New Years Resolution

Every year, I have a list of new years resolutions.  Writing them down is a pain in the ass.  When written, they go from an abstract good idea to a measurable thing that becomes one of the yardsticks for the upcoming year. 

People have mixed reactions about making new years resolutions.   A lot of people have goals that they want to quietly pursue.  They do not see the need to put extra pressure on themselves or be reminded of the things that they failed to accomplish.  The added stress of documented goals creates a level of stress that impacts their ability to achieve them.  Basically a goal that you don't write down or tell anyone about is not a failed goal, if no one knows about it.

To all of those people, I say with the deepest humility and sincerity. - bullshit.

While it is true, it is extra weight for the year, another yardstick to measure yourself with and (at least for me) I always have one or two resolutions that just don't happen for any number of reasons.  It is a huge but a necessary pain in the ass to write them down.

What you achieve is directly related to your level of commitment.  You have to write it down, say it out loud, and be able to look at it for it to be real.   Here are my resolutions for the year.

Resolution 1 - I want to lose 30lbs by my birthday in June.  That is five pounds a month.  Saying I want to lose weight and get in shape is way to vague.  Five pounds a month. 

Every year is like that freshman year, you owe it to yourself to reach past what you are comfortable with.  If you are lucky you will have a lot of freshman years in your life.  New baselines in school, new jobs, new relationships.  Your commitment to these things always shows up.  Always reach past the things that you are comfortable with.

Resolution #2 - I want to complete the Field Instruction Paramedic Process for the new FD.  For me this is my freshman year.

Look back at the things that you value in yourself and in the people close to you.  These people and things will reach out to you and help you when you need it the most.

Resolution #3. - I am going to set aside 30 minutes a day to reach out to my family and friends for things that do not have anything to do with the things I am trying to accomplish.   I am going to try to keep the idea fresh that it is not all about me.

Resolution  #4 - I want to learn how to play the guitar and do at least 3 cheesy magic tricks.  As much as I want to accomplish, I don't want to take take myself so seriously that ignore a simple joy or two.  The only criteria I have is that these couple of things serve no real purpose.

Resolution #5 - I want to see the ocean this year with mom.  I want to plan a Griswald family type trip.

Resolution #6 - I want to commit to send you at least 3 blogs a week, whether you need them or not.

I hope you can always appreciate the new year and all the promise that it brings.

I am so happy to have you guys home for a couple of more days.
Love Dad

Last Push

The BEST KICK ASS poem ever.   

TODAY thank God for you unconquerable soul.  

Say this OUT LOUD - I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY FATE AND THE MASTER OF MY SOUL.

And have the ass the never, ever stays kicked. - "Bloody but unbowed".

Kick Ass this week - and enjoy doing it.   These times that try you are the very best of times  - there are a ton of people this week that will not get to display their character.  Enjoy every battle - there never seems to be enough of them.  In 4 short days it will be over.
 
I have included INVICTUS in its entirety.


Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever God may be,
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not cried nor winced aloud,
Under the bludgeoning of chance,
My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the captain of my fate,
I am the master of my soul.

William Earnest Henley, 1875

Thresholds

When you first pull up in an engine on a structure fire your mind is going a hundred miles an hour.  Despite all of your training, despite all of your motivation, when you find yourself advancing a hoseline into a building there is a real moment of fear. 

From experience, you know that when you finally step over the threshold and start working your training and experience kick in and that fear that for a moment that seemed unmanageable becomes manageable.

Time, distance, and experience will help you understand how normal it is to feel that fear.  It is not only normal to feel that way but desired.  Fear is a good thing, it is all of your senses working in concert to help you achieve the best possible outcome.

Being fearless is never the goal.  Fearless people in any endeavor are really scary.  They either cannot fully process all of the risks or chose to ignore them.  I don't admire fearlessness, it makes me cringe.  It is like watching someone run across 6 lanes of traffic. 

So stepping over the threshold is something I understand and it is a skill I use a lot.  There are a lot of things that will not kill me that scare the crap out of me.  Like my hero -Virgil I Grissom, I accept that that I will feel that fear and let it go at that.  I know that walking up to step over the threshold is a lot less scary than looking at that threshold from a distance. 

And now you are both have all those thresholds to step over.  They will always be scary.  Every time you experience this, you begin to recognize the pattern.  You will also start to understand how much easier to cross those thresholds rather than to observe them from afar.  If you look at a threshold too long it can be debilitating.  The ones that you do not cross (and should) will take on a life of their own.

Remember the goal is never to be fearless.  The goal is to cross over them and gain the experience of doing so.  You are not supposed to know this stuff...you are supposed to be finding out about it.  There is real joy in doing this. Never forget to enjoy being a participant instead of an observer. 

And in four short days you will be home.  No thresholds there, just rest for your pumpkin heads. 

Love Dad

Figured Out

You are not supposed to have everything figured out.

Treat the people who tell you they all have it all figured out with a healthy degree of skepticism.

Life is about recognizing the possibilities and potential in the new people, places and things that present themselves to you. You will have great loves and passions all through your life. They do not appear all at once or on your specific schedule.

The mistake a lot of people make is they stand and wait for those loves and passions to find them. It just does not work that way. Finding them, like everything else, is a lot of work. You find the great passions and loves of your life by opening new doors, meeting new people, and educating yourself.

Completing your education is only the first part of the preparation. This is one of those things you will work at your entire life.

So if you are making your head hurt because you have not got it all figured out...stop it. If you are worried because you don't know exactly what you want to do for a living...stop it. The biggest part of your education now is learning how to open those new doors, meet those new people and recognizing the possibilities and potential in all the new stuff you are experiencing.

Although it is a lot of work, there is absolutely no reason you cannot and should not enjoy the search.

The best part of riding the roller coaster is hurtling down the track and having your stomach in your throat.

Enjoy the ride.


Love Dad

Say Grace Again

We were at the Christmas Parade of Lights in Denver on Friday.  We were running a little late and we were supposed to meet another couple down there.

I am looking for a place to park and we settle on one of those parking lots close to downtown.  It is one of those places where you park and then you go to this ATM looking thing and pay 10 bucks to park for the night.  It is a beautiful night - 52 degrees and no wind, perfect night for the parade.

We go to pay and there is a line of about 20 people waiting to buy tickets and hustle down to the parade.  At the head of the line is a young Hispanic couple with a young kid and they are struggling with the ticket machine.  They are trying to feed a 10 bill in the machine and it keeps spitting it out.  Everyone in line is starting to grumble and look at watches.   The couple is starting to feel the bad vibe and they are trying harder to get the machine to take the 10 dollar bill.

You mom asks me for my wallet and walks past 20 grumbling people and asks them if she can try her credit card and they can give her the 10 bucks.  Everyone there (including me) is wondering why we did not do what mom did.  Mom has trouble with the card and all of the sudden everyone wants to help.  People start talking to each other, someone calls the number on the box and everyone gets to the parade on time.

Out of that entire group of people (me included) the only person that acted like a human being and extended a young couple a hand was your mom.  One person's grace changed a grumbling group of 20 people into human beings again.  The rest of us where just hell bent to get there on time.

Never underestimate  the power and elegance of  a simple act of courtesy.

Your mom does not think twice about this kind of stuff.  When you see her next, hug her long and hard.  The grace that you both have is no accident...

Love Dad

Say Grace

Always find time to find a bit of grace and beauty in each and every day.

Never make the mistake of assuming you are too busy, overwhelmed, or late to do this.  When you find these bits of grace and beauty they also find you.


Love Dad

Toxic Relationships

I have known this kid for all his life.  I have known his mom & dad for 23 + years.  You know him so mentioning his name is not needed. 

He is in a kind of hell now that no one ever expects to be in.  Certainly not him or his parents.  He was raised in a loving close knit home, he was the oldest of 2 boys.  In our own family photo's you will see him, his brothers and parents all over the place.  His parents created an environment that kids flourish in.  It was a home filled with laughter, joy, and with parents who were very engaged in their son's lives.

He was well liked and a good student.  He worked at a fast food place during school.  At the end of high school he decided to join the Navy. 

You receive all kinds information about drugs and alcohol and not so much about toxic relationships.  Toxic relationships can drive you into the ground as fast as alcohol and drugs.  They produce a lot of the same byproducts.  People find themselves in legal and financial trouble.  Maintaining relationships with family and friends becomes strained and you can be increasing isolated.

This great kid ended up in a very toxic relationship.  The speed that this happened to him was not anything that anyone saw coming. 

