckham, Jamie Foxx, Anderson Cooper, Aaron Eckhart, and dozens like them -- and the theme runs through the conversations like a power line. One of the great summations of their collective approach came from the actor Mark Wahlberg: "All I can do is try to point out the obvious," he told me. "If you're motivated and doing the right thing, good things are going to happen."

CYNICS HAVE AN OLD CLICHE FOR WHAT I'M talking about: drinking the Kool-Aid. Well, this particular flavor is low in sugar and high in nutrition. Sure, you can abstain out of pride, anger, fear, or insecurity. This Kool-Aid is no guarantee, after all. You can still take the wrong roads, monumentally screw up, or just plain fail with your best effort. Abandoning cynicism is just a tool.

But recently, I have chosen to drink the Kool-Aid. Trust me, it's not easy to swallow. My favorite sport is scoffing. I fight the bitterness in me every single day the way an alcoholic fights the minute-to-minute urge to chug. And yet I rely on this catalog of past encounters with successful men to keep myself oriented. I'm not saying "think positively" or "be optimistic" or some other self-help nonsense. I'm not saying I have a sincere belief in myself or my talents or the American Dream. I'm saying I have a sincere belief in sincere belief. I've seen it work too many times for it to be coincidence. Cynics are fakers. But to keep pushing yourself in the face of failure, that's real.

Sand

I just finished taking down the wood play set.  I have been meaning to do that for years but just could not bring myself to do until the last couple of weeks.  We finally decided that should be a garden area instead of a shrine.

In a flash of brilliance, I decide to put in a path the entire length of the yard to use up the sand in the play area.  It is a really long, wide path.  I got carried away digging the path out and I have a long, deep path and I am starting to wonder if I am going to have enough sand. 

When we first put the play set it, I was overly concerned that you would break your heads. Neither of you were the kind of kids that would swing or play in any kind of a normal way.  You looked at the play set as more of a challenge, a thing to conquer.  It was not unusual to walk past the window and catch a glimpse of you flying off the thing in one heart stopping way or another.

So, every couple of years I would put more sand in the play set area.  I am not sure how many times I did this but I found out I probably have enough sand for 4 or 5 walks.  The sand in the play area is over a foot deep in most area's.  You probably could have jumped out of an airplane and there would have been enough sand to break your fall. 

And if you wonder why a person who is as technically handicapped as me is blogging Dad Wisdom..well that kinds of explains it.  With this blog I am still trying to put more sand down so you don't break your heads. 

Before you actually have kids you plan how you are going to raise them.  When you actually have them, everything pretty much gets thrown out the window.  If you read this, the easiest answer seems like if you saw a kid doing those heart stopping jumps off of a play set you'd just tell a kid to cut it out.  There are really only 2 choices, yell or add more sand.  When you see a couple of kids with that much heart there is really only 1 choice...add more sand. 

I used all of the wood to build a planter and a planter bench.  It took forever because I had to salvage the wood.  I like the idea of the wood play set getting another life in the garden.  I am planning other projects to use the sand, there is still a lot of it left. 

I am always going to be the Dad that adds more sand.  Not because I am so wonderful (although I am), it is because of the way you both treat the challenges in your life.  You will always fly off of some barrier in that same heart stopping way you always have.

I will start to promise to recycle the sand.  I can't promise to not keep adding it.

Love Dad






 

Dating Red Flags

There are some hard and fast dating rules. It does not matter if you call it dating, seeing someone, or just hanging out with a member of the opposite sex.   These red flags still apply.

No one is exempt from ending up in a bad place when you are seeing someone.  You don't get a pass because of your looks, education, or financial status.  Toxic, weird things happen to great, well adjusted people.  No one ever believes that it will happen to them so they don't act on those red flags.  You are not exempt, there are red flags that you need to be able to see and act on.  

1.  First and most important - there is never, ever a reason for a person that you are seeing to physically harm you or threaten to harm you.  No exceptions - there are no exemptions for liquor, drugs, or impaired judgment due to any cause.  This is a life threat, leave immediately.

2.  You should not have to be careful of what you say or avoid saying something because you think it might start a fight or an argument.  If this is happening you need to take a hard look what need you are meeting for this person.  This is subtle but this is a form of controlling you.  Be with people who want to hear you and who you want to hear.

