Karma II

I am a believer in Karma.  Your actions and words will always carry the weight of consequence for you.

I am also a firm believer that there are things and people I cannot make better by extending myself to them.  In order for me to reach out to you, you have got to be able to reach back in a meaningful way.  Reaching out to someone implies that you are attempting to connect with them.  Connecting to people is as simple as a smile or word that leaves a door open for that person to try and get to know you.

There is a subset of people you will reach out to that are huge mistakes.  When you peel back the onion, you will occasionally not find the beautiful human you expected, you will find a person with significant personal  deficits that should never be part of your life.  It seems like almost simultaneously when you are finding how much they do not belong in your life -  they will find a pressing need to become part of your life.  

There are connections that should be broken, doors that should be closed, and times when you need to have people get out of your life, who are starting to suck the life out of you.  From a Karma standpoint you only owe these people the honesty of clearly stepping away from them.  

Most people know when you are clearly stepping away from them.  For them not to acknowledge that you are stepping away is a form of manipulation they use to keep in contact with you.   Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to be firm and honest. 

There are people in my life who I thought would be good or casual friends that were train wrecks.  They had to go through their own journey to find their own self worth.  These journeys frequently involved a series of destructive behaviors that involved bad relationships, drug and alcohol abuse and bad personal decisions.  I would have not helped them or me to have been a witness to that journey. 

So use your good deeds at a time, a place, and  a person where they will find some purchase.  Never dump your good deeds into the black hole of someone else's destructive behavior.

Convention

When I was younger than you are now, I decided I was going to be a Professional Rodeo Cowboy.  It is funny now to remember the look my parents had.  I remember my mom writing something on the calendar that day and I don't think she wrote "best day ever" on the calendar.

This was before there was a Facebook, Skype, or Reddit.  Hell, this was before email.  In the absence of any real social media you could ride off into the sunset.  Conversely you could ride into a new town and reinvent yourself.  There are a couple of reasons that this worked so well back in the day.  No one was really aware of how much and how often you actually fell on your face. 

We were born in a time where the goal out of high school was stability.  A good job, a nice car, and the ability to get some of the nicer things.  You felt like people were PROUD of you when you had that good job, apartment, and car. When you decided to depart from that you had to have a sincere belief in yourself.  Because if you step out of what you think is conventional, you are going to be the target of some tongue wagging and finger pointing.  People who followed convention, also want you to follow convention.  


When I left to be a Professional Rodeo Cowboy it was something I was proud of and believed in.  And while it sounds glamorous in print and paper, it was about working a lot of day jobs to make entry fee's. A lot of traveling to paths of the beaten trail and living (this is a huge understatement) modestly.  While I was doing this a lot of my peers were getting jobs and earning a decent living.  And while my parents firmly believed what I did was akin to running away to join the circus, it was an amazing experience and journey that I would not have traded for the world.

I did not make my living as a Professional Rodeo Cowboy.  I did learn more than my peers who opted for the more conventional definition of success.  I learned how to believe in and trust myself and that has served me really well all these years.  If given the choice of having money or a great passion, I would always pick the passion.  Even at the tender age of 52, I am really happy to know that I do not ever have to wonder if I could have made it as a Professional Rodeo Cowboy.  The pursuit of a passion is never going to be a losing proposition.  Because you find out one of the most essential things you can do in life is to be proud of yourself first before worrying if people are proud of you.

So if you start to worrying about where you are in the pecking order of your peers...don't.  Always have the stones to look your peers in the eye and tell them exactly what you are doing.  Especially if it is not the conventional path.  You owe that to them and mostly to yourself.

Give them all hell
Love Dad

Remission

Remission

I was told last Wednesday that Chris is officially in remission.  His cancer is not gone, but it is smaller and stable.  Chemo/Radiation started in August, it seems like a lifetime ago.   Here are my cancer notes for you.  He reminds me of some of the important stuff.