He had to leave the military prior to his commitment being completed.  He has went through the legal system in the state that he was residing in. There are things that will have to explain on resume's and applications for at least a decade.  He married his girlfriend who after a couple of pregnancy scares turned out to really be pregnant.  He lives with his parents with his new wife and child and is starting to look for work.  He is only a couple of years older than you guys, not even 25 yet.  This kid will end up getting past this with the help of parents who love him a great deal.  But by any measure, he has a very, very, tough uphill battle ahead of him.

You end up in a toxic relationship because you ignore a lot of warming signs.  Here are some of those warning signs.  Take this to heart and use them for a gauge when you find yourself in any kind of a committed relationship.

1. You have to be careful what you say or do because you are worried about the response you are going to get from the person you are with.  This is a BIG red flag.  When you stop being yourself to placate another person they are manipulating you, plain and simple.  If they don't care for who you are in your unguarded moments, they like the idea of you, but may not care for you at all.

2. Drama - People who feel they are not getting the amount of attention they need from you will create escalating events until they believe you are giving them the right amount of attention.  Crying wolf works, most normal people will respond dramatic plea's for help.  You will find that people having dramatic events to pull you in will refuse the help of more competent professionals.  They need YOU and ONLY YOU.  **Remember, if you are not professionally trained to rescue people, don't.  Ultimately you will have to be rescued yourself after you have made a bad situation worse**.

3. We are all afraid to admit that we have made mistakes in our relationships.  We believe it is a reflection of ourselves and when that person we were hanging out turns out to be a real turd it is embarrassing.  I met your mom when I was about 27.  Prior to that I did my share of turd farming.  A mistake only becomes a lifestyle choice when you are too proud to admit you made a mistake and walk away.  You can dress it up, explain it away, and try to change it but a turd is still a turd.  Carrying it for a long time does not make it less of a turd.

4. You are waiting for it to get better.  A good relationship is a dynamic thing but it is ALWAYS based on mutual respect and consideration.  If you don't have that up front, it does not materialize later.  Lying is a BIG red flag.  You just don't lie to people that you respect.  If they don't respect you, you are filling a need for them that has little to do with a healthy relationship.

5. No one thing, big or small can fix a bad relationship.  If your excuse for not leaving is that (fill in the blank) is great, then you should run not walk to the nearest exit.

6. Last but not least be comfortable with being alone.  No one will ever have a good relationship with you until you have one with yourself. 

As great as this kid is, there were a ton of red flags that were ignored. Don't ignore red flags.  This is not a graded scale, if any one of these things exist, it is a BIG RED FLAG


Love Dad

Sincere Belief

Here is another bit of Dad wisdom that I want you both to keep.  I found an article in Men's Health that really explains the strong,  unwavering sincere belief both mom and I have in you. 

It explains it really well.  It is not magic, not a blind wish or hope for the best outcome by a parent or a loved one.  It is really a strong sincere belief in the best outcome happening because of who you are and the work you put into things.  By now, you both have had much more success than a lot of your peers and need to understand there is a belief that you have in yourselves that drives this success.

I predict it (so does your mom by the way, as enthusiastically as me but with grace and modesty) because we have sincere belief.  If you start to recognize the pattern of your success you are going to be stunned by how much success you have.

Sincere belief does not mean you will not step in shit, meet crappy people, have people take occasional advantage.  It sure does not exempt you from the face plant that you will do from time to time in pursuit of a desired goal.   It does mean that doing that will give you more in depth appreciation for the great people and experiences that are in front of you.

THIS IS EXCERPT FROM MH ARTICLE.


HERE'S A USEFUL EXERCISE: NAME SOME successful cynics. You can't. Look at some of the most successful people in the past 10 years: Steve Jobs, Barrack Obama, the Google guys. They're not too cynical. George Clooney, Bono, Pixar's central creative team. They're about as genuine about their lives and work as you can get. Love him or hate him, George W. Bush is no cynic. Cynics don't become presidents of the United States. They don't become top CEOs, entrepreneurs, or researchers either.

Cynics are brambles, quicksand, and snot. They ply their drug one-on-one: Come on, let's sit here and be cynical together. It feels good to stay angry, to stay in one place forever. They specialize in what a friend of mine calls "the bitch spiral," which occurs when like-minded people get together and complain with such intensity that every slight against them becomes a gigantic conspiracy. They attack the successful under the banner of hypocrisy and injustice: "The Yankees' payroll is ruining baseball!" "The Goldman Sachs bonus system is ruining society!" "My boss is ruining my life!"

Here's the thing: Whatever you do, elite performance (which is the delivery vehicle for success) requires a sincere belief -- in the cause, of course, but also in your own ability and the very system in which your performance happens. Cynicism cannot exist in the same space as sincere belief. Cynicism is not disbelief, but unbelief, a refusal.

That's why cynicism is so dangerous to the average guy. If you lose that sincere belief -- at your job, in your relationship, as a son or sibling or parent, anywhere -- you're worthless, no matter how talented you are.

AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING TOO EARNEST, let me say this: Cynicism is caused by broken hearts. Sincere belief in a company, a group, a system, or another person forces you to put something real on the line, something with deep tethers to your emotional core. If you offer that up, and you fail -- or others fail you -- your heart shatters.

Then the choice emerges. Either you fall into a fresh bitch spiral, or you do the most difficult thing any man can do: Believe once again. That means moving forward through the things that broke your heart in the first place: hypocrisy, injustice, venality. A few of the men I've spent time with for Men's Health stand out in this regard.

Derek Jeter: I'm sitting in my living room during the World Series last November, a devoted Phillies fan watching Jeter use his bat to pound nails into my beloved team's coffin. I knew the Phils were doomed, because I've been in Jeter's living room. He told me, while lounging in his easy chair, that being clutch simply means believing -- that because you've been successful in the same situation before, you will be successful again. That magnificent bastard, who works under the most cynical media microscope in sports, always believes he will get the hit. Does he always? Of course not. But his belief never wavers, and it's contagious. And I think, Why does it take the rest of us -- not to mention Cole Hamels -- so long to figure this stuff out?

Jason Kamras: This former Washington, D.C., middle-school math teacher was named 2005 National Teacher of the Year. His case really defines sincere belief for me; after all, who's riper for cynicism than a teacher? "Do I leap out of bed every morning with utter excitement? No. But I do get up every morning with a sense of purpose and passion," he told me. "If you're not doing that, then be honest with yourself. At some point we have to stop and say, 'Look, I really want to be passionate.' I don't think I've ever said, 'Gosh, it's terrible that I can't buy this beautiful house I want.' "

The businessmen: I've interviewed dozens of CEOs and other top bosses. Netflix's Reed Hastings, who has rendered Blockbuster impotent. Blake Mycoskie of Toms Shoes, who donates a pair of shoes to needy kids for every pair he sells. Jim Koch, who quit a six-figure job to brew Samuel Adams beer. These men's big ideas were met with skepticism. Each man blossomed through sincere belief.

Chuck Palahniuk: "As a writer, I felt compelled to toe the publishing line until I realized I was flushing away all my free time. I was starting to really hate writing," he told me. "It looked like just another f--king job where I was trying to please some boss. There had to be a way for writing to be fun." So he wrote Fight Club.

I've sat down with many others -- LeBron James, David Beckham, Jamie Foxx, Anderson Cooper, Aaron Eckhart, and dozens like them -- and the theme runs through the conversations like a power line. One of the great summations of their collective approach came from the actor Mark Wahlberg: "All I can do is try to point out the obvious," he told me. "If you're motivated and doing the right thing, good things are going to happen."

CYNICS HAVE AN OLD CLICHE FOR WHAT I'M talking about: drinking the Kool-Aid. Well, this particular flavor is low in sugar and high in nutrition. Sure, you can abstain out of pride, anger, fear, or insecurity. This Kool-Aid is no guarantee, after all. You can still take the wrong roads, monumentally screw up, or just plain fail with your best effort. Abandoning cynicism is just a tool.

But recently, I have chosen to drink the Kool-Aid. Trust me, it's not easy to swallow. My favorite sport is scoffing. I fight the bitterness in me every single day the way an alcoholic fights the minute-to-minute urge to chug. And yet I rely on this catalog of past encounters with successful men to keep myself oriented. I'm not saying "think positively" or "be optimistic" or some other self-help nonsense. I'm not saying I have a sincere belief in myself or my talents or the American Dream. I'm saying I have a sincere belief in sincere belief. I've seen it work too many times for it to be coincidence. Cynics are fakers. But to keep pushing yourself in the face of failure, that's real.

You Pick

You get to pick how you are defined.