3.  Do they pass the friend test?  Would you be willing to have your friends meet you both in a social setting?  That should be a very easy, relaxing thing to do.  You have a friend or two who always tells you the truth...listen to them and their perspective.   Be willing to admit a mistake when you make one.  Do not let the need to be right override basic common sense.

4. You should not feel compelled to explain or offer an excuse for anything your date does.  Never try to absolve anyone of abject stupidity.  If it has not happened yet it will.  Your date will say or do something incredibly stupid.  Let them own it and explain it.  People always make the mistake of thinking your date is a direct reflection of you.  They are NOT you or your responsibilty.  They are someone you think you are compatable with.   Don't fail to appreciate a person who shows you their true colors (good and bad), it can be a huge time saver.  Expect to end up with a turd occassionally.

5. Would you be uncomfortable if you bumped into your parents with them?   Nervous is OK, uncomfortable should require some introspection.  Ask yourself why ..and then ask your friends.

6. When it is time to stop seeing someone..STOP doing it.  It will be painful for you and them both, there is no way around this.  Apologizing, offering excuses, or trying to ease the pain only increases the pain a great deal.  Extend them (and yourself) the courtesy of a quick, concise departure.   Get on with your life and let them get on with theirs. 

7. ALWAYS BE YOU.  If you try to be what someone needs, you can get lost in the process.  Let them be who they are.  If you are not compatible, that is OK.

8  You have an amazing sense for what feels right and what does not.  Trust that...I do.

When it is right, it is amazingly easy.

Love Dad






 

Shortcut guy

Shortcuts just never work in the long run.  Shortcuts can get you to a destination sooner, but when you get there, you still have to have the back ground to be successful there.  As attractive as shortcuts are there is just no substitute for plain old hard work.  

The people who take shortcuts don't always jump out at you.  If you are new to a group or organization, they most likely don't look like shortcut people at all.  They can be smart people who know how to talk to people.  They seem confident, articulate and in most cases charming.  They don't stick out like a sore thumb, they look like they not only belong there, they look like they flourish there. 

It starts to fall apart for the shortcut people because of what they need to do to stay successful.  They need to find and be apart of the ideas and work that they did not contribute to in any meaningful way.  It takes people getting burned a couple of times to get oriented to the shortcut people.  Idea's and work get harder to take because the people doing the work become wary of the shortcut guy.  Not everyone see's the shortcut guy at the same time so they can maneuver through the organization for longer than you would expect them to. 

Shortcut guys are slimy in the worse way.  Slimy that is articulate, charming, and well dressed is especially repugnant and hard to forgive.  The feeling that you have been taken advantage of, lied to, or used stays with people.  

You know why people forgive your mistakes, missteps, and misses?  It is because when they were in your shoes they made the very same mistakes.  People are generally really good at recognizing when you are working hard at something.   Successful people tend to want to reach out to you if you are the hard worker.

You know why those bosses, supervisors, decision makers find the shortcut guy so offensive?  It is because they were you and when they were coming up, they dealt with there very own shortcut guy.  Like you, they did not immediately pick up on the fact that these guys were shortcut guys.  Everyone has a shortcut guy story, most of us have a lot more than one shortcut guy story.  No one finds it easy to get over the feeling that someone has taken advantage of you or lied to you.

When I find a shortcut guy, I don't spend any extra cycles on them.  I know from experience these guys end up imploding.  They end up finding way to late about those six degree's of separation, it really is a small world.  Sad thing, these shortcut guys often find out that the hand they pooped in, is the one they eventually have to eat out of.

Love Dad

Burn Out Pit

In everyone, there is an inner voice that is adept at recognizing crazy.  Alcohol, drugs, and ego dull that voice but cannot make it go away entirely.  Everyone also has hard wiring in their brain (frontal lobe) that allows them to problem solve, reason, plan, and make judgment calls. Drugs and alcohol degrade that ability significantly.  You cannot override how your body works by will power, no mater how big your ego is.  It is how your body works.  You can (without drugs or alcohol) make equally bad judgments by letting your ego override that inner voice.


There is a bar in Sturgis, South Dakota called The Full Throttle Saloon.  It is billed as the largest biker bar.  It sits on 30 acres about 5 miles out of Sturgis.  When you ride up, you have the option of parking outside in the parking lot or you can ride your bike into bar itself.  As you ride inside, just off to the right there is a enclosure surrounded by 20 foot chain link fence and reinforced on the bottom with dug in railroad ties...the burnout pits.

