Ying and Yang

We are flying out to see you this week.

There is a really interesting dynamic that happens between mom and I when these trips are planned. I have never been encumbered by the thought that I am not needed, wanted, or that my presence will not immediate shine light, happiness, and fix everything. Mom, on the other hand is much more introspective about these things. She always extends the courtesy of trying to understand what the need is and how the timing works for what is going on in your life. I have always had a deep appreciation for her doing this. It is a tremendous expression of faith in both of you and your ability to balance all the things that are going on in your life.

Ying and Yang translates into shadow and light. It is how seemingly opposite and contrary things are interdependent on each other and how they interact to make a greater whole. It is why if you talk to one of us more than another it will start to seem like giant pain in the ass. Without the contrast of light and shadow it is hard as hell to appreciate the depth of any one thing. Light and shadow give things their depth.

This is life lesson stuff. There are times when charging into the fray is the perfect thing to do. Making sure there is actual fray that needs to be charged into is an important life skill. Creating a fray (when there was not one prior to your arrival) is time consuming, hard on everyone, and depletes your key resources for no good reason.

Over the years your mom has given me a real appreciation for Ying and Yang. I am better at being able to see the depth of things that are outside of my immediate life experience. And as much as I love to charge headlong into the fray, I chose which ones to charge into instead of having them choose me.

Love Dad

I Built It

I cringe when I see all the signs of the political season.  The worst of these is "I built it".  The implication is that building something without the assistance of anyone else is the preferred way of doing things and the standard.  

Doing anything by yourself is never going to yield the results that working with someone else will.  Working alone will always make every task from the simple to complex harder than it needs to be.  All the tired old things you have heard forever about being part of team are very true.  If you look at any person you use as  a model for success behind them you will find a group of friends, family, and associates (team) that has helped move them along towards their goal.  Sir Edmund Hillary was the first man to touch the summit of Everest.  Behind him (literally steps) was Tenzing Norgay and a couple more steps behind an entire support team.  Sir Edmund did summit Everest alone.  There were legions of people who did small to negligible things for him that he accepted and as a consequence he was able to use his brain power towards the more critical aspects of his endeavor.  He would have not got any extra credit for hauling his own tent to base camp.

And so it is with everyone. Being able to accept help from the people that surround you is a strength not a weakness.  There are plenty of times in life that you are going to have traverse that last part of your journey on your own.  To have balanced everything around you so that you have the mental and physical strength to complete those last steps is what you need to shoot for.  So if you can take smaller stuff off of your plate, do it without apology and stay focused on the important things that really do require your angst and worry.

There is another important part of letting people help you, it lets them validate something important about who and what they are.  Like everything else in life, you have to understand this is not all about you.  It almost never is.  My dearest friend who has stage 4 bone cancer has a great grasp on this.  The small things we are able to do (and they are soo small compared to what he is going through) help us be a part of his journey.  It is not much different from the people that are trying to help you now.  In a small way they participate in your journey.

If you have every helped someone who needed it and they let you know they were genuinely grateful, nothing feels as good as that.  For me, it is my way of paying things forward, a way to say thanks for all of the amazing things in my life.   I still regret deeply that along the way I have pushed people away that wanted to and could have genuinely helped me along my journey.  It was one of those life skills I wish I would have learned a lot earlier in life.

Love Dad

Saying and Doing

With your birthdays happening in the next month, I always go back to the day you were both born.

As you both were delivered, I remember clearly when your face rotated towards mine and I saw you open your eyes for the first time and heard you cry.  It is at that moment, I understood that my life had irrevocably been changed.  When I looked down at your face, I felt like I was part of something much larger that I ever could have accomplished on my own.

You learn quickly that your children are not extensions of you, they are individuals.  It never ceased to amaze me how you both changed in ways that I did not anticipate or foresee.  As you grew older, I was really pleased that you managed to embrace all of the strong values that you were raised with and maintain your individuality.  Today I see more of you individually than I see anything that looks like mom or me. 

Until you have your own children (which should be YEARS away from now - these years are for your to chase your own dreams) you will not be able to fully appreciate the depth you have added to our lives.

So when it comes to you both, I have always looked more critically at what people do and what people say to you.  When what people say does not really align with the things they do, I treat them with a high degree of caution.  It is not hard when you like someone to try to make what they say and do align more than they actually do.  When saying and doing do not sound the same, treat that person with a high degree of caution.  It has been my experience that these people will continue to broaden the gap between saying and doing, not close it. 