This is as straight forward and as simple as it gets and it is the hardest thing to do for yourself.  Most people are not wired that way, we are driven by conventional wisdom that we learn when we enroll, join, or participate in organized groups of people.  Conventional wisdom demands an full accounting for a failing to meet a goal or expectation.  Driven people are the worst.  Failures demand a pound of flesh (even if it is their own).

We all try to examine and dissect these failures at a level of detail that is not needed or warranted.  Most often the simplest explanation is the right one - Occam's razor.  People tend to not be satisfied with simple answers and will carry complex examinations of failures around for an indeterminate amount of time.  We love to carry our crosses.

You get to pick how you are defined -the good-the bad-the ugly.

In late October of this year, I failed to complete a physical agility test in the prescribed time for a FD that I was testing with.   I was so sure I was going to complete it that I arranged a victory breakfast with my family.  Failure, a big one and I found myself doing what I should not be doing.  I examined every aspect of what was to me a massive failure.  I was heartbroken and intended to punish myself.  I had constructed a massive cross which I was intending to carry around.  The simple truth is that I had a significant injury to my knee that I did not take care of.  I went to the doctor, took care of it and within 2 weeks passed a more stringent physical agility test.  Occam's razor, no magic. 

I get to define myself here.  It is a great story of guts and perseverance.  It is a definition that people readily accept because I believe it and it is the simple truth. 

So, go back this year and find what you think are your epic failures.  There is a simple, straight forward explanation for them.  There is also a complex, detailed examination for them and a heavy cross to bear.  Note: You can carry multiple crosses at one time.  Make sure you ask yourself how epic your failure was.  Rough rule of thumb is that if it is not defined as breaking the law in a municipal, state, federal jurisdiction, it may not be as bad as you think.

The beauty of it is that you can choose here.  Accept the simple explanation and leave your heavy cross at the door.   Take that epic failure and make a specific decision on how it is going to define you. 

You get to pick how you are defined. 

I will repost sincere belief...it goes hand in hand here.

Love Dad

Experts

My friend called me this weekend.  She and her husband are contemplating divorce due to a set of really tough circumstances.

I did not become an expert in relationships, divorce, or any of the circumstances by virtue of her telling me about it.  I don't feel compelled to dial up any of our mutual friends and tell them before she does.  I regret that she is in so much pain right now.

I know that some frigging idiot that she tells is going to do a hack job on her.  That someone is most likely going to be someone who has never been through what she is going through now.  That person is going to tell other people who do not know her well.  And invariably one of those persons who do not know her well will say something so stupid and not realize it.  She will feel worse because of the stupid things people who do not know her well will say. 

My public service announcement - if you know who someone who has done this don't hesitate to tell them they are assholes.   Please feel free to send them this post, because despite their intentions they are assholes.

You are an asshole if:

You assume that you are a quasi expert because you have read about, heard about, or were told about a certain subject or topic.  You are not, and the people listening to you know that you aren't - they think you are an asshole.

You do not respect that a person talked to you in confidence.  This is not the exclusive domain of close friends, this is the normal bit of consideration that you extend another human being.  People love to hear this stuff and while they won't stop you from telling them, they think you are an asshole for doing it and will keep you at arms length.

You feel compelled to announce the situation, circumstance, or your expert advice to anyone not directly involved.  Information is power and you are trying to be powerful at the expense of someone who trusted you.  Everyone who hears you believes firmly you are a jerk and an asshole.

I hope when this happens to my friend that she will let it go and move on.  When people do messed up things, it is about them and not you.  Be careful that you don't get hung up when this happens to you.  The old school rules apply here.  Be the stand up person, stand up straight and move on, head up.

These things are have a very short shelf life.  It is a bit of poetic justice that people tend to remember who the asshole was and very little about the circumstances around the issues that made them assholes.  And it always works that you get what you give...please see the Karma post.

Love Dad

Stronger

You have heard that saying "what does not kill you will make you stronger"? 

Well I am here to tell you that is complete load of shit.  If you survived an ass kicking with no real knowledge of how to navigate around the next one or avoid it altogether, you just have not done much at all.   A lot of people confuse having a hard head with strength.  I can attest to the fact that a hard head does not make you stronger.

We all endure those gut wrenching periods of confusion, self doubt, and stress.  When this happens (and it happens to all of us) the goal should NEVER be to just endure those times.  The goal is to learn to recognize them and learn how to navigate them better EACH TIME.  You have survived these times before, learn to recognize them and how you successfully navigated them.

You are learning what all very successful people learn.  You have challenged yourself and have high expectations of yourself.  That will always come with a price of sorts.  You will have those periods of doubt and stress more frequently than those that do not.   The upside is that you will always achieve a great deal more personally and professionally than people who do not. 

Learn that the doubt and stress, while very normal (it really is) is generally self imposed.  We are our own hardest critics.  Learning to forgive yourself and let some things go really goes a long way towards shortening those times of stress and doubt.  You will find that almost always you are the last person to forgive yourself and let things that people have long forgotten go.  Try to remember the last epic fail from any one of your friends..it just does not seem like much now.

I will tell you with a great deal of pride that you are light years ahead of where your mom and I were at your age.  You always manage to impress the hell out of me.

The things that have made me stronger never did come close to killing me.  The things that came close to killing me never made me stronger,  

Love Dad

Compliments

You need to be able to accept a simple compliment and celebrate those wins that are decidedly less than epic.  This is one a TOP TEN life skill..

This is the one thing that most everyone is really crappy at.  Most times you are thinking about the things that you need to do, not the things you have done.  

Someone this week has tried to tell you what a good job you have done and most likely you said something like "yea but...".  You deserve a punch in the neck for saying "yea butt..." and not taking the time to momentarily enjoy a compliment someone has paid you.  Yea but...is you shutting that person down for no real good reason.  It is hard enough for people to give genuine compliments, you owe it to them and yourself to listen.

DO NOT try to minimize what they are telling you.  LISTEN to what they are saying and don't talk over or around them.

The most elegant, old school thing to do is to look a person in the eye and say "THANK YOU, I have been working hard on (fill in the blank), I appreciate you noticing.  How good would it feel for someone to do that when you gave them a compliment?  Hmmmmm

Celebrating a small win, is nothing more than taking a minute to acknowledge to yourself that you accomplished a small goal in the pursuit of a larger one.  Give yourself a pat on the back and let someone else do that.  Treat yourself to a pop tart or a McRib and then move on.

These skills are like the other worthwhile ones, you have to practice them to be good at doing it.  Old School Rules...look them in the eye, say thanks I have been working hard on that.  Celebrate for a short minute or two and then move on.  Both of you knuckleheads should have had at least a couple of pop tarts or McRibs this week.

That old  school rule...it applies to your mom and me also.  YES YOU ARE WELCOME!

Love Dad

Apologies

Apologies should be brief, on topic, and sincere.

There are a lot of apologies that are not apologies at all.  Here is a brief but concise list of the things that don't qualify as apologies.  If you recognize anyone, please direct them to this posting.  If you have been pointed to this posting, I sincerely hope you can recognize yourself and stop being such a dick.

If you say you are sorry for (fill in the blank) and in the same breath attempt to explain anything connected with your apology - It is not an apology, you are not sorry at all - you are still stating your case.

If it is not an apology for 100% of the incident or circumstance - It is not an apology  - it is incredibly weak excuse.

If you say that something good came out of (fill in the blank) - It is not an apology, is a half assed explanation.

You need to clearly understand the difference between an apology and an excuse.  If you apologize and then try to make an excuse for yourself - It is not an apology.

If you are not sorry, don't apologize.

If you apologize to placate anyone, you are not doing anything right for that person or yourself.

If you apologize and keep doing the same thing over and over again - It is not an apology, it is a self centered crappy explanation for being an asshole.

You cannot (and should not) apologize for anyone but yourself.

If you are going to apologize:

• Don't apologize until you have a full understand of what and why you are apologizing
• Apologize for what you have done and keep it to that.
• When you apologize - make sure you mean it.

If someone has apologized to you on a repeated basis please forward link to blog to them or cut and paste this posting to them. 

As a public service please remind these guys they are self centered dicks because of those self serving half assed apologies.  Those kind of apologies are way worst than saying nothing at all.

Love Dad

Square Wheels

Your mom has always has that remarkable patience and grace.  I think the reason we make such a good couple is that in this regard I am almost the opposite of her.  I tend to be impatient with myself and instead of grace I tend to try to push through things.  If your mom is elegance, I am brute force.

The sincere hope is that you are able to strike the balance between both of these attributes.  I  keep learning that being tenacious alone is never enough.  When you can balance tenacity with patience and grace, you will get far more done.   What follows is my INVICTUS installment for this month and what I hope is an illustration of what I am trying to say.