When you ride in a big guy will motion you (on your bike) over to the pit.  If you ignore him he will yell colorful things about your heritage, your mother, and your sexual preferences.  The whole purpose of the pit is to pull in and put your front tire on the railroad tie.  A brave soul (of your choosing) will lift the back tire while you burn your tire until it pops. People gravitate to the enclosure and hang on the fence.  If you have ever seen the Mad Max series THUNDERDOME, it is like that. 

The biggest problem with crazy, is that it can be really fun to watch.  If you get swept up in it, it can feel like fun until it goes to hell. 

So this guy, pulls his 20K bike into the burn pit.  He is grinning and revving he engine.  Two great looking women in bikini's climb on the fence with other people to cheer him on.  He gets his buddy to hold up the back tire and with the crowd yelling there heads off he starts his burn out.  He disappears in a cloud of blue smoke. 

You could not tell by listening if his engine seized right before or after the tire blew.  The bikini girls are gingerly taking off very hot pieces of tire that landed on faces, hands, legs, and arms.  The guy holding up the bike was limping over to he first aid tent to have the severe burn on his leg looked at.  The guy is not pumping his fist anymore.  He is talking on the cell phone and to the tow truck driver.  He looks like a guy that spent 20K in a couple of minuets without intending to. 

Trust that inner voice when you hear it.  Crazy is different than everything else.  It is not daring, adventuresome or willing to take a risk...it is crazy.   And no amount of great looks, money, social standing, or toys makes crazy worth it.  Crazy is one of the most difficult thing to extract yourself from.  Crazy is soul sucking exercise.

Don't be the guy that holds up the back tire either.

Love Dad.

Fighting your Demons

 **This seemed timely, so I am reposting this.**

A lot of people have said insightful things about fighting demons.  Here are the top 3 in random order.

1.   When you fight monsters, you have to be careful not to become a monster yourself.
Because every time you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.   This is a bastardized version of a quote from Fredrick Nietzche, a German philosopher from 1800's. The actual quote was - Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.   Fredrick was trying to say that if you had to become a demon to slay a demon there was no net gain.  There is no extra credit for moral high ground, best intentions, or heroic actions.  If fighting your demon adds one to the total number you have made the situation worse, not better.  Looking into the abyss is the mirror we all look into every day in a figurative sense.  If you look hard enough you will see what you became to fight your demons.  The best case is that you don't look or sound like the asshole that you have been fighting with.  Sometimes only  time and distance allow you to see this and it is harder to see in the heat of battle.  (Fredrick, after his meteoric rise to fame, became clinically insane at an early age and lived under the care of his mother until he died)

2.   But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.—Luke 6:27-31.   Jesus is the OG (original guy) who tries to get us all to understand the simple principle that what you do will come back to you and perpetuate itself.  It is more than love and hate, it is everything in between.  People with the strength and courage to fight their demons have either intentionally or unintentionally helped other people find their courage and strength.   These passages get misinterpreted all the time.  He just wanted you to take time to pick what you wanted to come back to you.  The person who has already has hit you has picked what will return to him.  Jesus was no slouch at busting a couple heads when he needed.  I don't think we ever were supposed to be so passive as to not bust a head when circumstances dictated.  It just should not be the default and you should not bust the same pumpkin twice.

3. You can never win a fight with a retard.  If you lose, you lose to a retard.  If you win, you have beaten up a retard.  (The word Retarded comes from the Latin retardare, "to make slow, delay, keep back, or hinder.  This is not intended to be a derogatory term for a person who suffers any recognized mental deficiency of handicap.)  The awful truth is that a lot of the demons we wrestle with are not complex, super intelligent, gifted, insightful beings.  They are people who have been brought into our lives by chance, circumstance, or when you just step in that random pile of shit.  These tend to be people who need attention and consider imitation the sincerest form of flattery.  They get our attention because they say and do things that offend us at a primary level.  They are not nice, don't play fair, and seem to go out of their way to make minor disagreements into epic battles.  When you call them out, frequently you find people in tough, sad, places in their lives.   There is never much satisfaction in a broken person.

Perspective

Perspective is a great thing. Perspective is a matter of distance.  Objects that you are directly in front of are larger than they really are.  This is true with everything, the people,  events, and institutions that are a part of your lives today. 

The great thing that the FD taught me is how to manage things when all hell is breaking loose.  You break things down into manageable components.   It comes down to 3 basic things for you and the people around you.  The things that will kill you, the things that will hurt you, and the things that will hurt your feelings/pride/ego/career/job.  You get resources to manage events based on those 3 basic categories.  Things get escalated unnecessarily because you believe that EVERYTHING will kill you and respond that way.