Always invest in the people who do what they say and say what they do.   And do not lose sleep over the people you end up treating with a lot of caution.  You will learn more and more to trust your instincts.  If it smells like dog shit, looks like dog shit, or has a sign that says "Caution Dog Shit", you do not have to taste it to confirm that.

Also to the young man in Nazareth - well done.   She is one of the reasons I get up in the morning.

Inside Out

Life Lesson Here

We met a group of people for dinner at one of those patio restaurants where you sit outside and listen to music.  A huge place. 

It is loud and hard to hear and I am looking at mom who looks drop dead good looking in this blue shirt I have never seen her wear before.  About 30 minutes into dinner, I see the tag on the seam of her blue shirt outside of shirt at the waist.   I lean over and tell her that the shirt is inside out and pull gently on the white tag.

She looks down and without skipping a beat laughs and starts to eat french fries off of my plate.  It just did not matter to her, not a bit.  We walked around the patio listened to music for a while and left.   I swear after she laughed and smiled that frigging tag melted away.  She did not for a minute let it get in the way of her evening and if you looked at her all you saw was a damn good looking woman in a blue top.

Most people would have turned it right side out, done something with the tag, or would have spent some time worrying about what people would have thought.   You have to admire that perspective.  There was no way a 1 inch white square tag was going to loom larger than than where and who she was with at that exact moment. 

A lot of things are like that.   We are all quick to let that inside out shirt wreck our night, bruise our ego, or be the harbinger of a bad day/night.  One square inch of white tag can kill an evening an should never be allowed to do so.  So next time you find your literal or figurative tag on the outside instead of the inside follow the example of your mom the Zen master and let a 1 inch square be a scrap of cloth and nothing else.

Love Dad 

Beyond Measure

I read this almost every day, I am not sure if it is a poem or not.  When I first heard it I was struck by it.  The author is Marianne Wilson.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure,
It is our light,  not our darkness that most frightens,
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won’t feel insecure around you,
We are all meant to shine as children do,
It is not just in some of us, its in everyone,
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give others permission to do the same,
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others,

There is also a you tube video at  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STp1UtMrKR4&noredirect=1 

Love Dad

Chris

Chris will start chemotherapy a week after we get back from our Motorcycle trip in early August.  This week he is getting another bone scan to determine how extensive the cancer is. 

Chris is worried about being treated differently now and worries he will get deferential treatment.   I told him he was a dumb ass.   Getting the best seat, the shady spot, the first cold beer, gives us all the illusion that we are doing something for him in his time of need.  I told him to accept these gestures with quiet grace and appreciate that his close friends are attempting to help in the only way they really can.   We all realize that we cannot carry this weight for him.  But by being there, we will lighten the weigh he has to carry periodically. 

So a couple of things for you here.

There are times you have to carry weight and there are times when you elect to carry weight.   In both cases you will always have to bear the weight by yourself.  Not even the best meaning, well intentioned people who love you will understand how heavy that weight is.  BUT, allowing them to reach out to you, to accept the small graces they can offer can most certainly lighten the load from time to time.  The weight will always be heavier if you elect to carry it without allowing other people to attempt to help.  Never make it heavier than it has to be and if you can let someone lighten your load and theirs.

Always assume things are bigger than you.  Having this perspective will always allow you to excel in the toughest of circumstances.

Never underestimate the power of saying your prayers.  Get in the habit of asking for the wisdom to see the already considerable gifts that have already been given to you.

Love Dad

Here and There

I can remember when I loaded up my 61 Plymouth Valiant and headed West to become a Professional Rodeo Cowboy.  For me, chasing my dreams meant actually getting in a car and going to a place that was far away from home. 

Far away from home, friends, and family it was a tough time.  I thought it was tough because it was a right of passage.  It took me a couple of years to figure out that a dream was not in a physical place, it was in me.  So where ever I was I took the dream with me.  Sounds simple, but for me I equated a physical distance with a journey.   They are not the same thing at all.

I went back to Colorado, convinced that I was a failure for coming back.  Nothing was further from the truth.  Even by the measure of 30 years ago, it made sense to everyone that I was coming back to the place where are my resources were. 

And I used those resources.

Life in my absence had continued to move forward for everyone.   Hindsight being 20/20, I wish I had not confused going on a journey with a physical distance.  By the way my journey continues in Colorado today.  I also realize that if needed I could continue pursing it in another city or state.  I am good where ever I go.  I take my journey and dreams with me where ever I go..

Never confuse physical distance with a journey.  They are never the same thing.

One of the great strengths you can possess, it knowing you are just as great in one place as another.  The things that make you outstanding (and there are a lot of them) are not in a physical location, they are in you.

We will always leave the porch light on for you.

Love Dad