Measured Grace - Every time someone offered him the best seat, offered to drive him to chemo, shovel a walk, or some other everyday task, he accepted the offers of help with a lot of appreciation and grace.   He came to understand that by gratefully accepting these gestures, it allowed people to do something when there was really nothing to be done.  The truth is that most of these gestures, while made with the greatest of intentions were difficult reminders to him of what he could not do himself.  So the people that were afraid and feeling helpless were able to feel like they contributed in a small way to the most important journey of his life.  Nothing is more gut churning than to feel like a helpless bystander when a life is changing before your eyes.  By putting his ego aside he was able let a lot of people be a small part in the fight for his life.  SO the next time that well meaning person (family/friend/stranger) reaches out to you, consider putting your ego aside and put them ahead of yourself.  By accepting that small bit of help, they will feel infinitely better because they will feel in a small way, that they have been a part of your journey.   Remember, that hard and fast rule -it is not always about just you.

Accepting Incremental Wins - His cancer is smaller and stable not gone - this is considered remission.  So for the next 90 days he is officially stable with no drugs or treatments.  He will have to be checked for the rest of his life (at this point being able to say the rest of his life is outstanding) .  But today he is in remission and every single day should be a celebration of life.  I am not going to wait for the train to run over him again, I am going to take these days for what they are...a gift.  SO DO NOT spend a lot of time lamenting the train that may or may not run over you.  Every day you have is a gift.  Make sure you use every day.  The train that runs people over is often discussed, planned for, and searched for.  The truth is the train runs over a small percent of people and it always because the elect to not step out of its path.
  
Courage - Chris was a constant reminder to me that courage is the simple act of putting one foot in front of the other in the most dire circumstances imaginable.  Most of the amazing acts of courage will never see the light of day and it does not for a minute diminish them.  It is never a single act of courage that defines you.  It is a compilation of courageous acts that will surface when you (or someone else) needs them the most.   Like everything else you learn to be courageous.  SO all of those times you put one foot in front of the other when it you have no reason to COUNT big time.  That is your portfolio of courage, never get concerned that no one see's them.  When you are called on to be courageous in a public way, it will be second nature to you.

Love Dad

Fake Courtesy

Most of the time when someone says something stupid or hurtful to you,  they are aware they are doing it. 

The default is to always treat people with courtesy.  It becomes an obligation to do this when you are extended genuine courtesy.  You are not obligated to treat anyone with courtesy when they make a point of not extending you the simple courtesy we all deserve.  Courtesy is not dictated by voice tones, gestures, or the pretense of concern.  Courtesy is dictated by intent and you should always trust that little voice in your head when determining if someone is pulling your chain or not.  People that say crappy and stupid things just do not have the fortitude to speak their mind plainly.

The best way to handle people who have a propensity for this kind of behavior is just to avoid them.   If you cannot avoid them, do not indulge them.  Treat them  in a blunt, straightforward manner and call them on the stupid shit they are saying.   Don't mince words and don't hesitate to tell them to f**k off. 

This does not change or rehabilitate them, but it keeps stupid and crazy from following you home.

Love Dad

Occam's Razor

Is the principle that you should start with the simplest most direct theory, one that makes the fewest assumptions when you are looking for the answer to that  burning question you have.  Simplest explanations or theories usually carry more weight.  When there are fewer assumptions there are fewer things to disprove.

William of Ockham (his given name was Willaim and he was born in Ockham England) was a 14th century friar who got into trouble with the Catholic church over his writings.   He was a Franciscan Friar who was booted from the Church for his writings and lived in exile as the leader of exiled Franciscan Friars until he died as a result of the black plaque of the 14th Century.  He wrote about a lot of things that never did see the light of day.  No one is sure how Ockham got changed to Occam and the "razor" was not something he came up with.  It attached to Occam centuries later when it was used to describe the shaving away of unnecessary assumptions. 

We all attach more complexity and assumptions to the questions that are most important to us.  Very recently I heard my mom ask the question why me question?  Why did she she have heart attacks, bad overall health, and an overload of stress?  The answer here is as simple as can be.  With a family history of heart problems and diabetes and in the absence of any meaningful medical checkups, stress management, or proactive desire to manage her health, the logical thing happened.    It really is not more complex than that, it does not require additional complex theories or assumptions - Occam's razor.  She has been driving the hell out of the same car for 71 years and failed to ever get  it a tuned up/checked/routine maintenance and at some point even stopped adding oil.  It is not hard to see why it broke.

Take a look at the things that have to be answered in your life.  There are jobs, people, and places in your life that did not work out as you expected them to.  Answer the question of why as simply as you can and you will find that simple answer surprisingly complete and comprehensive.