No matter what always retain the ability to laugh at yourself.  Humor is like aspirin, it takes away that pounding pain in your head.

After careful consideration, I made the decision to retire from the FD that I have spent my entire career at to move to another FD.  A lot of this has to do with my decision to focus on paramedic skills.  When you move from one FD to another the process involves a series of written tests, and interviews.  A big part of the process is the physical agility tests. 


Prior to the physical agility test for new FD, I injured my knee at the gym.  I have no patience for myself.  I kept working out hard to work through it.  By the time the test rolls around, I am in agony.  It is a timed test and physically demanding.  I miss the completion time by 15 seconds and I am bounced from the process.  I am floored, just crushed..this is stuff I can do in my sleep.  I want to crawl in a hole an die.

I have another FD call me to go through their process, including physical agility.  I go to the doctor 3 times. follow instructions, get the right physical therapy.  Start to watch what I am eating and with rest, I really start to feel great.  Your mom of course tried to get me to do this before the 1st testing process but I thought I could bull my way through it. 

Today, I went through a more demanding physical agility test and passed with flying colors.  I am starting with a new FD next week. 

Tenacity alone is just not enough.  When I try to power through things I am like this big race car with this huge engine and square frigging wheels.  You can give it all the gas you want and run the hell out of the engine.  Those square wheels are going to make progress real slow. 

Don't be a race car with square friggin wheels. 

Opinions

Opinions are not like assholes.

You should never limit yourself to a single opinion that fits everything.

Your opinions should never be so rigid that they cannot be swayed  by overwhelming evidence that is fact based and not anecdotal.  Your opinions are supposed to change as you gain more life experience.

Your ability to lead and influence people has a great deal to do with your ability to carefully listen and consider their opinions.  This is especially true when the opinions differ from your own.

The opinions of people who disagree with you do not make them assholes.  You are an asshole if you feel compelled to impose your opinion on anyone at the expense of their emotional or physical well being.

Having an opinion that is well researched and thoughtful should always be the goal.  Opinions that are not well researched and thoughtful should be given the appropriate weight in any discussion.

Expressing your opinions in a loud, emphatic, or forceful way does not make them better.

On the other hand, you are only going to have one asshole and it is going to be in the same location -  unless it is relocated due to medical necessity.  And like an opinion, an asshole should never be the first thing that a person see's in you.

Love Dad









 


 

 

Overdue

Mom is on an overdue vacation with her brother.  They are just a couple of years apart and now both in their 50's.  From the stories that she tells, they were close when they were kids.  If you catch them in a moment when they are alone you they stop looking like they are in their 50's and look more like they must have back in the day.

There is a special kind of refuge that you have in a sibling or a very close friend.  They can reach into your lives where other people can't.  As life gets more complex, you gain a real appreciation for the people in your life that can do that.

Life for you both is going to get increasingly busy.  That is not a bad thing, it is supposed to happen that way.  You will always expect more trust and patience out of the people that are closest to you.  That sometimes means that they are the last people in line for your time.

So you realize you do not have to wait until you are 50 to take an overdue vacation with your brother/sister don't you?  A vacation does not have to be those 2 week extravaganza's.  Some of the best extravaganza's I have ever been on have been those overnight adventures.

The last best memories do not have to be years old....they should be a recent as you can make them.

Love Dad

Book Covers

I got my haircut today at an upscale place that caters to men who care a lot more about their hair than I do.  I got a really bad haircut.  I am always surprised when I get a really bad haircut because my cut is not very complex.  Short on the sides and not buzzed on top. 

I am used to my regular barber.  She is 65, opinionated, some days bad tempered and always profane.  She can cut my hair perfect each time.  She has the shape of a potbellied man and has a persistent smokers cough.  I did not have a barber today, I had a hairstylist with big fake boobs who was in her mid 40's and was wearing a lot of bedazzeled stuff.   

I should have run out of the room.  I should have listened to the little voice in my head that was screaming to not let her touch my head.

After she gives me a really bad haircut, she asks me if I want some product in my hair.  Men my age should only have oil in their hair when they are under a car or drop a can of oil on their head.  I am looking at myself in the mirror wondering what the hell she was thinking when she was cutting my hair and she asks me if she can give me a massage.  I could only shake my head, no I did not need a massage, I need a extra large paper bag.

My haircut would be funny as hell if it was not me.  You should never judge a book by its cover.  BUT you should be aware of the section of the bookstore that you are browsing in. 

Learn to listen to that little voice in your head that is screaming at the top of its lungs.

Love Dad

Doors

There are doors that you close tight, doors that you leave ajar, and doors that you leave wide open. 

Easy stuff first.  I have an amazing circle of family and friends in my life.  For me, these people are the definitive measure of my success.  These are the doors that are wide open, they are never closed.  I expect and want these people to walk through my door any time of the day or night.   I walk through their doors on a frequent basis. Open doors

Similarly there are people who have been a part of my life that are not in my life today for really good reasons.  Everyone makes the same mistake when it comes to these people.  We believe that these people define who we are and the longer they were in our lives the more we get convinced of this.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  These are the kind of people that help you reconcile who you are. And for that you can (and should) appreciate them  - behind a door that is firmly and forever closed.

The crappiest people who have ever crossed my path helped me reconcile who I am.  I hope you never think you have to make an apology for seeing something in someone that in the end just was not there.  I hope you when you realize that is is not there, you can shut the door and move on without thinking you need to defend the time you spent with them.  It is just as important for them to move on and close the door also.  Closed doors

The doors that are ajar, well those are the people that you think are going to end up in that close circle of dear friends.  Those kind of friends show up when you least expect them.  If you have to sort through a whole bucket of assholes to find one of those dear friends it is worth it.  Just remember, don't spend a lot of time sorting assholes, it delays finding that friend you are looking for.

Looking forward to having you guys home for Thanksgiving...

Love Dad.
.

If you don't ask

If you don't ask, the answer is always NO.  Those pain in the ass things rarely spontaneously stop on their own.  There is an large group of people out there that subtlety is lost on.  There are people whom you have to look in the eye and be specific about what you want them to stop doing.

No one really likes to ask for things that you believe that you should not have to ask for.  This is especially true when it comes to the common courtesy people should extend to each other.  In your dorm and roommate situations this is especially true.  So I have compiled a list for you, flag this posting to those people who need it.

Here is my list of things that you should not have to ask people to do.

-Don't fight with your friend, significant other, casual acquaintance or relatives when I am in a place where I am going to be forced to listen. This is also true for those grab ass sessions you have with your current significant other.  I am not alone in not wanting to hear this.  Most people like me really don't want to be mean and will tolerate much more than we should.  Don't take our silence as a green light for you to continue.  I am going to ask you to cut it out and I promise it is going to come out wrong and strain our living arrangement.

-Be respectful of my physical space.  When you put your stuff in the place where I put my clothes, books, and my personal things it really pisses me off.  It should not piss me off that much but it does.  It tells me that you don't respect a fundamental need that we all have - our own corner of the world.  It is a corner of the world that I am also paying for.

-Be respectful of my personal space and time.  Don't assume for a minute that your crisis can preempt what I had scheduled for this day, hour, or minute.  If you don't recall the last time I had a crisis, maybe it is a good time to ask.

-If you borrow money, pay it back without having to be asked.  I am not subsidized, so when I give you money it is money I had earmarked for something else.

This is like one of those magazine quizes that I hate.  If you see yourself in one or more of these categories you need to cut it out.  If you see someone you know in these categories, post this to them and don't wait for them to have an amazing change of heart.  Tell them to cut it out.

If you break any of these rules, an apology or gesture of contrition goes a very long way.  A simple apology can be elegant. 

Remember, if you don't ask or bring it up.  The answer is always no. 

.

Love Dad

Lost Keys

I had an appointment in Denver this past week.  I lay out everything I think I will need the night before.  I am up hours ahead of time.  Cup of hot coffee, bowl of oatmeal, and a full 45 minutes before I need to leave I cannot find the keys to the big jeep.   Arghh..

I take a big deep breath and try to back track and find out where the keys are.  After 10 minutes, I wake mom up and we will both start looking for the keys.  And about the 30 minute mark, I start to lose my perspective on the day.  I start to get grouchy and I start to feel like I cannot catch a break. 

Cannot catch a break?  I am not even sure where this voice comes from in my head.  By any measure I am blessed with all the things and people I have in my life.   I could have not imagined that my life would have been this full and successful - and most important..I am not dead yet. 