Give the highest priority to the things that will kill you.  I want to be very specific here.  If what is going to happen next will cause you stop breathing, bleed to death, or stop your heart, they fall under the things that kill you category.   EVERYTHING else falls into a different category.  Respond accordingly

The things that will hurt you are the things that will physically hurt you.  There are things that will require a medical professional to fix.  You can do a lot of things to manage these events.  The biggest one is avoidance.  Things very rarely escalate to physical harm without the compliment of a string of bad to marginally bad judgment calls.  There is a common thread in these bad judgments.  Drinking, drugs, or an overstatement / understatement (intentionally or unintentionally) of a current situation.  If someone cries WOLF, most everyone will come running.  Respond Accordingly

The broadest category is that things that hurt your feelings/ego/pride/career/job.  This is also the category that is the most forgiving in terms of impact to you.  Tickets, Sanctions, Bad Grades, Bad Supervisors/Bosses/Coworkers, Bad Significant others and plain old mistakes on your part will not hurt or kill you.  You are going to have to apply drugs, liquor or bad judgment to make that happen.  Respond Accordingly

Learning is a lot of trial and error.  You find out what works by discovering what does not.  You can also do this by observing this in other people as well.  Pride and ego keep you from trial and error until learning something new is more compelling.  Making mistakes is only a problem when a distinct pattern of them starts to emerge.

If your feelings/ego/pride are hurt, you have to got to suck it up a little.  Great strides in learning often bruise the ego.


Love Dad

Circle of Hope

True story.  There is a circle of people in front of the supermarket standing around a woman of about 65 years laying down on ground.  Almost everyone is staring down at the lady, whose dress and slip are torn and pulled up above her hips.  There are at least 5 cell phones out and no one is moving to help or talk to the lady.  No one had called 911 or even bothered to talk to the old lady who is moaning on the ground.

I asked if anyone had called 911 (no one had) and instructed one of the people with a phone out to call. 

This is a phenomenon is called "The Circle of Hope (COH)".  It is characterized by people standing around a person in distress.  For a reason I don't understand they are almost always in a circle and they are "hoping" help is on the way or that someone has called for help.  People are inherently good..that is why they stop.  But making the decision to act, is much harder for most people.

I asked someone to call 911, pulled her dress down, and did some rudimentary first aid.  Nothing I did here was remarkable, not a single thing.  Basically called for help and made sure she did not make her injuries worse until the FD got there. 

If you have not seen a COH, you eventually will.  The easy ones are the old ladies laying down on the sidewalk in front of the grocery store.  The harder ones are those people or couples who land right in front of you.  They are the ones that are spinning out of control and people end up getting caught up in their stupidity.  If they are left completely unchecked, they end up being a threat to themselves or the people around them. 

These frigging people are almost always oblivious to everyone and everything around them.  People have an incredible capacity to adapt to increasingly abhorrent or bad behavior by other people.

A quick rule of thumb is that if you consistently need to step over, step around or change your behavior to avoid what these people may or may not do, its time to do something.   If you find yourself wishing someone would do something, report it, or deal with it you are part of the Circle of Hope.  I hope you have a clear image of standing around an old lady with a busted pumpkin and her dress hiked way up in front of group of strangers.  Do something, it does not have to be elaborate, it just has to be something.  You will end up waking up the entire COH and things will take an amazing turn for the better.  

Sometimes it is as simple as calling the right number, pulling down the dress, and making sure it does not get worse until help arrives.

Love Dad

Marquess of Queensberry Rules

I told you about my friend before.  She has 3 kids who are school aged and on any given weekend she can be found at the one of the functions that they are involved in.  She has also taken in a young kid that came from an abusive background.  She cares deeply for her family and works hard to make it a home.  Her husband did some things that have put their marriage in a crisis.  It is a emotionally charged issue.  My friend is in pain, and it is the raw kind of pain. 

Most of her friends find out and I think almost everyone then has an opinion (which they share with her) on how she should proceed.  The opinions are wide and varied.  People tend to give you advice based on their experiences and backgrounds.  They will do this even if they don't have have experience or background in the particular area. 

There are some hard and fast rules that you need to follow if you find yourself in a position where a friend is in a jam.