If you have a job or a person in your life that does not fit, you can certainly make them fit.  It is like putting on a shirt that is 2 sizes too small, you can get it on but it is going to feel and look like hell and most importantly you don't fool anyone...even yourself.   Don't do that...find the ones that fit and make you feel good.  When you feel good, that feeling infects everyone around you in the coolest way possible. 

Love Dad

Threshold

The worst time at a working fire is when you have all of your gear on and you are at the point of the fire attack, looking at your partner, waiting for the hose to be charged while standing at the door waiting to cross the threshold. It is at the point (no matter how brief or long it is) that all of your fears will flood your brain for a moment.  That is normal and a good thing.  The voice in your head will be screaming at the top of its lungs.  It never does feel good to stand in front of a threshold, because it is right there that you can see everything that can go wrong.

You can paralyze yourself on the threshold, that is a special kind of agony.  Your own internal logic will try to keep you in places where it is safe and familiar.  You cannot apply logic to the unknown.  On the threshold you will spend a lot of time doing just that - applying logic to the unknown.  We all try to have the answers to anticipated questions.  A good answer will always come after the question is asked, not before. If you are trying to answer the question before it is asked, you are probably feeling the paralysis of spending too much time on the threshold. 

The fear only goes away when you cross the threshold.  Changing your role from observer to participant will always feel good.  It sounds strange, but being in the fight is infinitely more easy on a person than watching one from the safety of the threshold. 

Like in a working fire, there are multiple thresholds to cross.  In every meaningful endeavor you will find a ton of thresholds to cross.  The thing that will always take its toll on you is those lengthy pauses in front of all of those thresholds.

Change always sucks, it is a pain in the ass and almost always difficult but it is so worth it.   All of  the things that that were worth a damn in my life scared the living hell out of me for a while.

Love Dad

Its not (MINE/YOURS/HER/HIS) fault

My mom has had 2 extended hospital visits in the past 2 weeks.   In both cases she had confirmed heart attacks.  Emergency surgery was done both times to place stents to address blockages that were 85 - 95 %.  A total of 4 stents were placed.   She experienced a severe allergy during last surgery and spent a couple of days in ICU while doctors managed what was as much of a life threat as her heart attacks.  She is home and resting now.  There are other significant gastrointestinal problems that are being made worse by the significant stress she is under. 

We all know she is under a ridiculous amount of stress.  And on the surface it is easy to point to a couple of things.  I have two siblings (brother and sister) who live lifestyles that are full of dramatic problems around their relationships, homes, ex husbands/wives, children, and financial hardship.  Frequently, they call my mom to involve her in the current drama that is unfolding to bear witness, assist, or taken them on.  They borrow large amounts of money, threaten to remove themselves, their children, and their undying love if some condition is not met.  They come in and go like frequent, random tornado's.

My siblings are NOT the cause of my mom's stress, far from it.  My mom is the cause of her own stress. 

In FD terms the rescuer should never become the rescued (the victim) because he has failed to take all safety precautions for themselves their crew.   In my FD career I have watched a fire burn because overhead wires were down and power was not confirmed to be off.  I have also had to wait until power lines were confirmed off before starting a rescue of a car vs a power pole line.  What looks like indifference saved lives on those days.  Acting without careful consideration of the consequence is always dangerous.  When there is a fire burning, the need for everyone to act is compelling.  Compelling is just not enough, there has to be a reason to put it out and the risk to do so needs to be examined every time.  Remember you risk a lot, to get a lot.  Don't risk for the sake of ego or what other people think might be the right thing to do.  Don't risk a lot for nothing.

My mom has been putting out fires for years without any regard to whether they needed to burn or not.  She has flung her door open to every passing tornado and has dealt with the heartbreak of losing stuff and having important stuff broken.   There is an important life lesson here.  Love yourself first and foremost, you will find that this foundation lets you sort out quickly what is a real fire and a real tornado.  There are plenty of times when fires will burn and tornado's will pass by your closed door.  If too many things are emergencies, you will start to lose track of what is a real emergency and when that real emergency comes you get the hell pounded out of you.  My mom was so versed in putting at all fires and flinging open her door to all the passing tornado's that when the real one came she was unaware and unprepared.  It damn near killed her. 

And as much as I love you both, I always put my mask on first.  In all of your times of great need, I was wearing my own oxygen mask before attempting to assist you with yours.   Extend all of your loved ones, friends, and family the same courtesy.