I have to take a step back, get the keys to the small jeep. and pour a fresh cup of coffee.  Your mom is sitting across from me (you know she is not a morning person) with that infinite patience she has at times like this.  She is telling me not to let it ruin my day.  I can look at her and still have the good grace to feel like an idiot.  I have caught more breaks than anyone I know.

There are those days when you only find perspective in hindsight.  Hopefully on 9 out of 10 bad days you can realize how insignificant those lost keys are.  On those days when you think you can't catch a break you are most likely catching a HUGE break.  It is Gods way of getting you to stop and smell the roses.  In my case sitting across the table from your mom made me realize how much of a break I always  catch.

Lately the black hole in the house has consumed my wallet, visa card, eyeglasses, keys to all of the vehicles, and warranty paperwork.  The black hole can have them. 

So when it happens and you reach that "I can't catch a break" stage realize what a huge break you are catching.   Don't agonize over plan B.  embrace it and move on.  Take a minute and say a quick prayer of thanks for all of the breaks you catch every day.  Make a point to look at the day with brand new eyes. Some days I have to swear at inanimate objects before I move on.  Yes, it can be embarrassing but a hearty f**k you keys, sometimes does the trick.

The keys by the way were on the top of the washer under my coat.


Love Dad

The Speech

The death of the Rutger's kid kills me. 

You know the speech I am about to give you don't you?   I hope you flag this well worn speech to every kid you know.  All of you guys need to get a very firm grasp on this.

The unconditional love that your parents have for you is your safety net and a very important building block.  Unconditional love is one of those constants we all take for granted.  I always assume you know this because of the frequency that you used to get the speech.  I am never going to quite believe that I have told you this enough, so you will continue to get abridged and unabridged versions of the speech.

I want to know that you realize how unshakable that unconditional love is.  As parents, we want you to draw on that, lean on it, and use it for shelter when you find yourself in any kind of a storm. There is nothing (nothing at all) that would change that.  There just is nothing you cannot bring to us.  You can bring the smallest things, largest things and all of those in between things.  As much as we hope that you never need that safety net for the huge thing, we want you to know it is always there.

The only way I could be disappointed is if I felt that there was something you felt you could not bring to us.  You know that you always have an unconditional pass first and foremost.  Secondly, we will always pick you up and make sure you are safe.  We will find and engage whatever resources are needed to help you get it all sorted out. We will always take a look at how/why things went to hell but that is always going to be the last thing that we do.  And that only gets done after all the pieces get picked up.  Don't mistake unconditional love for approval.  We will always love you first and reserve the right to wonder what the hell you were thinking about when you did it.

You should know how much I love to hear about the smallest things and the not so small things.  When you bring these things to me, you will never leave not feeling that unconditional love.  You can also plan on getting plain, straight forward advice.  I will continue to impart my wisdom and life lessons on you both.  That is in the DAD job description and I take it seriously.  You never fully get to avoid that.

I hope every kid who feels like hell because of a choice or a decision they have made can turn towards those people who love them and find strength & solace there.  When I heard that gifted young man found his solace standing on a bridge instead of with his loved ones, it made me sick.  Clearly this young man was very loved.  I suspect his parents are not a lot different than we are. 

Every single person that reads this should realize how firmly your parents believe that you know how unconditionally you are loved by them.  If you don't know this call them up right away and get this cleared up right the hell now.  We all have different styles but the message is the same, just listen, it is not hard to hear it.


Love Dad

Victory Lap

You need to take a victory lap to start the week.. 

That is easier to say than to do, because even as I say it you are starting to think about all the things that need to be done. Everyone is kind of wired that way.  Try this on some of your peers, tell them to take a victory lap for stuff they did last week and they will tell you everything that is not done and due this week.  Taking your victory lap is more complicated because you are both genuinely modest and inclined to understate things you have accomplished.

Recognizing those milestones, the distance you have traveled is a very important thing to do.  One of the most frustrating things anyone can experience is the feeling that no progress is being made. We get that feeling because we always move the starting line to the current day and time.  Our own self imposed Ground Hog Day. 

I know from talking to each of you that things got done last week that were important.  You need to acknowledge these.  Don't get me wrong, don't hang out a MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner.  (All politcs aside, you know if he would have just added the words THIS WEEK to that banner - it would have worked).   

There are plenty of deadlines this week.  Plenty of people who will end up trying to share their bad moods or frustrations (either by accident or purposefully).   There are also a lot of ways to pile up a bunch of those small victories.  Those small victories pile up and make those lofty goals seem very possible.  Work at recognizing them and piling them up.  If you pile up only that things that need to be done, you will end up being manic. There are people today who are following your lead.  Teach them this and it will reinforce it with you.

Me, I am going through the entire process with a new FD.  It consists of 2 Physical Agility Tests, Written Testing, and Oral Board Reviews.  My victory lap is that I completed the 1st Physical Agility test with a crappy knee. Working like hell to pile up them small victories.

I am already doing the countdown until Thanksgiving.

Love Dad

Invictus

Here are the two things that I find a great deal of comfort in when I have either taken a beating or I feel like I am on the verge of taking a beating.  You already have a strong undefeated spirit.  It is hard for you to see because you are up to your eyeballs in things now.  For a dad, it is an outstanding thing to see in your own kids.  While I will take full credit for this, the truth is that this has been part of your internal compass since you were both very small.

1. INVICTUS  (Latin for UNDEFEATED) was written by a 25 year old kid who lost his leg and penned this in his hospital bed.   This short poem has been a source of strength for an amazing array of  people.
 
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

2. Is a quote from the movie "We  Were Soldiers".  It is the true story of one of the first battles of the Vietnam War where US soldiers were pitted against a large contingent of  North Vietnamese soldiers.  In this scene, Lt. Colonel Moore is allowing himself a moment of doubt about the status of the battle.   He is set straight by the Sgt Major.  True story..


Lt. Colonel Hal Moore: I wonder what was going through Custer's mind when he realized that he'd led his men into a slaughter?
Sergeant Major Basil Plumley: Sir, Custer was a pussy. You ain't.

I hope you both can appreciate that you are fighting the good fight.  When it gets almost unbearable, I hope you realize that fighting the good fight is much better that standing on the sidelines watching someone else fight the good fight.  These are skills that will sustain you.  When things go to hell, people will turn to you.  I certainly would.

Give it hell every day.

Love Dad

Fighting Your Demons

Back by popular demand

A lot of people have said insightful things about fighting demons.  Here are the top 3 in random order.

1.   When you fight monsters, you have to be careful not to become a monster yourself.
Because every time you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.   This is a bastardized version of a quote from Fredrick Nietzche, a German philosopher from 1800's. The actual quote was - Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.   Fredrick was trying to say that if you had to become a demon to slay a demon there was no net gain.  There is no extra credit for moral high ground, best intentions, or heroic actions.  If fighting your demon adds one to the total number you have made the situation worse, not better.  Looking into the abyss is the mirror we all look into every day in a figurative sense.  If you look hard enough you will see what you became to fight your demons.  The best case is that you don't look or sound like the asshole that you have been fighting with.  Sometimes only  time and distance allow you to see this and it is harder to see in the heat of battle.  (Fredrick, after his meteoric rise to fame, became clinically insane at an early age and lived under the care of his mother until he died)

2.   But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.—Luke 6:27-31.   Jesus is the OG (original guy) who tries to get us all to understand the simple principle that what you do will come back to you and perpetuate itself.  It is more than love and hate, it is everything in between.  People with the strength and courage to fight their demons have either intentionally or unintentionally helped other people find their courage and strength.   These passages get misinterpreted all the time.  He just wanted you to take time to pick what you wanted to come back to you.  The person who has already has hit you has picked what will return to him.  Jesus was no slouch at busting a couple heads when he needed.  I don't think we ever were supposed to be so passive as to not bust a head when circumstances dictated.  It just should not be the default and you should not bust the same pumpkin twice.

3. You can never win a fight with a retard.  If you lose, you lose to a retard.  If you win, you have beaten up a retard.  (The word Retarded comes from the Latin retardare, "to make slow, delay, keep back, or hinder.  This is not intended to be a derogatory term for a person who suffers any recognized mental deficiency of handicap.)  The awful truth is that a lot of the demons we wrestle with are not complex, super intelligent, gifted, insightful beings.  They are people who have been brought into our lives by chance, circumstance, or when you just step in that random pile of shit.  These tend to be people who need attention and consider imitation the sincerest form of flattery.  They get our attention because they say and do things that offend us at a primary level.  They are not nice, don't play fair, and seem to go out of their way to make minor disagreements into epic battles.  When you call them out, frequently you find people in tough, sad, places in their lives.   There is never much satisfaction in a broken person.