- Your safety is a primary consideration.  I have seen a lot of people get the hell beat out of them because they walked over to watch a fight.  Things can spiral out of control really quickly.  FD rules apply here.  Only perform a rescue if you are fully trained to do so.  Leave rescue to the people that are trained to do it.

-If you put yourself in harms way or attempt a rescue (and you are not trained to do so) and become part of the incident you have made it far more complicated and dangerous for everyone, especially the rescuers.

-When a friend is telling you about problems, they generally don't want or expect you to fix them or propose solutions for them.  Just listen. 

-If you friend wants you to fix their problem for them, be suspicious of them.  The best you can do is postpone them dealing with their problems. Ultimately they have to fix their own problems.  Just listen, by the time they talk to you they really already know what they need to do.

-This is an important one.  Never become an anyone's emotional dumpster.  Some people have a habit of dumping shit all over you and then walking away.  They feel a lot better and you feel drained and smell like shit.  Some people are just never going to attempt to help themselves.  Those are people you got to walk away from.

-There are times when you do have to do something because they are in imminent danger.  When this happens you will know what is needed.  Call your dad by the way.   The only guy who should do this on a regular basis is Superman.  It is the exception and not the rule.

And last by not least.  Never, ever, let the shortcomings of anyone (even a dear friend) define what you can or cannot do.  When all hell is breaking loose you can stand tall by just being you.

My friend is going to be all right.  She has tough days ahead but she will make it.

Love Dad..

-

Valentines day

There is no definitive information on who Saint Valentine really is.  Turns out there were a fair number of christian martyrs who were named Valentine.  Most believe he was a priest in Roman times that secretly married Roman soldiers.  Soldiers were supposed to be single by law.  At the time, he married people because that is what a priest does.  It was a practice of his faith.  The emperor caught him and the unrepentant priest was killed.  No one really understands how it went from that to what it is today.

I enjoyed the hell out of Valentines Day when I was in elementary school.  Every cool kid and dork got the same number of  cards in your carefully decorated Valentine shoe box.  Easy day, every one got the same card from you because your mom brought the value pack.  Half of the envelopes had candy in them.  Everyone was awkward together.  I have always had a love of shared awkwardness. 

After elementary school it really turns into a pain in the ass day for most people.  Nothing can kill a genuine gesture or emotion by choreographing it to death. 

I hate to sound like a chick but the loves that last..they take time to happen.  They most often come when you are very comfortable with yourself.   These people are easy to be with and they are low maintenance.  Romantic dinners  happen at random times and places and generally are pretty cheap.  Romantic gestures are rolling up your sleeves and helping with a decidedly unglamorous chores.  

I was 27 or 28 when I met mom.  I lived alone, and certainly was not looking for a significant other of any kind.  My significant other at that time was a motorcycle and I was a happy bachelor.  Aside from being intelligent, and beautiful she loved me for who I was.  For us, this will be our 23rd Valentines Day together.

Don't settle for anything less.

Love Dad..





 

Fearless

I see this guy with a laughing skull on his shirt and FEARLESS in bold letters across the front.   Every time I see one of these, I think what a wrong message it sends.

Fear is a good thing.  Fear gives you the ability to recognize a threat or dangerous situation.  After you recognize it, you get to decide how you are going to navigate it, deal with it, or avoid it.  Fear is a healthy part of every day life.  It should not be avoided, ignored, or put on laughing skull t-shirts.

You navigate through fear by being well trained and prepared.  The FD has always taught me this.  Exhaustive training and preparation will help you make the right choices when you are in a tough, scary situations.  Even then you use fear to help you reevaluate changing situations and circumstances.  Preparation and training includes the mental and physical aspects.  Nothing takes the edge off fear like being knowledgeable about what you stepping into. 

You deal with fear by simply accepting that it is a part of any worthwhile endeavor. 

There are certainly times when fear will help you avoid a situation or circumstance that you simply do not belong in.  You should not however use fear as an excuse.  There are going to be those times when you are not as prepared as you should be and you still need to move forward.  When I was taking those P-school tests, I frequently felt like I was almost in over my head.  The only thing that took the edge off of that was keeping my head in the books.

People confuse anxiety with fear.  Anxiety is anticipation of danger when there is no real threat or danger.  It is the thing that typically proceeds fear.  Anxiety produces a lot of stress and that stress brings all of your preparation and training to screaming halt.  Anxiety makes manageable things insurmountable.  People get all worn out and used up just being anxious.  Fear can really paralyze you when your anxiety has stopped your preparation and worn you out mentally.