Killing the Messenger

One of my all time favorite movie scenes is in the movie 300.  King Leonidas tells the messenger that he needs to choose his words carefully.  The messenger ignores this and tells the King that he needs to surrender in order to avoid annihilation.  King Leonidas promptly kills all the messengers.  It wasn't really the message they delivered.  It was the way they delivered it that got them all killed.

I want to instill in you what a strong position you work from when you apply hard work, compassion,  calm reason, and the golden rules.  This works for most every situation.  But, there are those times when the best course of action is to kill the messenger or burn the bridge.  For every messenger out there (this will include you, when you have assumed the role of a messenger) always know that the words you use carry weight and consequence. 

Every living soul has the capability to be unimaginably cruel if the right buttons are pressed.  I am no exception to this.  I believe strongly in those old school values of loyalty, honor, and trust.  When those values get violated it cuts me down to the bone.  There are people that bring out my darker side. Its not particularly important who they are or what they do as much as how I handle it..

Kill the messenger - I have had to specifically tell my friends, family, and that random well meaning acquaintance to NOT tell me about what (fill in the blank), did, or plans to do.  I have a strong suspicion for people who tell me things they think I need to know.  I am very forceful in letting these people know that I just do not need to know.  I am equally forceful in challenging them on why I am getting updates on things that are going to bring out my dark side.  I leave no doubt and really try to kill the messenger here.  

Burning the Bridge - The best thing I can do for myself and the person whom I just cannot be around is to burn that bridge.  There are people that are just poison to me.  I am sure they work for other people, but it is just never going to be civil with me.  They will bring out that cruelty in me and when they do that, I lose a small part of myself.  There are some people that I should never be around.  There are bridges that should be burned to the ground.

So what do you do if you slip and say or do something cruel? 
First and foremost forgive yourself - it happens.
Kill the Messenger - Stop getting those updates that reopen the wound
Burn the Bridge - Walk away, there are combination's that are going to always be toxic.  Never let someone have the power over you to not be yourself.

That pain fades when you do some old school stuff to close that gap in your life.  Prayer always works, go to church or set aside some time to pray.  Get involved again in sports, volunteer work, clubs and organizations. Do something really nice for someone who needs it.  Don't give those meatheads another minute of your life.

Like mom says, the best revenge is to live a good life.  No truer words have ever been spoken

Love Dad

Participant Trophies

I was helping Mom look for her passport and found some of your old soccer "Participant" trophies in the closet.  Those participant trophies never made any sense to me, then or now.  To make matters worse, it continues into middle school when they give ribbons or medals for everyone who participates in an event or sport.

I think all those participant awards have left you both a little jaded.  When you both started to get real recognition for your very real accomplishments, you tended to consider them like all those participant trophies. 

We should have just stuck with juice boxes and unhealthy snacks.  Pizza and team pictures at the end of the year.  Parents really have the best intentions.  In our hearts we justify this by thinking that trophy will instill a sense of what it takes to be a winner.  It does not do that at all, like a lot of things in the early years, it is as much for us as it is for you.

You begin to get a real appreciation for winning when you experience losing.  Parents start realizing this more in high school where there seems to be more of a natural selection process.  In your chosen disciplines in high school you both legitimately excelled.  **A disclaimer here..that is not just a Dad thing.  That is your names on those walls.  The teachers and coaches who still hold you out as the standard**.

College and you both are hitting your stride.  Those wins that you have racked up there.  Well they aren't frigging "participant trophies" are they?  They are you busting your asses and breaking through to get some very impressive wins.  Go ahead tell me those internships, those grades, aren't anything.  I double dog dare you.

So make sure you celebrate those wins.  Every celebration does not have to be epic but you have to acknowledge that you came out on top.  It is such an important reference point and milestone.  You only realize how far you have come, when you know where you started.  Keep track of those milestones.

You both have inherited your mom's humility and grace so I know your celebrations will always be a little understated.  I give you permission to tell the world from time to time that you have just kicked its ass.  Say it out loud, it always feels better to say that out loud.

Also, there is a universal rule that if you end up getting your ass kicked, that an ass kicking only lasts for a 24 hour period.   During those tough spells make the world kick your ass every single day.  Never let it stay "kicked"

Hey, mom's birthday is coming up.  You know you she is a pure sucker for a hand written card from you.

Karma

Karma is not intended to be a punishment but it kind of works out that way. 

The old adage that good guys finish last is wrong.  Good guys really do finish first but you have to continually work at it.  The good guys who finish last are those guys who get tired of all the work and opt for a shortcut.  To be a good guy you have to be able to do a couple of things the vast majority of the time.

You have to keep being a good guy when good things are not happening to you.  Everyone wants the good guy to win.  Most people who see that you are a genuinely a good guy will bend over backwards to help you out.  Every breathing soul is drawn to something that is good and positive.

You also need to have the capacity to do a good thing for a person who is trying to be a good guy but just isn't managing to do so.  Always remember the trained professional rule tho.  There are a lot of things you just can fix. 

It is never heroic to go down with a boat that someone else is in the process of sinking.

It is hard when those good things are not happening to not be hypersensitive.  A lot of stuff that that normally rolls right off your back will accumulate there.  Shitty people and ill tempers are drawn to each other almost as powerfully as good things are.  Always remember the very first thing to be lost in crappy situations is any sense of right or wrong.  You will never win a shit throwing contest.

So that whole reap what you sow thing is pretty close to being right on the  money.  It really does work out that what you put out, you get back in the same amount. 

Be the good guy and finish first.

Love Dad

All the Pieces

I was working in the garage and one of those old white flower vases fell of the shelf and hit me in the head.  I have been moving this particular vase around from box to box.  I put it in the donation box and then take it out and put it back on the shelf.  I just could not make up my mind on what to do with it.

So on the day it finally fell off the shelf and hit me on the head, I was immediately mad as hell.  I was already frustrated because I was trying to fix the gate on the side of the house and it was not going well.  So I looked down at the 2 pieces of the vase and I picked them both up and threw them down as hard as I could.   Instead of two big pieces to pick up and throw in the trash, there are shards of vase everywhere.

There are two very important points here.

The vase was mine and I had to pick up all the pieces.  Breaking it into more pieces only felt good for a second, I felt like an asshole for the next hour while I crawled around looking for all the pieces.  I was not my finest hour and it was not true to who I really am, I was disappointed I did that.  How it got broke in the first place no longer mattered.

I could have avoided the whole thing by just throwing out something that was broken.  It would have been OK to stop and lament that I broke a favorite vase but I did not do that.  I thought because I did not break it in the first place, it was OK to do that.  It was not OK to do that.

I also spent more time than was needed trying to explain this away.  I have as of this writing moved on.  I messed up, realize that, and I have moved on.  Remember the most important thing, if you screw up - own it, learn from it and most importantly move on.  Screwing up is only a lifestyle if you keep making the same mistake over, and over and over...

You of course have no idea how proud I am of you both. 

- Love Dad









 

Failure Definitions

I found a lot of really bad stuff written about what is a fairly straight forward topic - failure.  Here is all the information you have been needing.  A failure is not meeting an goal when you are in pursuit of a goal.

Not living according to your values is not a failure, it is bad judgment.  Bad judgment is not a goal, it is a byproduct of bad decisions.  Bad decisions span the entire spectrum but are most spectacular when they involve relationships or substance abuse.  

Fear of failure is very normal.  The leading cause of the fear of failure is that it really makes you feel like shit.

If you are poor, powerless, physically unattractive, unpopular, rejected or in poor physical shape, you are not a failure.  You have got to be in pursuit of a goal to fail.  If you are one of those things and not engaged in an activity to correct or upgrade it, they are just not high enough on your priority list. 

If you are lazy, that does not make you a failure.  Unfortunately, when you fail the audience tends to be made up largely of people who are not actively pursuing the same type of goals that you are.  I have learned that failure can be funny as hell, except when it is you.  One of the things I love about my closest friends is that they are adept at helping me see the humor in the things that make me cringe.  Let your own friends do this.
Laughter really takes the edges off things.

You cannot excuse a failure away.  If you failed it is because of something you did or failed to recognize.  You cannot divide, assign, or accept a certain percentage of failure.  One owner per failure, no exceptions.

You cannot fail someone (see above).  Always accept full responsibility for your failure.  Think about how willing you are to help someone who does this.  Everyone is like that.  Remember for the people who cannot readily do this, you cannot remove their head from their own ass.  Be compassionate when they do pull their heads out and that kindness will be extended to you when you emerge from the darkness.

If you treat other people like hell, if you are uncaring and disrespectful you are not a failure, you are an asshole. 

I think that covers it.  I hope the balance between failure and success is starting to become more clear. 

Love Dad 

Epic Hockey Brawl

One of the epic NHL Hockey fights happened between the Detroit Redwings and the Colorado Avalanche on March 26, 1997.  Google EPIC HOCKEY BRAWLS. 

There were nine separate fights during this game.  These guys really beat the hell out of each other.  It was so bad that they stopped the game to bring out the Zamboni to get the blood off of the ice (it didn't work).

There are a couple of important things here. 

To the guys involved this was a matter of honor and pride.  For the rest of the free world, this was pure entertainment.  Public fights are like that, people are drawn to them for less than altruistic reasons. 

As the duration of the fight increases, the original cause of the fight gets lost in all the subsequent battles.    

The second guy that throws a punch always gets caught and catches hell, even if he happened to be right.

Old school rules apply here.  The fights that you walk away from can be as important as the ones that don't back away from.  When you are looking to get out from underneath a pain in the ass situation, there are times to take the high road (which coincidentally happens to also be the exit). 

The reason for the EPIC Hockey Brawl in 1997 was a incident that happened in 1996.  Avalanche player Lemieux hurt Redwings Draper with a cheap shot that broke his jaw, orbital bone, and cheek bone.  Draper required reconstructive surgery.  The Avalanche went on to beat the Redwings in that series and went on to win the Stanely Cup. 


Please reread the Fighting Your Demons post it is closely tied to this one.

Love Dad

Changes at Home

It has been almost 3 weeks now and a lot has changed.

The town board has approved ordinance 679 by a majority vote.  This ordinance allows residents to keep backyard chickens on residential property with a permit.  There is a limit of 4 chickens and they must be kept in a coop.

The Sugar Beet Festival has raised admission prices from 3 to 5 dollars.  Despite falling property tax revenue, the town board has elected to still have the fireworks show on Community Day.

A big block of time has opened up because we have stopped going to the grocery store.  After cleaning the refrigerator, (not counting condiments or empty jars), there were three blocks of cheese, a quart of milk,  a bag of grapes/raisins, and a bowl of strawberry glaze that started out as just strawberries.  The big Tupperware cereal container does not have any Cheerio's in it (regular or chocolate).  There are no fiber bars, energy bars, potato chips, tortilla chips or cookies in the pantry.   I did find the big jar of peanut butter with the blue top on it (did you know they came with screw on tops?).  I unscrewed the lid but could not find the big silver spoon that I know comes in every jar.   

The milkman has informed us he can no longer make his boat payments on time because we have scaled back the milk delivery to one half gallon a week.

Another block of time has opened up on our social calendar.  The weekly brunch at COSTCO has been canceled until further notice because buying in bulk does not seem prudent now. 

When we did get to the grocery store, I had to stop your mom from using one of those little shopping carts,  The only other people in the store using one was an adorable 80 year couple wearing a bandoleer of Kleenex, oxygen tanks, adult diapers and bottles of ENSURE.   Even if our groceries fit into one of those things I am not going to use one.  If we start looking adorable and don't realize it please let me know.

The house looks different now.  There is nothing stuck on the mirror, counter, or floor of the big bathroom.  I did not realize that silver thing next to the toilet was designed to hold toilet paper rolls.  I tried yelling at the bathroom door to summon a roll of toilet paper but that no longer works, I think it is because there is one on that silver thing.  The silver bar on the wall has towels hanging on it now.  I almost broke my neck standing on the bare tile instead of towels and newspapers when I got out of the shower.  After seeing the kitchen counter tops and table for a couple of weeks, I realize they both need to be replaced.  The dogs are not happy because they are sleeping on the hard carpet instead of piles of your clothes. 

The little fat kid on our block has completed the magic journey (puberty).  When he comes home from school he always sings.  Now instead of sounding like Susan Boyle, he sounds like Barry White  I still spend time in the garage standing behind the table saw with your paintball gun waiting for the cat that wrecked my Jeep seat.  The epic battle continues I am Captain AHAB and that cat is my white whale. 

Some things have not changed.  Except for being cleaned, your rooms are exactly as you left them.  They will be that way for a long time.  That is as much for me as it is for you but I am not admitting that yet.  I also am not ready to admit that Peanut Butter tastes better when the big silver spoon is in it - but it does.   

Make sure you keep going to church...it is even more important when you are away from home.

Love Dad

Cute Failure Sayings.

We all do you a great injustice when we try to soften the eventual failures that you will have.  In our defense we just hate to see you feel like hell.  It does not really matter if it is a one of those experiences that you ultimately benefit from.  There is a tendency for people (we are no exception here) to fall back on cute failures quotes, sayings, and anecdotes. 

Failure is always brutal.  It never just bruises your ego, it takes your ego and smashes it into very tiny pieces that you can't pick up.  Failure is all of your quiet fears raising up to yell at you in a single unified voice.  It yells from the top of buildings what a worthless piece of shit you are loud enough so that EVERYONE can hear.  Failure is that 900 pound gorilla that follows you around demanding that you look at it.

My recent epic failure was Paramedic school.  The course is not cheap and it requires that you pass all weekly tests with a score of over 80%.  If you fail twice you are out and have to apply all over again.  I tried to complete the class and the 500 hours of clinical time while working full time.  3 tests from the end I failed my second test with a 78%.  No extra credit for being close, or the work load that I imposed on myself.

Humiliation party of one - your table is ready.

I was called up to the P-school office and told I did not meet the minimum standard.  I stood up at the end of it, looked them straight in the eye and thanked them for all of their help and told them I would be coming back through.  I did the walk of shame past the classmates and went out into the parking lot and died inside.  I had no idea how I was going to tell you guys or mom.  It was really brutal .I reapplied, was accepted and started the course over with all the same instructors and proctors.  That was another kind of hell because most of them just did not know what do say to me.  Most were positive but I felt like the 25 year old high school senior.  That frigging 900 pound failure gorilla was my constant companion.

No amount of reason or patience could soften it.  The people who tried to soften it with all of those cute failure sayings and anecdotes killed me.  Kind of like putting a band-aide over a gaping chest wound and calling it good. 

When things get tough, I really appreciate that I am no stranger to success or failure.  As bad as it sucked, it was not a place that I am unfamiliar with.  I know that in order to move forward that I had to own up to it.  In the end it was not the job, the FD, the impossible hours...it was me.  When I stopped giving a shit about the 900 pound gorilla, he stopped following me.   Second time was a charm, I am a nationally certified Paramedic today. 
  
You have committed yourself to paths and goals that are going to be demanding.  There is one old school thing that remains a constant.  When you fail (and you will fail) your character is defined about how you pick yourself up out of that hole and move on.  The more that happens, the more you learn how to do it and your character becomes more defined. 

Success and failure will always be closely tied together.  If you are solidly in one of these you can reasonably assume the other is around the corner.  When you are in pursuit of goals that is just the natural order of things.   I have the benefit of having seen you both already cycle through a number of successes and failures.  Your character at this young age is incredibly well defined.  Please reread the Sincere Belief post, it ties back into this one.  My predictions for success have are based the character I have already seen with my own eyes, it is the things you have already done.

Have you called your grandma yet?

Love Dad

Hand Written

I got two very well written thank you notes in the mail today.  Nothing beats getting an old school  hand written thank you note.  You can reach me by e-mail, skype, yahoo instant messenger, text msg, cell phone, or land line.  These guys took the time (and expense) of going out and getting a thank you card and writing a concise, articulate, and personal thank you. 

Making that great first impression is always worth the effort.  The small things count and it is nice to see that you get that.  Shaking my hand with a firm grip, looking me in the eye, and a genuine smile always works.  Here are some of those other things that you did that made a very solid first impression.

You addressed me by Mr. Danko.  To me that Mr. title denotes respect and that is a big thing to me.  Respect is one of those things you have to give to get.  This is true for any age.  Be wary of the people that do not extend you the basic respect that you deserve.  When they extend you the basic respect you deserve, it defines the relationship you have with them.  If anyone feels compelled to treat you like shit until you earn respect- they do not fully understand what respect is.  Basic respect is the fundamental building block of any worthwhile endeavor.  You build respect through hard work and old school values.  The people who eat shit to get respect, never get the bad taste out of their mouths.

You did not use the word Sir.  You were correct in guessing that I was not nobility when I showed up in jeans and that well worn t-shirt.  I want people to call me Sir when I am buying a product or service that is over $40 dollars in value and we do not know each other on a first name basis.  Calling me sir would have been a kiss ass thing to do.