There is a very long list of things that people use to manage fear that just don't work.  There is nothing that you can drink, smoke, or take in pill that makes it go away.  If you try to escape that way, your fear will wait patiently for you to return. 

The only place for FEARLESSNESS is on crappy t-shirts and bumper stickers. 

Love Dad 

Small Wins

One of those top ten life skills is the ability to recognize, acknowledge and celebrate the small wins you have almost every single day.  

The old school rules apply here.  When someone acknowledges one of those wins (small or large) be gracious and tell them "thank you".  Don't be the person who ruins a perfectly good thank you by going on to describe how much more has to be done or ignoring the compliment altogether. 

When you tell people to celebrate the small wins, they get hung up on the celebrate part.  Celebrating is not always that fist pumping, yell at the top of your lungs thing.  A lot of time it is just you being able to say "I did it" to yourself, your friends, or family.

It is no secret at all that the really big wins are composed of a lot of much smaller ones.  When you start to recognize the small wins & celebrate them you have a much better sense of how on track you really are. 

Here is a small test...if you can recall more failures than wins in the last couple of weeks...punch yourself in the neck.  You both have done some really outstanding things lately.   Be the person that stacks up those wins like silver dollars.  Don't stack turds (failures, real and perceived).

Love Dad

Mistakes

I hate to be repetitive about this but it is important.

Learn to forgive yourself for your missteps and mistakes.   This is such an important thing to be able to do.  Sometimes you are just to close to them to have any real perspective.  They feel larger than they really are.  Driven people tend to be hard on themselves. 

It is certainly ok to take a critical look at where you missed.  Let that critical look be brief and move on.  If you wallow in it, a needed lesson can be lost. 

All of those missteps and mistakes are an integral part of your education.   There are things that you need to learn that you cannot glean from a book or another person.  You simply have to do it.

Wallowing in these mistakes is never a great idea.  Old school rule applies here.  Admit it, give it a brief critical look and go back and do it differently to get the result that you desire.

This skill is one that you will use all of your adult life.  My last shift at the FD, I made a mistake.  Man that killed me because it was a very simple thing.   These things are also a integral part of my education.

Think about it in these terms.  You step on a giant turd.  Does it benefit you (or anyone else) for you to carry it around?  Show it to people?   Or wear it around your neck?   Stepping in dog shit does not make you dog shit.  Just be more careful where you step.

Love Dad

Overthinking

Boomer is not a complex dog.  He kills me.  You can walk out the front door to check the mail.  He will follow you to the door and wag his tail.  It takes all of 2 minutes to walk out and get the mail.  When you walk back in the front door, he greets you like you have been away for days.  It is one of those genuine enthusiastic greetings.  He will jump up and down, make noise, and pretty much demand that you pet him.  He just does not stop until you do.

Boomer does not overthink anything.  He just knows that it is great to see you walk back in the door and he does not hesitate for a minute to let you know how happy he is to see you.

You for the most part are spending a lot of time outside of your comfort zone.  When a lot of stuff is coming at you and there is a reasonable amount of stress involved, you are prone to overthinking things. 

You overthink things when you have some decision or task in front of you.  Typically you are really stressed out about it and you think you do not have control over what is going to happen.  You don't really distinguish between what is an actual lack of control and what is a perceived lack of control.  In your head they are both the same thing. 

When you do not have control of something, taking an action gives you control.  Inactivity gives the situation or task control of you.

It is pretty easy to spend much more time thinking about something instead of doing something .  Overthinking requires you to stop what you are doing to think things through.  Overthinking means you are standing still, progress comes to a halt.  The cure to overthinking is to do something.  Even if it is not the exact right thing, it puts you on a path to discover what is the right thing to do. 

True story here.  I see a guy in a wheel chair drop his bag of groceries and I walk over to help him.  It is not about anything but dropped groceries.  It is not about his wheelchair, or me.   This guy really appreciated the help.  I did the same thing a couple of weeks later when I see a guy on crutches drop his newspaper.  I go to pick up the paper and the guy barks at me.  I told him not to be a dick.  I did not overthink things in either case. 

So be careful.  The real danger in overthinking anything is that if you do it long enough, you will be unnaturally afraid and tentative.  The monster in your closet gets bigger every minute you do not open the closet door.  Never hesitate to open the closet door.

Love Dad