You did not call me Mike or Michael.  If I look old enough to be your dad or other authority figure err on the side of caution.

Your had a good sense of humor, were up on current events, and shared a bit of information about who you were.  I am always appreciative when I hear younger people talk and there is a notable absence of words ending in uck, ucker, and hole.  A genuine thank you is great when it is simple, straight forward, and honest.  A lot of kids your age don't get that and you both did.

But most of all it was the way you treated each other that impressed me.  It is far to easy to not extend those basic courtesies and respect to the people we live with, are close to, and see almost every day  Those are the people who appreciate and need those things the most. 

My own kids have spoiled me in this respect.  Aside from them big friggin brains, they understand how those foundations of old school respect, kindness, courtesy, gives them the competitive edge.  But that is a subject for another time

Send your mom a handwritten card....and call your grandma.

Love Dad 

Leaving the Shake

True Story:  I was in D.C. and I was waiting for the shake I had already paid for.  Out of the blue, the guy behind the counter started yelling at the cook.  He was mad as hell, he told the guy that he was going to kick his ass if he threw another cheeseburger at him.  The cook with the neck tattoo's looked right at the guy and threw another cheeseburger at him. 

The counter guy just lost his mind.  He yelled at another guy cleaning tables to lock the door because he was going back to kick the cooks ass.   And to everyone's amazement the table guy goes over and locks the door.  The really big guy who ordered the cheeseburger was looking down at it with a frown and asking the counter guy why they were throwing his m**ther -  f***ing cheeseburger around.

The point that it really felt out of control was when the manager showed up at the front counter.  By now the counter guy is reaching through the heat lamp thing trying to grab the cook and is just howling.  The cook (who never blinked through the whole thing) was making another cheeseburger and looked like he had every intention of throwing it at the counter guy. 

The manager did not say a word, just ran his finger over the display that showed what orders were pending and started making my shake.  It is really starting to feel like a Twilight Zone episode.  I am starting to move away from the counter and work my way towards the door.  The counter guy stops trying to get to the cook and turns around abruptly and yells "who is next, what do you want"...at the top of his lungs. 

And when you think it cannot get worse, it does.  The guys he yelled it to are now taking it as a challenge and they move up to order ( I did not hear but I am assuming they were going to order a m***r-f****ing cheeseburger).  I am at the door now and it is locked.  The manager who has finished making the shake (that I no longer want) is calling me back to the counter to get it. 

Instead of leaving, I walked back through the maze of screaming people to get a 2 dollar shake.  When the testosterone starts flying, there is a part of me that is still inclined to stand my ground - especially  when I am by myself.  That is a unabashed bonehead move and I am old enough to know better. 

Stand up for the things you believe in, Stand up against adversity and intimidation for the right reasons.


You don't want to be the person who stands up for cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes.  Standing up against adversity and intimidation in pursuit of a 2 dollar shake...well that just speaks for itself doesn't it?


Argh..I would rather dispense sage wisdom rather than be the example of what not to do but it does not always work that way.  

There are times when you need to leave the shake -  even if you already paid for it..  

Love Dad

The Other 5%

85% of the time calm, firm, reason in the face of an unreasonable situation or circumstance will prevail.

10% of the time you simply have to turn away from a situation that is spinning out of control.  There are times that you arrive far to late to do anything but make sure you are not a causality of the wreck that is already well underway.

If you really want to be a person who helps others and are not going to be professionally trained, you have the learn the cardinal rule of a being a  rescuer.  If you are trying to rescue someone and have to be rescued yourself, you have created a bigger problem than you found.  If you have to rescue 2 instead of 1 you have put more people in danger and lowered the probability of the original person getting the help they needed.

There is no extra credit for good intentions or having the moral high ground. 

That leaves the remaining 5 % of people  

The remaining 5% are those people where calm firm reason does not work.  They are borderline whackjobs.  There are are on the verge of being trainwrecks but are not quite there.  They are on the fringe and seem to end up in our clubs, associations, recreation leagues and group outings.  They say and do moderately crappy things for reasons that are not really known to anyone but them.  No one is sure why they are angry or part of the existing group or gathering.  But we put up with them.

When you have ruled out they are trainwrecks and calm firm reason has failed you need to deliver a firm verbal pimp slap (instead of bitch slap) to the offender.  

A bitch slap is to slap someone in the face with an open hand (because they are not worthy of a real punch)  It is used to put people in their place or disrespect them. A pimp slap is distinguished from a bitch slap because it is delivered without announcement.  It is a hard blow stuck with the back of the hand (it is not a pimp slap unless it is the back of the hand).  Generally the hand is raised above the head, elbow bent, and if performed correctly it should look like you  are throwing a baseball like a girl.  Hand comes down in a chopping motion to the cheek and jaw of your victim. Twisting shoulders and hip motion are used to maximize the slap and apply the proper torque.

Verbally pimp slap the remaining 5%.  This helps them understand when they are approaching a boundary of yours.  It also helps them understand all of those crappy words and deeds have a price attached to them.  Here are a few of my favorites that I use for my 5%.
*What the fuck is wrong with you really?  We have been listening to your stupid shit for (fill in the blank -hours, days, weeks) and everybody -especially me is fed up with the stupid shit you say and do.

**When you say and do stuff like that I can't figure out if you are fucking stupid, fucking clueless or both.  Or if that is just how you talk to each other in (their hometown).

***You have to be fucking emotionally retarded to not realize how sick people are of your dumb shit antics. 

For those 5%'ers never underestimate the elegance of brute force. 

Love Dad

Saying Goodbye

I got a deal on a one gallon plant at Lowe's.  It is Chrysanthemums (more typically known as "mums).  It is a perennial plant, so if you get it in and take care of it, you should see it next year.  When I got it it had 4-5 flowers on it already and it looked great.  It put it on the front step and had every intention to plant it.  They are harder to kill than most other plants.

If you go out on the step now, there is a black one gallon container with four brown sticks coming out of a hard one gallon dirt clod.  For the last 3-4 weeks when you walked up to the house it was a prominent, beautiful looking plant. Put a smile on your face. no matter what you were thinking about.  It lasted this long because of the rain we have had.

Saying goodbye to a friend, loved one, mom/dad, brother/sister or worse a son or daughter (parental guilt will be a common thread in these updates)  is a tough thing to do.  No amount of logic can keep you from wanting to keep all those beloved people and things around you as long as you can.  The truth is people need to do things and go places where they will flourish and grow.  When I see you both off I have to keep reminding myself that despite how much I love you I do not have the resources at hand to give you the things that you need to flourish and grow.  Today, the best place you can get those things, is at your respective universities.  That makes our brief goodbye tolerable for me.

I loved having that pot of mums on the step, I really did, but they just can't grow there.  Now they just remind me of what a bonehead move it was to do what felt good and comfortable, instead of just planting the frigging thing.

So don't leave your mums in the pot and hope it will rain.

And while I am thinking of it that "if you love something set it free" saying is complete bullshit.  If you love something you should love it for what it is without you.   If you have to set something free that you love you are probably breaking a local or federal law or at the very least being creepy.  Have a deep abiding love for yourself and love the people around you for what they are.

Texting

They don't make my phone anymore.  It has a built in handle that you can attach a carabiner to, so you could clip it in to any piece of equipment.  It is waterproof and floats - I accidentally tested this out twice.  I have dropped it out of the Jeep, down concrete steps, and on about every hard service there it and it still works.  Except for the big drops of super glue on the body and clock part (from when I was fixing the leather couch) it is in PERFECT working condition.  It is an old school cell phone. 

It is not made to send text messages.  When you get a response from me that looks like I am having a stroke (I w hil call ynd soom), it is the limitations of the phone.   When I try to send a text that is over 4 words long, I end up swearing at my phone in public.  Actually holding it out in front of my face - in the palm of my hand (because I think there it can hear me) and calling it a f**ker.   It is always hard to regain your composure after someone see's you doing that.

In the interest of staying in touch with you both on a more regular basis (regular basis is more than weekly) I went to the phone store.  I found a phone that has a big assed slide out keyboard that I can find they keys without my reading glasses.  It is the kind of phone that I have always made fun of my friends for having.  I am trading in my man phone for a fully functional phone.  I will go get my phone when I get back from GW and feel that pang of having you both gone.

PARENTAL GUILT - PARTY OF 2 - I HAVE YOUR TABLE READY

There is a full array of non epic text message would just make my day.  In return I will also send you text messages that are coherent and as an added bonus you can benefit from my sage wisdom real time.

Hey, don't forget to call Grandma from time to time.

Love Dad